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At an all time low..

Hello all, been around the boards for a while, had a few diaries but never really kept up with them, but this time it all has to change.  Life is absolute awful and has been for most of the last 10 years and just need a break so really going to try hard and make it count.

Apologies now for the long post but need to get this all out on paper and will hopefully help to see how I am in the situation I now find myself in. 

Have to go back 10 years to May 2015, life was ok, was single, had house with ex who had moved out and was overpaying mortgage to try and buy out, life was ok, good job, friends and family, mum just celebrated her 70th, fast forward to November and mum got diagnosed with cancer and was dead in 2 weeks, still to this day I still dont understand what went on.  Since then life has been a massive up and down rollercoaster.  Summarising the years below as this helps my mind to get it down:
2015 - mum died
2016 - dealing with dad after mum and his dementia diagnosis, made redundant from work after 12yrs, only good thing was inheritance from mum which allowed me to buy out ex and take on mortgage by myself.
2017 - a goods friend mum died who was close too
2018 - met new man, life seems ok but then best friend died 
2019 - Got married which was lovely, only did cheap as did a lot but still 10k plus
2020 - Covid hit, my dad died and didnt see him for the last 3 months of his life and then not long after my auntie died
2021 - Got pregnant and gave birth to daughter, brilliant, but was 6 weeks prem and diagnosed with a CDH (dont google it scary!) and had 5hr surgery at 2 days old and spent her first 3 months in NICU, not an experience I ever want to repeat, absolutely terrifying, then one of my mums friend who had given a lot of support died
2022 - an ex, but still a best friend committed suicide, daughter diagnosed with scoliosis and quite severe case
2023 - my brother in law died, heart attack at 53 leaving my nephew without a dad at 13
2024 - this year seemed to start ok no funerals this year! my daughter started nursery, only did first term and then got diagnosed with RSV and spent 5 weeks in hospital including nearly 3 weeks in ICU on a ventilator critically ill.  Finally made it home 13 december
2025 - first few days ok then daughter caught another virus and another week in hospital on oxygen.  Finally too today and she has gone back to school and I feel like I have 5 mins to breathe.

In 2021 october I went with OH back to his home country and there we had lots of rows, basically he put his family first and would not listen to any of my concerns about our daughter over there, they and he were right and I wasnt allowed an opinion.  Since then my marriage has just got worse and worse and is basically non existent now.  We have such differing views on everything and I am becoming to really hate him sometimes.  I have never know such spite from someone and I cant carry on like this. 

My self esteem and general life worth is absolute zero, hence the title of this diary and I need to somehow get back to who I am.

Will do debts etc in next post.
Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
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Comments

  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    So carry on, well done for getting this far!  Since my daughter was born Aug 2021 I have never had a day off.  Due to lack of family support due to everyone dying.  I have a sister but she is now a single parent and has to work, and she is helpful and I do spend a lot of time with her, try to see one day a weekend at least but I am exhausted.  My DH (although not dear :neutral:) works full time and I stay at home.  She has started nursery but only doing 15hrs plus one extra top up session to make it 3 whole days.  Since going this has been my first time off.

    I am absolutely exhausted both physically and mentally with everything.  My DH will look after DD a few hrs in the morning on a weekend sometime and I am "lucky" to have a lay in, but he often works extras at the weekend and whatever I say about money and time is more important when DD young it doesn't always go in and these days it seems whatever I say or do is wrong.

    My mental health is not good, I feel like I have some symptoms of ptsd with everything I have been through, I have signed up to counselling, going to do bereavement counselling first then a course of CBT, just waiting on date for first appointment, this was due to start before christmas but DD had her ICU stay and it all got put on hold.  I really do need to sort my head out it isnt a great place to me sometimes.

    My DD was born with CDH and now diagnosed with scoliosis.  She wears a corrective brace but will need surgery when older just trying to hold of for as long as possible.  Due to recent stays in ICU we are now under it seems 10 outpatient clinics and on nebs, prophlaxis (sp?) antibiotics, iron amongst many other meds.  I did apply for DLA for her last year but was told she wasnt suitable as can walk and lower rate dont get till 5.  I am going to try and apply again especially now we need to keep O2 in the house permanently for her.


