Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my daughter she needn't have me over next Christmas?

Obird63

I feel like it's sad that you don't seem to be able to just talk to your daughter about it. If I go to my mum's, I always try to give her some money towards food because feeding extra people is a lot when you are on a pension. She always says no but then when they come to me, I also say no so that way, the burden is shared a bit. You have another daughter, you say, could you not alternate...? Why wouldn't your daughter(s) want their kids to have Christmas with their Grandma..? 
In other news, I agree with some of the other posters here, Christmas on your own can actually be quite nice. You can choose what you eat, what you want to do etc... I mean, my opinion about it overall is probably not the same as other people's as it's a time of year I often find over-hyped and over - pressured and I'd rather just ignore it and treat as a day like any other weekend... Sometimes I enjoy it on my own and sometimes I enjoy it with other people...
Really though, the answer to this question is that you and your daughter need to have a good talk about how her comments made you feel and then come to some sort of agreement about the holidays... I feel like there is something bubbling under the surface of this question that we don't know...
Another question... Is it just the day you spend there? If so, I don't think that feeding one extra person is that big a deal when you are already feeding 4 (or more - you don't say how many kids there are or their ages) ... however, if we are talking about a  multi-day stay then yes, you've got all the extra food and drink plus the extra washing of towels, bed linen etc so I can see it would be a drain. My mum gets me to bring my sleeping bag these days to save the extra washing and I don't mind that at all... 
That said, if it was my mum on her own, I would budget for that and suck it up because that is my mum who has lost her life partner and she'll be on her own over my dead body. Hence... I really think you need to talk... Sorry if that was a lot... 

Topoffice

Seriously ! ?....
My Mother is no longer with us ... she lived to be 96 ... she was on her own for the last 20 years & every Christmas she would come to us .... I would pick her up on Xmas Eve & I would drop her home on Boxing Day ... so that she could spend Christmas with her Son, Daughter in Law & 2 Grandchildren.
What did it cost ? ... peanuts ! ... and even if it did cost ... its your MOTHER ! 

SandraScarlett

My late husband's birthday was Christmas Day, he died 2 days before, the 23rd, and we met on the 21st, so it's a lousy week.  I know I can't keep a smile nailed on my face all day, I don't want to inflict my sadness on others, or put them to any expense, so I just accept that I'll be on my own, cry when I want to, eat what I fancy, and enjoy the other 51 weeks of the year.

IvonH

I find this a strange question.  Surely this is not an "Either - Or" issue.  Why not offer to contribute to the celebration, this could be money or food - offer to buy the ingredients for the Christmas dinner and drinks, for example.  Offer to make dessert, etc.
However, this may not be about the money.  I think your daughter wants to have a family Christmas with just her family and is dropping hints about money so as to not hurt your feelings.  (Also, surely, your grandchildren have another set of grandparents who should also get a look-in sometimes...)
I don't understand why you seem to be spending Christmas with the same daughter every year when you seem to have more than one child.  So, in effect, what I am saying is that this is not about cost and money but about family dynamics.  I suspect that you would offer to not come at Christmas to save money so your daughter feels guilty and insists you should come - and that would not be a nice thing to do. At all.

Shell1989

One more person at the table does not add extra expense. Your daughter would probably still buy the same size / amount of meat, the same amount of dressings, vegetables and puddings - even if you weren't there. I am sorry to hear she made you feel unwelcome by making comments about expense. 

I do think it would be fair if you alternated between your children each year, but if there is a reason why you continue to return to the same daughter, then I would have a frank conversation with her about why she made those comments and what she'd like you to do to support her going forward.

Everyone is different, but I believe if you have invited someone to your home, then the costs assosciated with feeding and watering them are on you. So in all honesty, I'd give your daughter a chance to explain herself, but if she did mean it the way you've taken it - I'd rather be alone in my house on christmas day, than with a child who would ask me to pay my own way at Christmas.

Joo16

Do you feel able to ask her what she would like to do at Christmas?  You could mention that she’d spoken about the expense.  Are you able to tell her what you would like?  Hearing what’s important for both of you will always help get to a solution that’s good for both of you.  Good luck! 

Emmia

Personally I always contribute to Christmas at my mum's, for a few years we provided a beef wellington from our local fancy butchers (instead of turkey, as there weren't many of us) and we've also  provided items for the cheeseboard, some drinks etc., whatever is needed to spread the cost - I'll also assist with the cooking.

My in-laws are trickier, as they're overseas, but we normally provide drinks for Christmas, and will happily go to the supermarket to buy anything needed.

If I host a BBQ in the summer my family will roll up with a salad or two, perhaps a cake or summer pudding, drinks etc. Last year I forgot to buy Pimm's, and with no time to nip to the supermarket I texted my mum (who always seems to have a ready supply) and she turned up with a couple of bottles.

Hosting is expensive in time, effort and money and I'm personally always happy to contribute.

LP53

Sorry that your husband died and you feel lonely.

I think you need to address the Christmas issue  your daughter . You could say it’s been on your mind that she mentioned Christmas was too expensive hosting and say you’d be happy to contribute, or if they would like to not host and have it on their own you’d understand and then you could look for alternative options. 

I wonder if she’s thinking she has to make more of a fuss and go all out with a guest? I don’t understand how one person could really cost anymore. I feel there maybe more to it? However it must have been a bit hurtful especially when you’re on your own.

There will be others in the same boat who feel lonely. I’d look for social groups or support groups and get to know more people with common interests or who are lonely.

happylife

My in laws always buy the turkey

JacobY

Is there a way of making it less expensive for her? Or is  there perhaps something else beneath that, like perhaps the nuclear family would like to share an occasion just with each other? If the latter, perhaps they would be happier for you to visit on eg Boxing Day or another day in the holiday season.