Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help pay my boyfriend's travel costs if we move further from his work?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm looking to buy or rent a house 15 miles nearer to where I work so I spend less time and money on commuting. But my boyfriend, who wants to move in with me as the contract on the flat he rents is ending, says he'll end up spending more time and money commuting as he'll be further from his work. He wants me to either move only half the distance or contribute towards his increased travel costs. Is that fair?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

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McKneff

No...I would just move and tell him to renew his contract with his landlord.  Cheeky

tacpot12

If you want to move in with him, then it seems better to you pick somewhere that is going to be equally convenient (or inconvenient) for you both - assuming you both already have cars or access to public transport for the commute and the relationship is steady. But relationships can be shortlived, and it may be better for you to rent somewhere that suits you (especially if it means you no longer need a car), and contribute to his greater travel costs. Once you are happy that you are going to be living together for the long term and you are looking to buy, that might be the time to look at somewhere equally convenient for you both. 

njkmr

I would move and forget to tell him where you have gone.
Sounds a right skin flint...!

luaive

The question should be, do YOU want him to move in? This decision seems to have been made by him, with his tenancy ending, and not you both being at that stage in the relationship. I definitely would say at this stage that you shouldn't move in together, as an above poster said, if you were looking to buy a house then you would naturally buy one which benefits you both. When my husband (bf at the time) moved in together we found a place that was a sensible commute for us both, now we are looking to purchase and again in places which have benefits for us both. I can see the whole this doesn't feel like my house becoming an issue with your boyfriend too. I think you need to sit and have a proper discussion with your BF about whether now is the right time for him to move in. Personally I would say no, but that's just based on the original post and obviously I don't know your relationship in RL. 

sheramber

But my boyfriend, who wants to move in with me as the contract on the flat he rents is ending,

Hardly the basis for a meaningful. relationship.


I would tell him to  rent halfway  for himself. 

It does not sound your relationship is at the stage of moving in together.
It seems It is more a convenient solution for him, but what do you want?

He sounds controlling. Not a good basis for a relationship.

DW989

Presumably his outgoings are going to be lower as he won't be paying rent, council tax etc on his flat but he wants you to subsidise his travel costs. I agree that it sounds far too early to shack up with this chap. I'd be concerned he would want to wriggle out of sharing other household bills, let alone the potential for further emotional turmoil 

misstcliffe

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm looking to buy or rent a house 15 miles nearer to where I work so I spend less time and money on commuting. But my boyfriend, who wants to move in with me as the contract on the flat he rents is ending, says he'll end up spending more time and money commuting as he'll be further from his work. He wants me to either move only half the distance or contribute towards his increased travel costs. Is that fair?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.
View past Money Moral Dilemmas.

I’m sorry but I’d NEVER pay his travel. If you have found a place you love and you’re not willing to compromise, tell him you’re moving and it’s entirely up to him if he wants to move there with you. If you’re willing to compromise on distance then look for somewhere together, but ONLY on the proviso you pay for your own travel and he does likewise. 

He sounds spoilt tbh. If he’s trying to be this controlling now I’m inclined to advise you to get the flat you like and tell him and his red flags where to go. 

Timetofly

Sounds as though you are going to live together for financial convenience. His financial convenience. Not sure that’s the best motive. He has choices, so let him decide. Hold on to your money!

sclare

Is he going to be paying half of your rent and bills?
Would you be asking him to move in if his rental period wasn't coming to an end?
Do you genuinely see this relationship being long-term?

If the answers to these questions are not yes, yes, and yes, then why are you even asking us? Just dump him.

Based solely on the information you've given us, moving in with you seems to be his decision, based purely on him needing a roof over his head. And if that's the case (or close to it) then he's beyond cheeky to demand that you pay towards his commute.

Shell1989

Asking you to contribute towards his travel costs is totally unreasonable, does he want a girlfriend or a mummy? You can probably do much better than that type of "man". I'd either move without him, or if you really think he is worth it, move half way so its equal distance from both of your workplaces. Also consider, will you be at those work places forever? Or very long term? Because if you're young and likely to try different sectors / positions / companies / locations... don't base the place you're renting on the distance from your current work at all