    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    So finally debts etc.  As of today I owe £39k on 3 credit cards and my mortgage is £63K.

    My DH also has a card and loan but I dont care, he has made it quite clear that I am on my own and the house is mine and the threat to leave is nearly daily.  The house was mine too but went into joint names when we got married.  I am sure he would be happy to walk away from the mortgage and transfer back to me, he has property abroad back home so doesnt seem to care which is one plus I suppose.

    I got to 38k, wow its a huge figure, some has been massive interest as was on balance transfers and now all ended the interest is just piling on.  Got here by wedding, trips abroad to see DH family which feel like guilt tripped into and him not earning whilst away, 2 new cards/vans, needed unfortunately due to stupid ULEZ and most of DDs apptmts at hospitals in London, general cost of living, it all adds up.  I dont own lots of stuff, not into expensive gadgets but it must have gone somewhere.

    Mortgage is ok, on 5 yr fix with 3 yrs left to run, 4.5%, house value is £425k which means I have great equity.  Was looking at downsizing for just me and DD and this could mean I could pay of all CC's as well but I dont have any money to finance the move, solicitors etc.

    I will try and do SOA tomorrow, dont want to stay up to late as DD had a disturbed night last night and am shattered 
    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
  • Wow, you are so incredibly strong and resilient...you've gone through so much in the last 10 years! Honestly the debt sounds like nothing because you've been to hell and back and I can't imagine the stress of your daughter being so poorly! 

    Is it an option to downsize? With no childcare and limited capacity to work it does seem like the easiest option. Perhaps you could do a few hours work a week to get some extra money to enjoy life a bit more, days out etc once your debt is paid off! 

    I honestly can't believe that about the DLA, definitely reapply! 
    Debt Free as of December 2020 👏

    Save 12k in 2024 #25 - £500 / £2000

    MFW - 16 months shaved off the mortgage
  • Thriftymissus
    Thriftymissus Posts: 67 Forumite
    10 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    edited 14 January at 1:56AM
    Hello, you have faced far, far worse than dealing with debt and you can absolutely get where you need to be. You should hold your head up high to have carried on caring for others as you have and be proud to be refocusing on sorting debts. Your health absolutely comes first. I’m wishing you loads of good things to come and hope the wise people on here can help and spur you on to smash your goals. I’m so sorry for all your losses, I’m another one hit far too hard by bereavements and trauma these last years. Our best is good enough. Grief and anxiety can be so debilitating. I hope the sessions you have planned can really help. 

    Because your mental health isn’t good, can you give yourself a break? I was diagnosed with PTSD and couldn’t open any letters or speak about anything financial on the phone. I couldn’t have told you what day it was in a storm of deeply distressing and traumatic loss.

    I don’t know how much you know about debt support for people when they’re affected by emotional illness but this is what came up when I’ve just looked; I’m certainly not an expert and I hope someone will be along to offer sound and realistic advice.

    • Breathing space
      A legal protection that gives you a break from creditors for up to 60 days. During this time, creditors can't contact you about debts, add interest, or take enforcement action. 
    Debt write-off
    If your mental health condition is long-term and unlikely to improve, you can ask your creditors to write off your debt. 
    Debt and mental health evidence form (DMHEF)
    A form that you can get completed by a healthcare professional to help creditors understand your situation. 
    Individual Voluntary Arrangement (IVA)
    A legally binding agreement with your creditors that's set up by an Insolvency Practitioner. 
    Money advice
    You can get advice from a money adviser who has experience working with people with mental health problems. 
    What you can do
    • Consider your options
      Think about what you want to achieve and what options are available to you. 
    Gather your paperwork
    Gather all your bills and paperwork before you contact an adviser. 
    Consider your mental health
    Think about how your mental health affects your ability to manage your finances. 
    Ask for support
    If you feel uncomfortable going alone, ask a friend or relative to come with you. 
    Prepare a letter
    You can write a letter to your creditors asking for a write-off. Include details about your situation, such as how long you've been unwell and how your debts affect your mental health. 


