Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

slm6002

I work in an alternative school and I don't have what it takes to work in the classrooms.  I am the one hiding in the office lol.  Well done for making it through the day.  I think the chips and a coke should be your treat each week for making it through the not so nice class.   Nice that you have been able to offer the quieter children a place to go without footballs flying past and music blaring out.  I expect they will thank you for it.

Enjoy your weekend

debtfreewannabe321

I wrote a reply yesterday and it got lost as I pressed send - didn't have time to write another...so here we are again  

Thanks all for the comments. @slm6002 I work in a further education establishment (a college) so the students are even bigger and angrier 🙄...

So yesterday I had a lot of jobs to tick off my list. I achieved most of them so was happy about that. First thing I went to my old town to the sorting office to collect the parcel I had successfully managed to divert last minute from my old address. I was super worried all the way over that they would ask for ID and all I had was bills that were 6+ months old on me, well, PO guy asked for a bank card to confirm name, didn't even read it and gave me parcel so much for all that worry. So that job was done early enough. I then went to Mr L & mr T respectively, spending approx £120 (just under) on food for the week. When I got home I was super excited we had £200+ still in the food budget. - DP I had left doing the living room DIY he had started. Well he needed some wood. And well, long story short, I have £90 left in the food budget and £93 on a credit card (my k1arna one so 30 days free and I have budgeted money to pay it off next payday). We spent around £240 in big orange DIY shop on wood mainly and coving. He's up and about already today building me a custom made built in cabinet and shelves for the front room. I drew a picture and bless him he is trying to make it for me as I drew it. I will share a picture when it is done  
-----So we have overspent on DIY massively. But I have wangled it all into the budget so nothing will be on a CC for longer than two weeks. Also once he's in the mood for DIY I feel I should just leave him to it, motivation and energy to do it is key with these jobs so if he wants to get all the DIY I planned for the year out of the way in the first few months (and long winter days where we don't do much outside) then I am leaving him to it. I just have to be the bad guy and reign the budget in every now and then. I did get £30 off the shop yesterday and also £4 cb. But it was still too much. But ya know, little wins on the CB and stuff help me get through it .
So today's jobs- Ironing. Washing. Sorting out food in the fridge into meals and portions to make it easy to grab and cook mid week. Quick tidy around the house. Dinner.

DP had a horrible dream the other night- I had shouted at him because he did nothing around the house. In waking time, this motivated DP to be super nice to me and he cleaned the entire house from top to bottom one day when I was at work I joked, I hope he has more dreams like it, although he was pretty upset over it so maybe not 🙈. I think what I had said before he went to sleep was something different and what I meant was, I am really struggling with my energy could you pick up my slack...I am not even sure what I had said to him that triggered the dream but I know I never shouted or argued or was rude......however his ex used to be like that so I think it kind of triggered an upset response of feeling worthless around the house and ex....oh and now I feel awful for giggling at him. My energy is better this week though, I think the adrenaline crash is done with and energy is evening out now....so I will definitely be able to do more this week coming.

This morning I have opened a new YBS saver, 4.35% easy access for out EF to be moved to. The EF we have currently has slashed the interest from 6% to 1% or something drastic like this. I kept getting emails all week telling me to log in but was busy...well when I read the message I thought ahh best sort this asap. So at least I have done it and it's not been put off (like I usually do). 

Would like to look into holidays soon and decide with DP what we are doing- one abroad or a couple of mini ones in the UK. I might ask the kids for their input. Although as is usual they like to disagree on a lot of things so I tend to just make the decision now on most things and tell them what is happening so there is no argument.

