Money Moral Dilemma: I loaned my friend £1,000 and she isn't paying it back - what should I do?

CapeTown

Your daughter is a wise girl. Write it off. It is just £1000. Yes I know a huge sum for some. Get her carrying on paying the £20 per month and never lend again.  These things fester. Enjoy what time you have with your family 

M4rkOne97One

This is the very reason why I won't lend money to friends, or even family. If I was to, and I won't. I would consider it giving them the money and expect never to get it back. I've had a friend lend their own family money, arrange a very reasonable payment plan beforehand, to then not receive a. payment,  have to agree to a lesser amount and then need to resort to sending a monthly txt message reminder to actually get a payment. Put it down to an expensive experience and write the money off. The husband probably knows anyway, but telling him isn't wrong. Ditch the friend as they aren't really worth it.

SuperScrimper1

I think your Daughter who knows you best is offering you advice best suited to you at the moment especially with your medical condition. You need to have what ever time left free of stress ...Yes morally she has done wrong and that is on her. Your time is short ...if you know she is not going to repay leave it ...put it into history and enjoy your future time with people who truly care for you. Make positive memories with your Daughter and rest of your family . I am very sorry this has happened to you ...I pray the year you have has joyful moments that dull this negative experience. 

Salybu

I’ve always believed that you should only lend money to a friend you can afford to give them. Ie: an amount you could gift them. Reading these circumstances I can see the sense in it. I hope you can afford to give your friend this amount, because I don’t think you are going to get it back. But like others have said, I don’t think she is your friend, she has treated you badly. 

I agree her husband should know, because though you may quietly let this drop, others she lends from may not, and it could bring trouble to her doorstep further down the line.  He should be tipped off so he can try and help her.  

Rd1994

Speak to her & her husband and ask for it back, explain you want your kids to have it or to use it while you can x 

akbrooker

This person's behaviour is not only selfish and dishonest, but also just vile.  Your daughter has a point but I would tell the husband.  Let her stew in the mess it brings her.  Then forget it!

akbrooker

msvic said:

There are no loans to friends, only gifts. If you are paid back it is a bonus. 
I would mention it to their partner, unless you know that to do so would cause significant problems.

If I were to ask you, as a friend, to lend me £100, would you really not expect me to pay it back?  Moreover, in this case she seems quite happy to cause significant prioblems to others...

Lady_Gaia

I just wanted to weigh in on this, because sometimes these things are not black and white. I have been the borrower and destroyed a friendship through it, one that I had had since childhood.

When I lost my mother I was in a very bad place, I had started drinking again (and smoking). I was a single parent and the emptiness and loneliness I experiences was indescribable. Needless to say I got into a severe amount of debt (I had done so previously when I lost my father and ended up going bankrupt) and was about to be evicted from my home. A friend who offered to help me out as she could see the mess I was in, and I gratefully accepted. Trouble was, every time I tried to put some money together something came up - my car broke down, I was laid off work, I felt like everything was against me.

Needless to say the more time went on the more embarrassed I was about the situation and the more I avoided my friend the more the rot set in. Eventually we stopped speaking, as did out mutual group of friends. On two occasions when mutual friends passed away I attended the funeral knowing everyone was looking at me and judging me - and yes, I deserved it.

It took me over ten years to get myself to a place where I could reach out and apologise for the mess I had made; and to be able to offer a payment plan.

The reason I mention this, is that sometimes it's not as black and white as it first seems. However, I know that having borrowed money did not help in the long term. It was a quick fix to a deeper rooted problem around loss, trauma, and addiction.

I'm not saying this is the case with your friend; but clearly something is going on.

With regards to the money and your personal circumstances; I am so sorry to hear of your medical situation. But maybe as others have said, as has your daughter, if you can let it go if that is viable and focus your time on things that uplift you.

Many blessings to you x

devonconveyancer

Tell her husband and tell him you want the monies back - you clearly need to be ensuring you have a comfortable lifestyle for as long as you have left and you do not need people like this in your life.  If he does not offer to pay you back, even if monthly at a better rate, then walk away from the pair of them and make sure they know that you are going to tell your friends about their mean spirited actions so that your friends don't lend to them at all.

And then smile knowing you are rid of a leech and relax and enjoy yourself without this non-friend around!

Norma_B

Hi his is my dilemma so I don't know if I'm really allowed to comment on it but perhaps to clarify. I've loaned my friend money loads of times - once it was £3000 and we wrote it off after she'd given back £1500. We are lucky enough to be in the position where this kind of money is not make or break and this dilemma has never really been about the money. There were never written agreements because it was always just about helping a friend.  She and her family are all on lots of benefits and I think she has always had problems trying to manage a budget. I know there are different ways I should I have tried to help her learn but sometimes it's about dealing with the emergency in front of you.  She doesn't have many friends and I don't think they'd be in a position to offer this kind of help so I don't think she'd be doing this to them.  The problem this time is I did tell her how much it had upset me firstly cos she'd implied it was just till her next payments came in as she had less than £100 to last till then and secondly when she casually offered to pay it back in what would amount to 4 years with  much lower payments than she'd ever done before, knowing I may only have a year. Her response was to say I'd called her a user and our friendship was over.  When I tried asking a couple more times about when she might try / be able to pay she threatened to call the police and accuse me of harassment!!