Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

PMK1910

A widowed friend takes herself off for christmas most years. She goes to a nice hotel with lots of interesting events planned over the 2 or 3 days she is there. So that's an option to break out and do something different. But like many others I suspect your daughter is just asking for help, both financially and physically. Offer to pay for a big takeaway so she isn't feeding everyone one night, or take them out for a meal, could be a lunch to keep the cost down. You don't say whether your other daughter could host, or if she joins in with you all so perhaps a year of not being in sole charge is what your other daughter needs. But the most important thing is to have the conversation with her. What would her ideal Christmas be.....and how can you all make it happen. Your present to her. 

Kerienn

Sometimes I have a feeling these MSE dilemmas are fabricated stories.  But if this one is true here is my take on the subject:

Husband doesn't want mother in law staying over anymore for various reasons. He tells his wife. Wife don't want to go against husband but don't want husband and mom to fall out/have an argument/hurt mom's feelings so she prepares mom/sawing seeds a few months before Christmas about the cost of living, hoping mom will feeling guilty and voluntarily offer them not to stay over.

Solution:

Mom quietly accept she is not welcome and move on. Next Christmas she pays for a solo cruise ship holiday and make friends and have fun.

kimwp

Is your daughter doing more for Christmas because they have a guest? I.e. not just one more serving, but serving more expensive food? I think you'd be better just to have a conversation to understand why she made that comment and then you can figure out what to do. 

Gosportmum

Did you give her a financial contribution? If not, I think you should have done or have a discussion how you can contribute.

Grouchiest

I cannot fathom why you wouldn’t simply offer to contribute financially to the stay, within your means. Loads of people are struggling in the current climate and you might be but you must have saved something during your stay.

retired19

Weve hosted my mum for the last few years since my dad passed away. Yes sometimes it's added to the expense but let's be honest we'd have the heating on for Christmas day anyway. Did you know that a human adult gives out heat so the more people in the room the less energy the heating system uses. If it's the food/drink bill that's the problem then why not talk to your daughter about bringing the sprouts or other items with you. She might just appreciate your bringing them ready prepared. You say you have another daughter can you alternate with her? In our case my sister lives too far away but it could be possible for you. Anyway the best advice I can think of is talk to your daughters perhaps next summer so you all have time to consider the best option to suit you all.
I know one thing we missed my mum this year at lunch as she's now too frail to come out from her nursing home to visit us 

Rd1994

Definitely not, I’m sure your daughter wants to spend it with you. I make throw away comments about things being expensive with family members but I hope they don’t think I wouldn’t want them there!! Christmas is a time to be with family even if it means having a cheaper day / forgoing some presents or food. I hope you still spend it with your daughter I’m sure she didn’t mean this  

linda2711

Christmas is expensive and maybe there was a little hint. Hopefully you are in a position to be able to contribute toward proceeding. Maybe you could volunteer to buy the Turkey or give a monetary contribution etc. Definitely not a reason to spend Christmas on your own.

Groom

If you really think it is just expense, offer to buy parts of the meal - the turkey and pudding perhaps. However, really it doesn't cost anymore to have just one extra person for a meal or even to stop, as people always buy too much at Christmas, So perhaps she would like it to be just her, her husband and children for a change. I decided to spend Christmas alone during the pandemic and now do every year from choice. I love being able to eat what I like, when I like and do what I want. Presumably you are talking about next Christmas, so have plenty of time to prepare yourself. You don't have to be alone, lots of place host Christmas meals and would welcome you there either as a guest or a volunteer.  

Torry_Quine

Since my husband died I've spent every Christmas alone. No children and no invites. It's no fun at all and very lonely so I would definitely encourage communication with your daughter to come to a solution