I've spoken to my uncle on WA today - he pops up every now and then. I rarely see him, he's still in London. We chatted about all sorts but it always comes back to trauma.....he has his, I have mine. We have a perpetrator in common (his brother, my father) as well as the fact we have others on top of that. Then the conversation turns sad and one of us makes our excuse to leave the conversation. He is seeking therapy and I have a massive distrust in the professionals because I have been let down when I needed it most. What I find interesting is we have both come to similar conclusions, healing along the way. He, with his therapist, me, with my books, meditation, VBs, gratitude and cutting off those who have never apologised or tried to right their wrongs. I find it makes me feel more at ease from not seeking out traditional therapy, I read so much at one point I have probably read as much as many therapists on the subject of trauma anyway I recognise when I am triggered, I recognise what is best to do to help myself...I haven't yet managed to stop a trigger dead in its tracks (the big ones anyway) but the fact I have awareness of them helps me so much. Anyway nothing to do with MSE......well......yes it is actually. When I was suffering a lot with my MH and being triggered daily by my ex I would spend, spend, spend, spend, trying to make my life feel better. Momentary gratification.........for years worth of debt. I have a handle on this now so I guess it is MSE related, kinda  

Okay, I am getting up. On with the jobs - I can hear DP drilling away. I am so looking forward to seeing the finished results! I get to choose paint colour soon and perhaps some wallpaper- now I have the professional tips on how to do it easily  

debtfreewannabe321

KajiKita said:

Bravo! 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Also very proud of you.

Good news on sorting out the the extra hour ‘reimbursement’. Makes sense not to go up a tax bracket for a only a small amount and that extra leave day will be quite a treat 😊

KK

Yes! I am just under the tax bracket and actually feel a bit smug about paying NONE- first time I have ever got away with that! The extra would push me up possibly enough to trigger the tax being paid so I am happy with this arrangement. It also means I have some sway when I need time off for orthodontist appointments with DD (and there seem to be LOADS coming up). 

debtfreewannabe321

Ok so I was just emailed my receipt from the DIY shop (they always seem to do it the next day) and after discounts etc and vouchers we spent £213. So no where near as bad as I thought. Plus the CB that makes it less than £210. For built in cupboards that's super cheap (although we do need doors still so another spend due there...)

I've finished my book too btw! So that's staying on course for one book a month. I'll find another one to start from all the books I already have in that haven't been read!

debtfreewannabe321

Spends today included clothes hangers. I had hundreds of the darned things and now we're down to hardly any each? Is there some sort of clothes hanger goblin like there is a sock goblin stealing them when I'm not looking?

Lucky the girl in the shop wasn't paying attention and she charged me for 2 rather than 3 packs ...I noticed when I got home and looked at the receipt 😁 I'm not going back to admit it though....

Baldybear

Delurking to say have followed your story for a long time, sorry if that sounds stalker ish but you seem to have come such a long way and are a fab inspiration to where you are now.

I have expeirnced lots of trauma too, see my diary if you are super bored!  But just wonde43d how you managed to get through those situations?  I have signed up for counselling but will be a while.  Also feel need something dsy to day as feel like dh is a big trigger and we just argue constantly.  But am stuck at the moment financially.  Also saw you managed to cope and thrive as a single mum and wondered if you had any tips xx thank you 😊

slm6002

Sorry to butt in @Baldybear, I found being a single mum easier than having XH around and 'helping'.  Both the children and I were no longer walking on egg shells all the time (hadn't realised this was the case until after he had left).

Good luck to you

Baldybear

slm6002 said:

Sorry to butt in @Baldybear, I found being a single mum easier than having XH around and 'helping'.  Both the children and I were no longer walking on egg shells all the time (hadn't realised this was the case until after he had left).

Good luck to you

Thank you so much, just need to find a plan financially and take that step.  Eggshells sounds familar here too so am so pleased you are happier now 😊

debtfreewannabe321

@Baldybear thank you 🙏🏻
My ex husband was my first serious BF. I fell pg with our eldest when I was 18. I didn't know any better than him and thought everyone was either as bad as him, as unhappy as me or had basically won the lottery in relationships. I thought he was better because he hadn't been like my father in the fact he was physically violent. However.....he was emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive and gaslighted the hell out of me whilst he cheated, gambled, drank, took drugs and racked up debt through our marriage and having three children. He told me I was worthless and no one would want me and I believed him. He told me I was ugly and fat and stupid. Etc etc.
I still felt he was better than my dad 🤦🏻‍♀️ and stayed until I was 36. That was 18 years of my life ruined by him. We were on and off many times throughout that and once I broke away for three years with my eldest but he manipulated me back and I had the other two kids. Why? Because I felt 1- never good enough to go alone he told me I wasn't. 2- I never felt good enough for anyone else- my ex told me I wasn't and that I was damaged goods. 3- I felt financially dependent on him. UTTER lies I had lived in a four bed detached house in a nice little town and been dependent on no one but myself. My eldest went to prep school I had a lovely car, we went on holidays....how did I afford that? Well i had gone to work for my first abuser....my dad 🤦🏻‍♀️ . I was desperate to escape him as I was getting better at recognising abuse in the many forms not just physical now & dad ticked them all, so went back to my ex - who never hit me. Sigh.

