Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help pay my boyfriend's travel costs if we move further from his work?

tindella

Well you can see he's more concerned about losing money than having a relationship with you, so work it out for yourself! You'll be well rid because he's already trying to control you!

Julia1960

Put simply - no, what he is asking is absolutely not fair. From what you say, it sounds to me as though your boyfriend is the one who is pushing to move in with you; obviously this would eliminate him having to pay rent and council tax, as well as cutting other costs such as utility bills, once the contract on his rental property has ended. If anything I feel you moving nearer to your work would be the acid test. If your boyfriend is serious about your relationship (and provided you agree he moves in with you), he will drop any requests for you to supplement his income. He is also not in a position to ask you to compromise on your choice of location. In addition, it occurs to me that if your boyfriend is so calculating at this stage, it doesn’t particularly bode well for the future. Please beware of this type of behaviour. As someone in their 60s who has worked for several years in Family Law, and who has personally had experience of an ex-husband becoming increasingly mean with his finances and generally selfish as he got older, I see a possible similar pattern emerging here. I hope this helps and that things work out for you.

Bellisima

Alarm bells are ringing already.  He wants to move in AND he wants you to pay his travelling costs?  Sounds a lovely guy…….ditch him before things escalate.

stephsirr

Would you be taking the step of co habiting if his contract wasn't coming to an end?   The way it's phrased sounds as if the driving force is his convenience, not your future life together.   

jedav

Do you want to move in together with him?  If so, choose somewhere together, if not, make your own choice.

It seems that you are moving for your own convenience/financial situation.  How will those sums be compromised if you were to (unwisely, in my opinion) contribute to his travel costs?  Will he pay half the bills, including rent?

There could be many ways of cutting the finances.  Work out what you feel comfortable with and stick to your guns.

Do you want to support him, if so, by how much?  How much more might he expect in future?

Good luck!

colourlessgreenideas

I created this account specifically to reply to you. I've been in a very similar situation before: boyfriend moved in when his lease expired and that was just the beginning of my supporting him for 5 years. As others have said it's a relationship red flag and is akin to his controlling of your finances. It's almost a textbook scenario. Please don't let him do this to you. How dare he?! There's no telling where this could go, he could think he could just as well ask for money for holidays, a car, money to do a Master's etc, etc.

Either he gets a different job or finds somewhere else to live. Don't subsidise him now. You should only move in with someone at the right time in your relationship, not because it's convenient to him.

Look after yourself first. Look after your own money. Enjoy your new home x

Ljh

i would say move to where feels right. If you feel your relationship is likely to remain strong, the location should be joint decision . Both of you may move jobs so again, location that ticks lots of sensible boxes is paramount . On the finance front, I’d set up joint outgoing account where you both pay in a % of your salary so it’s fair, I’d also be asking is your fella saving on rental outgoings by moving in with you?  Finances is one of those sticky topics but you should both be able to talk and work through what is fair. If you can’t- then I’d hold off moving in together! 

primrose_penguin

This does sound as if it is all about him, I presume you are paying more for your travel to work than he is at present so what is the difference. If you have seen somewhere you really like I would go for it, if he wants to move in then it is up to him to pay his own travel costs, I think he has a cheek suggesting you contribute towards them. First of all make sure at this stage you want him to move in and if he does, have an agreement that he pays his way, I would be very careful to make sure this is what you want, not what he wants otherwise it is a recipe for disaster. If your relationship has not been going for long perhaps it would be better for him to find another rental or extend his present contract if possible, and you move to where you want to be and see how things go before setting up home together.

amysquie

The obvious answer is move somewhere equidistant to both your jobs. Therefore I can only assume the dilemma has arisen because you currently live nearer his work and flat, and he wants to stay where he is. If that's the case then he's being unfair. If not, then I would suggest another way to make it fairer, such as you paying more of the rent or bills. I wouldn't be paying his travel. Either way, it boils down to what is more important, your job/commute or your relationship, and what you're prepared to compromise on. You may also need to consider who earns more and career prospects. There should be compromise on both sides. I would always encourage renting together first before you commit to buying! If you're not BOTH prepared to compromise then this might not be the right relationship for you.

Marvel1

He doesn't get a say where you are buying only yourself and certainly not  cover 1/2 his commute.