Money Moral Dilemma: I loaned my friend £1,000 and she isn't paying it back - what should I do?

Dontpanic

I'm sorry that your health is so poor. I would write this friend off, as to do this to you, knowing your situation, is not what a friend does. You don't need stress right now, and you want to be having happy experiences, not having to nag at her to re-coup your money. I don't think it's spiteful to tell her husband about this loan, and all the others, she may have got herself into a pickle with gambling or loan sharks etc and if so, she needs help and giving her money won't be the help she needs. I would also warn other friends in your friendship group too, she might be borrowing large sums  from everyone with no intention of paying it back. Sadly, this has happened to me and I had to threaten to tell the woman's husband before she cowardly pushed an envelope through my door with the cash in it. She obviously had it, just didn't think she ought to pay me back. I've come to the conclusion that having friends and lending/borrowing money to/from them often leads to an end of that friendship. I wish you all the best.

BMole

The experience of both my parents and my own, is that if a friend ask for a loan, they have exhausted all other sources of borrowing and are in serious financial trouble.

 

The reason for this may be for what one personally considers valid, for example life events, or invalid, such as extravagence. This is a matter of opinion and risks being judgmental. 

To a large extent this is irrelevent. The situation is, that it is what it is, and the pathway there is not the issue, as it's happened and cannot be changed. 

The reality is, that whatever their good intentions, they are unlikely to be able to repay. This should not be seen as an intention to defraud or disparage the friendship. It should be viewed as a desperate appeal for help and a willingness to expose their vulnerablity and recognise that they have created the problem.

Any such loan should be viewed as a gift, with no expectation of repayment. 

The important issue is how valuable the friendship is and ones ability to afford the gift. There are other ways of providing support to  a friend in financial need other than a loan. They almost certainly need a non-judgmental friend to talk to, as much as they need the loan.

I made a loan to a friend in the past. I did expect repayment, despite my parents experience and advice. I made requests when the promised repayments did not happen. I was cross and felt let-down. The result was that the shame felt by my friend meant that she avoided all contact. This meant that I lost someone who I valued. With the benefit of hindsight I wish that I'd valued the friendship more than the cash.

jenniewb

I was going to start by saying you shouldn't mix business with friends because it never works out, but then when I read the rest of the post...can I just say the "friend" here is anything but a friend! I would write it off coming back to you but yes you should pass it on to whomever you think can get it back and want to gift it to- this "friend" is very uncool! I wouldn't waste your energy on it, or her, your life now is about spending times with those who do value and respect you and not to people who leach!

ValenTheOne

Tell the husband. Hopefully you'll get your money back, and perhaps it will stop your "friend" from treating anyone else in this way.

TheBearNecessity

Ask her one more time (optional), then go scorched earth. Tell her she's no real friend & block her, then tell her husband and tell mutual friends. 

Janjan525252

Sorry to hear about this.

I would calmly remind her again that she needs to pay back the money and if she ignores you, you then know where you stand with her.  It would be time to tell her husband too as she clearly doesn't care about her friend.  She could also do this to another vulnerable person.  

dirtmother

Oh @Norma_B this must be so hard for you but your further explanation does make it clearer.

Good for you for telling her how you felt.
That's better than just quietly 'letting it go' - even though her response was ugly. You've stood up for yourself and it sounds as though you really needed to do that for yourself. Not about the money, you can let that go but the failure to respect the situation you are in. 

You've done all you need to do.

Whether someone in your family (not you) should have a word in her husband's shell-like about it all is a much more nuanced thing. Whilst her continued demeanour towards you means that you need not to be dealing with her and focusing on enjoying life, I am sure you don't wish her harm and without knowing all you know about the family, it's strikes me that could be a risk if you do.

Pollycat

Never, ever lend money that you can't afford to write off if it's not repaid.

I would ask this 'friend' to pay back the amount in full by a certain date.
If she doesn't pay, write her off as a friend.

Philycheesesteak

They say "if you lend a friend £50 and you never see them again, it was probably a good investment..."

£1000 and with your terminal illness is a different matter, though I agree with your daughter for the sake of your mental health writing it off is probably the best thing, though I wouldn't let her go scott free, and I would tell her husband. My guess is she's a gambler or he knows too. If the former she needs help or she'll fleece someone else (if she hasn't already.) If the latter the only thing you'll lose is this friend, but as my first sentence says sounds like she's not really a worthwhile one.

Dollyyates

Call them out, Name and shame them, tell everyone, I can only assume if you had it to lend you can live without it.(doesn't look like your getting it back anyway) make sure no one else is sucked in by them.