The time I broke away for good I refused help from my father. And I didn't tell anyone including my sister who lived on the next street and neither my mum. 
I didn't care that I would probably lose the house and that I'd be homeless- I've been homeless before when my mother kicked my dad out after 22 years of abuse- he took his new gf and love child abroad and we were left homeless.

I needed to be free. I'd hit rock bottom. And basically didn't care about anything other than my children anymore. 

As it turned out I got some benefits. Not much as I was in my own home and not renting. But we survived. Mostly on jacket potatoes, pasta and credit cards and the tarot readings I sold on eBay and being more frugal than I've ever seen anyone in my real life do (daily reading on here though lol). So my story isn't that brave nor clever it was pure luck I think. 

IF I ever had to do it again I would be putting money into a private account under someone else's address if possible like my aunt did. She used her parents address and saved £500 (a lot of money when I was little) and she managed to get away and not be poor. I'd also be looking for ways to recognize and understand abuse so you can do something about it as it's happening and realise your triggers (realising them and stopping them are different ball games though and the bigger ones it isn't always possible to stop them but it's easier to bounce back when you cut yourself some slack for reacting ). Forgive YOU. Love YOU. Make peace with YOUR decisions up to now. I have an excellent cptsd book I recommend to everyone and happy to find a picture to share on here so anyone reading this in the same situation can get themselves some help in starting with this. But I also have been meditating for many years now. It's what saved me initially. I meditated for four years straight before feeling strong enough to leave. I pray no one has to do that. But I have deep trauma issues to work through from not just ex and dad but other events along the way in my life. I took the spiritual route in life and like to see that I've just had a very colourful life and that all these things that have happened to me have made me strong, resilient and know right from wrong. I help everyone and anyone where I can. Just because all I was shown was abuse I try to show everyone else love and kindness. Putting out love and joy where you can in turn makes you happier too. I partake in many random acts of kindness along my life and each make me smile even if I never get the same back ...I find instead when I need a moment of faith restoration it's shown to me and I get a good week like last week after a bad one. 
And slowly as you build your self esteem up start trying to emotionally detach from your husband. Try to just once not react and see how you feel. And as you practice it becomes easier and easier until I got to the point where my ex's gf rang me saying he'd been with her a year. I smirked gave him the phone and said I think you ought pack your bags dear, I will finish the dinner for our children. And well that was it. 

I'd become emotionally devoid with him but not the world nor myself. I think self healing at this point is your friend. I'm sorry I've just given you the short version of my life story I feel sometimes these things need background and understanding as we all have different patchwork stories that make us who we are, you need to find that thing that makes you tick (possibly your kids if you have them) and keep on repeat, this is for them.....the universe will always have your back if you are on the right path. I found things went wrong. Wrong. Wrong when I was with the ex. The second I got back on the right path I felt peace (which to me is worth more than paper in my purse). ♥️🙏🏻

debtfreewannabe321

This is the book I recommend....
It's hard reading though and some bits triggering. 
But I felt therapy in the end wasn't for me. I didn't need to tell a therapist every single thing that had happened to me...I would have been there forever 😂 and probably relived it and felt a dozen times worse. 
So depending on how you feel about your trauma and whether it's painful to relive or whether you think actually speaking to someone about it and then telling you you're not to blame and that you're not mad will be helpful then do that. I kind of used my meditation group, my friends as my therapist and they told me that (over and over until I believed it). 
But I wish you every luck and you are not alone. There are so many that feel stuck. And many that stay rather than take a risk. I understand both situations and wouldn't ever judge anyone that takes either. But I really do feel sometimes that fortune favours the brave. It worked for me eventually ♥️🙏🏻 always here for a chat or on pm. I will come find your diary too! X