Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help pay my boyfriend's travel costs if we move further from his work?

Seakay

No it's not fair.

Would he be moving in if his tenancy wasn't coming to an end?
Do you want to live with him in a location which is not the best for you?

Keep the issues separate. Move to where you want to be and tell him to find his own place in a location of his choosing.

Essentially, going on the facts as you've stated them, he wants you to pay him to be your boyfriend, living in your flat that he has chosen the location of.
Is that something that you want to do?
If you are prepared to pay for a boyfriend, could you get better value? (I suggest that you could).

Groom

Be very careful, especially if you are going to buy the house. Regardless of where it is, you need to make sure that he won't have any claim on it if the relationship goes wrong. Buy or rent the house where you want - if he's serious, he'll still move in with you. Don't let him dictate where it is unless you know the relationship will be long term, from how you have explained it it does sound as if he's just moving in to save him looking for another place to rent. 

MarkyMark1064

This is an easy one.

In answer to the question, "should I help pay my boyfriend's travel costs if we move further from his work?"

The answer is, no.

akira181

there's not enough information provided to give an valid opinion. The cost of an extra 15 miles is immaterial. Even with a high fuel consumption car, 20mpg @ £1.50/L comes to £5.11 (it would be around half that for the typical car/fuel cost). If that extra amount is enough to cause financial strife, get a more fuel efficient car. It's the potential commute time that would really bother me. Fine if the motorway, a right pain if city traffic during rush hours.

The real question imo is WHY do you want to live together? Is it serious relationship and you want to take the next step? Or is it still early days and you're moving in together out of convenience/timing of his lease?

If the latter, then it's probably the wrong reason to live together. If the former, then you should be looking for a place together. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you be happy moving further away from work? Probably not since you're looking to move 15 minutes closer. A relationship is about compromise and if you're moving and want to live together, you should be picking a place together.

Koda19

Him asking you to pay for travel costs is nonsense - I usually drive a 200 mile round trip once a week to see my girlfriend until we move in together and would never think to ask her for money towards fuel as its my choice to see her (even if she did I would just say to put it towards food when I'm there).

However, I do side with him on the distance and think it is a fair request if it is a serious relationship and you plan to settle down together (although this is based on assumptions like he'll buy with you etc.). In that case it would be selfish to only consider what you want, especially as you would be settling down there for the long term presumably. Again though, this is assuming that the location is no better value/size/school/area wise etc.,as if it was the extra distance would be justified.

Claddagh_Noir

I would mirror what everyone else is saying.  Be wary.  If he is expecting you to contribute towards his commuting costs, he may use it as a bone of contention NOT to put his hand in the pocket to pay towards the household costs because no doubt he will blame you about moving to where YOU want to move to. 

How I have read this is that it does sound like a convenience thing for him.  A couple of the big compromises about living together is the expense and where to live because of work / schools etc.  

reallybright

From the comments here I think you'd be nuts to give him anything.
Let him get a new place then you move in with him.

Ed264

I'm offering a point of view as a bloke - don't be taken for a fool. Enough said!

moonstone_girl

If YOU are in the position to rent or buy yourself, that is YOUR decision. If HE is not renewing his tenancy and moving in with you, that is HIS decision.  These are individual decisions for individual people, not a married couple.  Frankly, he is going to save money by having someone to share rent with, so it's super cheeky to ask you to subsidize his expenses, or irresponsible.  Why should you have to invest in him for your relationship to work when he can invest in his decision to be with you?  (For future reference: ss someone who did the 50/50 split with someone who earned double what I did, I spent more of my paycheck and he saved more.  Now, my husband and I split as a percent of income to expenses.  It's so much more fair.)

Mark_d

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm looking to buy or rent a house 15 miles nearer to where I work so I spend less time and money on commuting. But my boyfriend, who wants to move in with me as the contract on the flat he rents is ending, says he'll end up spending more time and money commuting as he'll be further from his work. He wants me to either move only half the distance or contribute towards his increased travel costs. Is that fair?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.
View past Money Moral Dilemmas.

It's sounds like an odd thing to ask but I think there are reasonable considerations for a conversation.

Assuming living together is what you both want, then perhaps you should both be involved in choosing the new property and its location, and making any compromises.

If either of you isn't wanting the level of commitment of living together as a couple (including the sharing of living costs) then moving half the distance, and into a rental property would be a reasonable solution.

When my partner moved in with me, I had just moved in to a property close to my work.  My partner had an excessively long commute, so our agreement was that the mortgage and bills would remain my sole responsibility.  Six months later we decided we wanted to get married and we chose to move somewhere half way between our places of work.