    I’m not sure how relevant you’ll feel any of the above is, I hope it’s positive food for thought even if it’s mostly a very long winded way of saying — please be kind to you. 
  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Hello so not good at updating but am determined to do so.

    Thanks for both replies.  Will definitely look into the 60 days grace but think am going to have to go to the dmp route as have no choice and no funds.

    As of today have 870 in account, need to pay 82 for nursery fees top up for this term and prob about 50 shopping for fresh bits.

    Need 1100 each month for basic bills so short for that but still have another week to get some more from dh next week, hes only paid short this week again.  My credit rating will affect his but i am past caring.

     These next 2 montha wont need that 1100 as free council tax amd water but car ins due end feb, did have to do montly payments last year but prob wont be able to this year as credit rating so trying to save for one amount, should have enoigh with uc due.
    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
  • MFWannabe
    MFWannabe Posts: 2,429 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Have you discussed your marriage etc with your husband? 
    What do you each want? If you both want to separate (you’ve said threats to leave are daily] then maybe you should discuss this and what it will mean, I.e house etc 
    You will probably find you are better off financially on your own anyway
    MFW 2025 #50: £259.20/£6000


    18/01/25: Mortgage: £68,500.14
    27/12/24: Mortgage: £69,278.38 

    27/12/24: Debt: £0 🥳😁
    27/12/24: Savings: £12,000

  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    I do do some work, do a bit of audio typing for a physio clinic, not a lot of money but something that can fit in round childcare, havent done much at end of last year as no time whilst in hospital with dd but am just catching up on outstanding bits and will invoice shortly.

    Dh is out to work today so am on own again, wont be getting the money fron that he is keeping what he wants and gives what he wants, am sick of begging for money, he is determined to go back abroad but me and dd wont be joining him.

    Washing finishing shortly, nebs done for dd so breakast then going to pop over and see sister for few hrs.

    I have also appealed the dla as still in time and have lots more consulants letters which really backs up with brilliant wording so need to get them sent off next week.
    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    MFWannabe said:
    Have you discussed your marriage etc with your husband? 
    What do you each want? If you both want to separate (you’ve said threats to leave are daily] then maybe you should discuss this and what it will mean, I.e house etc 
    You will probably find you are better off financially on your own anyway
    Hello thanks for the reply he has made it quite clear there is no marriage, i just want out but cant afford on my own yet, he needs to move out but then no idea how he will pay.  He just threatens take him to court and he wilk pay what they tell.

    At the moment uc says only entitled to 681 a month plus 102 child benefit, cant afford that as less than 10k a year, need to go back to uc and see what i can do.  Have had a brief look and if can get dla and also possibly a lodger than can prob afford.

    Need to do that soa soon and then can have a proper look and assess. 
    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
  • MFWannabe
    MFWannabe Posts: 2,429 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    Were those figures based on your husband being there or being on your own? Doesn’t sound right for a single person 🤔 
    There’s people on this forum that have experience in these matters so hopefully they be able to advise on this 
    MFW 2025 #50: £259.20/£6000


    18/01/25: Mortgage: £68,500.14
    27/12/24: Mortgage: £69,278.38 

    27/12/24: Debt: £0 🥳😁
    27/12/24: Savings: £12,000

  • Baldybear
    Baldybear Posts: 1,706 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    MFWannabe said:
    Were those figures based on your husband being there or being on your own? Doesn’t sound right for a single person 🤔 
    There’s people on this forum that have experience in these matters so hopefully they be able to advise on this 
    Thanks thats a single person and child as dh not in equation.  Will do soa and then hopefully get some advice from the people that know x
    Debt 13-1-25 - £39K!!!
    Mortgage 13-1-25 - £63K

    Mt DFW Diary: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6580353/at-an-all-time-low#latest
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