Flying solo

PennysIntoPounds

Good luck with sending the message. It is very anxiety inducing but you'll feel like you've progressed once it's done.
 Is it an idea to copy it into an email and send that as well so there's a record of it he can't delete/'lose his phone' and claim he never got it?
Maybe mention now or in writing in response to his inevitable objection about not getting money, that he is entitled to consult a solicitor and send you a factual list of works done and cost, however this does not annul or extend the leaving date for him and all his belongings, and if he chooses to make this claim you will in return be sending him via your solicitor a list of costs incurred since the end of the relationship and any counter costs of yours to his claims?
Might make him think twice if he thinks he's going to have to shell out for legal representation 

twiggy86

Thank you both. To be honest, not sure I can feel much more anxiety riddled than I do already so just need to have the difficult conversation. I think I'm still in disbelief that he has a view that he is entitled to such ridiculous sums - also when I told him he had until the end of the month he said "I don't want to go"... no of course he doesn't!!! 

PennysIntoPounds

What a petulant, entitled childman. He can not want to go as much as he likes but he's got two weeks and three days til the locks are changed and his stuff is on the street if he doesn't move it so he'd better sort it out

MFWannabe

twiggy86 said:

Thank you both. To be honest, not sure I can feel much more anxiety riddled than I do already so just need to have the difficult conversation. I think I'm still in disbelief that he has a view that he is entitled to such ridiculous sums - also when I told him he had until the end of the month he said "I don't want to go"... no of course he doesn't!!! 

You need to have the conversation and please make sure you stand your ground. 
If you don’t he will think he’s got his own way/ doesn’t have to leave 
he has it too good that’s why he doesn’t want to go! 

satchmo1

Have you got the space for a friend/family member to stay with you until after the leaving deadline? 

_Dolly_Rocker_

Why would he want to - he realises his mistake now and unfortunately there is no backtracking. The damage is done. 

Floss

twiggy86 said:

• Consider how to address financial situation with ex 

I would write a letter and print it off, and also send it attached to an email with a delivery receipt.

Suggested text:

"I have taken independent legal advice from a family lawyer and will not be making any ex-gratia payments to you following the irretrievable breakdown of our relationship. I am however prepared to consider reimbursement of the cost of materials for the works detailed below. Please note that any request must include receipts & details of the work undertaken, otherwise payment will not be considered.

To repeat the verbal notice given on 31st October of one month's notice to leave my property with all your possessions, you are to leave my property on or before 30th November 2023 and to surrender all keys in your possession. Any goods left will be donated to a charity of my choice or destroyed."

Love & kisses 
Twiggy

foxgloves

@twiggy86 - I can understand that this is a difficult time & is making you anxious. I think the reason your ex hasn't so much as packed a single pair of pants into a box ready for moving-out day, is that he doesn't think you will enforce it. Therefore to stop him majorly taking the p*ss, he does need a formal looking letter so he defo has it in writing. If he thinks you will be a soft touch, there is simply no onus on him to look for a flat & move on. Presumably if you were looking for a flat mate to share living costs, your choice would not be him, so it's time for him to get some self-respect & jog on. Time to be strong & ensure that he not only 'gets' the message that the date set is non-negotiable, but that he abides by it.
I don't doubt this will be a difficult conversation, but it can't be as bad as the current situation just dragging on. You need a new start. Make it quite clear that you will be taking legal advice throughout & that you won't be handing out willy-nilly sums of £30k either.
Deep breaths.....then go for it.
We will all be rooting for you.
F

Purplelady65

I have just looked back at your first posts to remind myself and was really surprised to see he had been your OH for 16 years! What a scumbag. You say he has only paid you £300 per month in the last year so this is well below market rate for board and lodgings. Assuming he has paid you a similar amount over the last 16 years then it’s more likely he owes you money for underpaying on his board and lodging. Two of my friends split up with their partners where the house and mortgage was in their own name. With the first couple he moved out as soon as the relationship was over (there were no affairs) and there was no pay off. 

The second couple my friend found out he’d been seeing a woman who he swore blind was a friend. He had paid her minimal board and lodging over the 5 years he’d lived there and then ended up staying in the house for months sleeping on the settee as my friend also doesn’t like conflict. In the end it was only her adult children constantly nagging her that made her take any action to get him out otherwise I think he would still be there as his only option was the box room at his elderly mother’s house. She didn’t pay him any money to go. 

Re another OP suggestion I agree it would be useful to see a therapist to explore your aversion to conflict. No one likes conflict (or there may be a few people) but to put your own needs and wants so low in terms of priority and in order to avoid conflict isn’t a great place to be. It could be really helpful in the future if you are able to feel more confident and comfortable in a conflict situation. 

twiggy86

Thank you all so much for your words - funny how strangers online can make you believe in yourself slightly more! 

Well what can I say - if you saw me last night you would think "this girl isn't shy of an argument"! I think it's safe to say that I stuck up for myself and gave ex a few home truths! It wasn't pretty but I'd say it helped drive the message home... except he has texted today saying it isn't "fair" or "right" that he leaves with nothing but that he will leave by the weekend (probably subject to me paying him off). So we're not done but we're taking steps towards closure.