Money Moral Dilemma: My son wants me to give him £40,000 even though he doesn't need it - should I?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

After selling my recently-deceased dad's house, I gave my daughter £40,000 as a deposit on a house. As my son has a very good job and already has a house, I had my will rewritten to say that he will get the first £40,000 from my house when the time comes, to make things fair. But my son wants the money now, which I could just about afford to give him, but I don't want to as he doesn't need it and it wouldn't leave me with much. How do I resolve this without causing bad feeling?

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marcia_

 Not a chance, he's rude for asking. Not like he needs a helping hand atm. 

 You have provided for him taking the 40k into account in your will so I'd refuse. 

 Don't leave yourself broke because you might need it for care or anything else before you die. 

Bazzalona13295

You are being as fair as you can so no, don't back down and as the previous poster says look after yourself too.

comeandgo

I disagree with the others, you are treating your daughter more favourably.  How much would £40 k buy in 30 years if you live that long?  I think you need a formula for the amount your son will receive.  Also you may need a care home and have no money left to give him anything.  

Savvy_Sue

Accept that the bad feeling is already there on your son's part. Tell him you still love him, but it's your money and your choice what you do with it. Also your choice whether you try to make things fair in your will, or not. 

If he continues to behave like an entitled idiot, please don't make either child an executor of your will. It's one of those situations in which to use professionals.

DullGreyGuy

Ultimately it's your money, you've already shown favouritism by giving a large sum to one of your children and not the other. 

I'd agree with the other poster that you shouldn't leave yourself destitute to treat your kids equally but dont think a promise in what's hopefully a very long time  is in no way equal to cash today. If my mother had made the same promise when my father died then that £40k then now would be worth under £20k given inflation and given she's probably got another decade to go it'll be even less when she goes. 

People with good jobs and houses can have money worries just like those in rentals... bills tend to go up as income increases, . I can fully understand why he would feel equally entitled to a share of his grandfathers estate as his sister. 

Personally, it really should have been a conversation before any money was given. That boat has sailed and you just live with the consequences of it

BoGoF

How do you know he doesn't need it? Having a 'good job' and a house doesn't mean he is on easy street. He probably has far more outgoings than your daughter.

I agree with the person that said you are treating the daughter more favourably. 

bluelad1927

Bazzalona13295 said:

You are being as fair as you can so no, don't back down and as the previous poster says look after yourself too.

This isn't 'fair as you can'. That would be giving the same amount to each now.

This isn't to say the OP has to be fair. They can do as they please.

Gavin83

This is actually a very tough one to answer. On the one hand I do agree with the principle that it's your money and you can do with it what you wish. However despite this you need to live with the consequences of your actions.

In this case you've clearly treated one of your children better than the other. You can excuse it how you wish but it doesn't take away from the fact you're effectively punishing your son for being successful. Potentially your son has made better choices in life which has led to his increased success and that shouldn't be disregarded.

This is ultimately the kind of thing that breaks families up. You could be looking at the scenario where your son no longer talks to you in 6 months time and frankly he'd be justified in taking this course of action. It's not even about the money, it's about treating your kids differently. It's likely to be even worse if he considered her the "golden child" growing up.

However what's done is done and hopefully it'll all work out. 

Brie

With my logical hat on....you say you can't afford to give away £40k to your son.  Could you actually afford to give it to your daughter?  Potentially in a few years if you need help from the council to pay for care they may go back and see that you gave away a large sum of money and chase your daughter to pay it back or take a lien out on her home so they get that money at some future point.

With my emotional hat....my parents did this with one of my brothers and it was years before I found out about it.  And then my mom did it with another of my brothers.  And when I was going through a real rough patch and needed something I asked her for help, fully knowing that she had just sold a valuable property.  And she said no.  The differences are noted in her will, assuming there is money left by then.  Meanwhile it's all being talked about as if a sum of money now is equal to that same sum 25 years back - during which time I was paying a mortgage and my brothers weren't.  Of course I feel cheated.

Florafauna

I think you have been unfair and any monies given should have been split equally between your children.
What you now need to do is ensure that the money going to your son on your death rises in pace with inflation