The Diary Of Onebrokelady Aged 60 And A Half

Onebrokelady

jwil said:

What a palaver!  Glad you got them though.

Hope you have a good day today.  It's chucking it down here.

Thanks 🙂it’s wild here today so it’s safe to say I am not going anywhere 😀

Onebrokelady

Woke up this morning at 8 but felt like I had been run over by a truck so I came down fed everyone let B out took painkillers and went back to bed until 11am. I’m feeling slightly better now so just chilling out for a bit in the hope I can actually do something useful today. 

I won’t be going out or doing the garden because it is chucking it down and looks like it’s here for the day. I’m,so glad I got that path done yesterday though because all this rain would have delayed getting it done, it will also help to wash away the mud that was left.

Muddy_Walker

It’s a bit brighter here although I just know if I step out the back door it will hammer down!
I’ve been signed off sick as having dizzy spells and stuff (incredibly long and boring story which I won’t bore you with 🤣) but managed to get up yesterday and today so that’s a win.
Rescued dog1’s favourite toy that she couldn’t get at even though she threw it down the stairs.
Dog2 is wittering on about something….probably a bird shouted at him…he’s adorable but a complete muppet!

Onebrokelady

Muddy_Walker said:

It’s a bit brighter here although I just know if I step out the back door it will hammer down!
I’ve been signed off sick as having dizzy spells and stuff (incredibly long and boring story which I won’t bore you with 🤣) but managed to get up yesterday and today so that’s a win.
Rescued dog1’s favourite toy that she couldn’t get at even though she threw it down the stairs.
Dog2 is wittering on about something….probably a bird shouted at him…he’s adorable but a complete muppet!

Sorry to hear about your dizzy spells. I hope it’s something that can be resolved . Your dogs sound like characters 😀 

Onebrokelady

Well nothing useful was achieved today 😟 I had a bad morning which kind of set me up for a bad day. I never know when I’m going to have a depressive episode and wouldn’t have predicted one yesterday because I was full of the joys of spring. That was not happening today so I’ve not done anything apart from read diaries and drink tea. 

I hate feeling like this and normally take myself off and don’t post but I thought I would just be honest and say it like it is. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the thought of being in pain for the rest of my life so in order to stop thinking about it I do mindless things like scroll the internet but mostly I try to sleep. I have spent the day just waiting for bedtime to come round again. I cant do anything when I’m like this, no reading or crafting as I can’t concentrate. Cleaning  helps but I was too tired today. I would also go on a big spending spree to cheer myself up but resisted that at least 

I’ve been in pain for nearly 24 years apart from a few weeks here and there where it’s suddenly gone away for reasons unknown . I feel like I’m stuck in a rut because I want to exercise but that is not happening at the moment because I’m in too much pain. Yesterday I felt really good mentally walking as much as I did but I was in agony the whole time. The doctors don’t listen to me so I don’t bother trying to  make an appointment, I’m too tired to try to explain it to them. I really don’t know what to do about myself or where to start. I’ve got my debt under control but the rest is falling apart.

My family and friends don’t know how depressed I can get either so I spend a lot of time covering it up which is tiring. I’m going to visit my Mum and Dad tomorrow so will have to be cheerful while I’m there . I think I can be described as having functional depression as I can carry on when I need to so when at work you wouldn’t know and in front of other people . I can offload on here becasue no one will see it that knows me.

I wanted to do some bits to my bedroom today but I looked at it and just felt overwhelmed. I know once I make a start it will be ok but making myself make a start is a real challenge. I keep thinking of all the jobs that need doing and it’s putting me off doing them. I used to love diy when I was fit but now it’s a real struggle to do. 

I hope writing it down will help and I’m sorry if it’s depressing to read but I’m fed up of soldiering on. I will get back to normal at some point 🙂 

badmemory

If writing it down helps then do that.  I have found writing is better than screaming into a pillow, I've done both on occasion.  One of the hardest things about reading it is wishing we could suggest something to help but having no idea what.  So I will just keep willing the pain away from you & I am prepared to bet I am not the only one.

Cherryfudge

It sounds a really hard time and this bout of pain has been going on quite a while so it would be surprising if it didn't drag your mood down too. You must be so tired of it and by it. {{Hugs.}}

I hope your visit to your parents goes okay tomorrow.

jwil

I'm really sorry things are tough at the moment, and hope that writing it down helps a little.  It must be hard living with constant pain, and I'm in awe of what you achieve.

I recognise the overwhelm and the difficulties in getting started.  I feel like that a lot too.

Big hugs from me, I hope you feel better today, and hope the visit goes well.

daisy_1571

Sorry to read this, was going to add to the discussion about non standard paydays but that can wait.  Just adding that I'm wishing you well and hopefully you will feel happier soon but its hard keeping a face on all the time, is there anyone in real life you can offload to?

Daisy xxx

Muddy_Walker

Thank you for sharing that OBL - a very difficult thing to even admit to yourself much less other people. And I expect you see it so much in your line of work as well. 

Plus keeping up a brave face for others takes its toll - I am still reading your previous diary and have read about your parents so keeping things “happy” for them will drain you.
If all you can do is eat shower and sleep then so be it. 

Big hugs xxxxx