At an all time low..

BrilliantButScary

You have put your husband's monthly income after tax down as £1200. Is this his actual income or the amount he contributes to the household, albeit sporadically? Do you know how much money he has in his account and what or who he spends it on? Are the debts all under your name? Could you be the victim of financial abuse?

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

Information is power Baldybear. Checkout what your situation would be if you divorced, particularly in relation to your house, start with  Citizen's 
Advice. 

Baldybear

BrilliantButScary said:

You have put your husband's monthly income after tax down as £1200. Is this his actual income or the amount he contributes to the household, albeit sporadically? Do you know how much money he has in his account and what or who he spends it on? Are the debts all under your name? Could you be the victim of financial abuse?

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

Information is power Baldybear. Checkout what your situation would be if you divorced, particularly in relation to your house, start with  Citizen's 
Advice. 

Hello thanks so much for the advise.  The money is just what he contributes, it used to be more.  He earns 760 week nett and pays his own phone, fuel etc.and lunches.and any other spends although does take food from.home too.  He used to give 500 a week for 3 weeks and 300 for the other week as has loan in his own name for part of his van so that was the other 200 that week.  And he says he is poor 🙄😡

Baldybear

All the 3 ccs are in my name he has a loan for van.  We have always had separate finances  only joint names are mortgage and council tax, all other bills in my name as been easier with me running house and having the time to sort deals.

Baldybear

Will go and look at that link too thank you as there maybe a sort of abuse as have leant money to his brother with promises of being paid back but it turns out he has settled the debt back abroad and taken some of his assets there and now on dh name.  Which he doesnt understand that we are poor here and rich there but he is not me, it makes me so angry, we live here 😡

His brother is a whole other situation and for various reasons refuse to have him in the house anymore and dont want him anywhere near dd.  My worst scenario would be dh move out and move his brother in wherever he goes and then dd spends time there with him.  I just dont want her to see him at all, he has done too many things i dont trust him and again so angry that dh doesnt get that and keeps helping him and doesnt see the big picture 😪

debtfreewannabe321

I think best course of action is to seek advice on what you are entitled to if he does leave. It has to be more than what you are on. Getting the carer's allowance sorted will help too. Your house is a huge asset and I would be perhaps looking to see what the market is doing locally (perhaps without telling OH) and see whether selling would be an option and downsizing with no mortgage. If you go this course with your husband there though will he want to be put on the deeds for the new home? I would be worried about that in case you lost the home should you both decide to split because he wants half. Are citizens advice bureaus even a thing any more? My mother sought help when we were younger from one and they gave excellent advice and helped her fill out paperwork as she was dyslexic. (they are I looked -Citizens Advice)  If all debt is in your name I would be looking at that link posted above too...it sounds to me like he is using your good nature to fund himself especially if he is changing what he gives you to suit him. My ex used to do this to me when I stayed home with the kids and I felt beholden to him all the time, I would literally have to beg for money for the house and his 3 kids some months. This is abuse. I never realised it, but now you are aware of it, get some advice. As for your husband's brother and you not trusting him around your DD then you can also seek advice about that and get the correct authorities involved so that can't happen (at least not easily).

BrilliantButScary

Baldybear said:

Will go and look at that link too thank you as there maybe a sort of abuse as have leant money to his brother with promises of being paid back but it turns out he has settled the debt back abroad and taken some of his assets there and now on dh name.  Which he doesnt understand that we are poor here and rich there but he is not me, it makes me so angry, we live here 😡

His brother is a whole other situation and for various reasons refuse to have him in the house anymore and dont want him anywhere near dd.  My worst scenario would be dh move out and move his brother in wherever he goes and then dd spends time there with him.  I just dont want her to see him at all, he has done too many things i dont trust him and again so angry that dh doesnt get that and keeps helping him and doesnt see the big picture 😪

As debtfreewannabe321 says, it can be difficult to identify that you are in an abusive relationship. For further help you may want to contact:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Baldybear

debtfreewannabe321 said:

I think best course of action is to seek advice on what you are entitled to if he does leave. It has to be more than what you are on. Getting the carer's allowance sorted will help too. Your house is a huge asset and I would be perhaps looking to see what the market is doing locally (perhaps without telling OH) and see whether selling would be an option and downsizing with no mortgage. If you go this course with your husband there though will he want to be put on the deeds for the new home? I would be worried about that in case you lost the home should you both decide to split because he wants half. Are citizens advice bureaus even a thing any more? My mother sought help when we were younger from one and they gave excellent advice and helped her fill out paperwork as she was dyslexic. (they are I looked -Citizens Advice)  If all debt is in your name I would be looking at that link posted above too...it sounds to me like he is using your good nature to fund himself especially if he is changing what he gives you to suit him. My ex used to do this to me when I stayed home with the kids and I felt beholden to him all the time, I would literally have to beg for money for the house and his 3 kids some months. This is abuse. I never realised it, but now you are aware of it, get some advice. As for your husband's brother and you not trusting him around your DD then you can also seek advice about that and get the correct authorities involved so that can't happen (at least not easily).

@debtfreewannabe321 many thanks for your reply.  I do need to make an appointment with citizens advice or similar, will see what I can do next week when small person is at school.  Your story sounds very familiar unfortunately, I feel that I am begging for money for the house and kids, I dont waste it, he can see all I do is provide for the house and not do anything for myself, bills are paid, food is on the table, DD has new clothes or bits for school as needed, its not rocket science.  I am definitely going to look into the abuse situation to see what comes out of it.

Baldybear

BrilliantButScary said:

Baldybear said:

Will go and look at that link too thank you as there maybe a sort of abuse as have leant money to his brother with promises of being paid back but it turns out he has settled the debt back abroad and taken some of his assets there and now on dh name.  Which he doesnt understand that we are poor here and rich there but he is not me, it makes me so angry, we live here 😡

His brother is a whole other situation and for various reasons refuse to have him in the house anymore and dont want him anywhere near dd.  My worst scenario would be dh move out and move his brother in wherever he goes and then dd spends time there with him.  I just dont want her to see him at all, he has done too many things i dont trust him and again so angry that dh doesnt get that and keeps helping him and doesnt see the big picture 😪

As debtfreewannabe321 says, it can be difficult to identify that you are in an abusive relationship. For further help you may want to contact:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Thank you so much for this, I do need to look into this more, will set some time for this shortly.

Baldybear

Hello all and thank you for everyone for helpful comments, also got quite a few on the DFW main board so have taken those into account.  Last night was not good again, DD is shattered in the evening after day at nursery, she is only just 3 (an august baby!) so a full day does take it out on her, she seems to only want me when tired and gets grumpy with DH. But he takes offence as thats not how his family abroad acts like and then its my fault apparently for teaching her like that, no its just I am there 24/7, you arent, if she is tired or unwell she just wants mum.  its not anything personal, she is only 3 !!!!!! and doesnt have that mindset yet.  Again carried on this morning as was wanting help giving nebs before work and school and she didnt want DH, well I know its hard but we just have to get on with it whether we like it or not, its not me turning her against him.  I am always saying play with Daddy etc but apparently its my bad parenting again.  I rang my sister in tears this morning before 7.30 as just feel everything is such hard work and I really struggle to find the positives in anything at the moment.

Apologies for the rant but this is the only place apart from sister I can truly express my life and it helps to get it all down on paper.

Baldybear

Money wise have tried to be pro-active this morning.

I have opened a new Monzo account, just transferred £10 so far but at least its all set up.  I want to change a few DD's across to this too so will do soon but the first hurdle is crossed.

I have also applied for breathing space which has been accepted so 60 days of no calls, of which I have started a few.  I have done this via stepchange so the 3 cc's now have their details too.

I have also changed my budget a bit to take into approx of what DH gives me and stepchange agreed to put me into a DMP, so have filled all that out and hopefully that will be set up soon.  Its a payment  of £168 a month which I will make somehow, it says will take just over 19yrs, I will be nearly retirement age (am 47 in a few months time!) but hopefully will be able to pay this off a lot sooner.

Few surveys done last night and £4 odd received so that was good.  Started good mindset and done a bit more adhoc work today so although not invoicing for week or so it will soon add up.