Flying solo

twiggy86

Oh I don't disagree with you @PennysIntoPounds! I keep flitting between "he is getting sweet FA from me" to "oh just give him something to make him go away". It doesn't help that I don't hate him - probably should and would definitely make/ feelings simpler if I did!  

I have just sorted out my car tax and moved the money I had set aside into my "misc savings" pot. So there is now:

• £492.90 sat in the misc savings
• £1k emergency fund
• £550 in my house pot 
• £477 in various other pots - some of which will be needed sooner than others (e.g. £170 for Xmas although I don't have much to buy, £100 for dentist appointment in Jan). 

I'm so pleased I prioritised the EF this time as I really would be feeling the pressure if I didn't have that! 

CMD79

 He was basically listing out all of the things he believed he paid for. He also offered to pay me £300-£400 moving forward towards to credit cards - as if I believe that is going to happen (and was probably contingent on a pay out now!) 

Did he mention what his offer of £300 - £400 was for specifically?? I feel like this should be used against him in that he clearly understands he owes you rather than vice versa. I can't imagine how you're really feeling with so many questions going unanswered in this scenario. WHEN - what time and day is he leaving? Is he paying you £300, or £350 or £400 per month every month? What is this covering as it implies he owes you. Is he expecting you to give him money for the work he has carried out in the last 16 years whilst he was living off you or does the work he did versus him living off you balance that out? 

You are definitely right to feel proud of yourself for how you've conducted yourself. xx

PennysIntoPounds

The thing with the nuisance payment is that he has absolutely no financial overall loss to put to you or to a legal representative, or unless he's completely unhinged, to himself. He's just trying to see how much of a 'urine extraction' he can get away with, and if you pay any amount once, then he'll think you've agreed that he's entitled to come back and do it over and over whenever he likes for the rest of your life.
Absolutely your choice and you know your situation best, but this is not a situation where you're fighting it out for property and assets in both your names in a court based divorce, where you might be better off compromising.
He's just a pathetic chancer.
As I said, he can pay for a solicitor and send an official legal invoice if he feels he's genuinely been financially aggrieved.
At the moment he's an embarrassing freeloader who's crossed so many boundaries in his recent behaviour that the police would have to take it seriously if you wanted to tell them there's a man in your house who won't leave unless you give him money 

Floss

I believe he thinks you won't go through with this. I do think you need to put it in writing to him that he needs to be out by midnight on 30th November with all his goods & possessions, and anything he leaves will be disposed of. 

Is your dad ready to change the locks? You might want to check the locks to ensure they can be changed easily, otherwise you may need a locksmith so have a look for a reputable local one just in case it's needed.

joedenise

Absolutely agree with both @PennysIntoPounds and @Floss.  Don't give him a penny he doesn't "deserve" anything!  He owes you rather than the other way around.

Definitely get it in writing that he needs to leave along with anything he want to keep by 30 November and that you will be disposing of anything he leaves behind.

Have you got a friend to can be there with you for a bit of moral support this week?  That could be really helpful.

twiggy86

So last night me and ex had a very calm, (semi) productive conversation. I started with the approach of "can you say I've acted unreasonably in the last 6 months - which his answer was (of course) no. I could then follow this with "I'm not trying to be unreasonable re money". I went on to explain the situation re jury duty, need to get a lodger etc. All of this led to being able to "park" the conversation until next year - meaning that it appears next week will go smoothly without me handing over anything. That was the outcome I wanted - I've promised nothing but a conversation but feel less anxious about next week (although also sadder).

My dad is perfectly happy changing the locks - he fitted the door and knows what he's doing, but I don't feel like there is as much urgency for this given last night (don't get me wrong it's still happening on Friday!) 

twiggy86

Today's bits and bobs... 

• Work on crochet gift at lunch 
• Buy some things that I want from 'the big rainforest' - have a £100 voucher and been waiting for sales to use it! Although I was originally going to buy the tablet which I've now been very kindly gifted 
• Going ice skating tonight. Ticket was £15 in the end but will try to keep spends tonight as low as possible - will at least park for free

Seems a very short list but will see if there's anything else! 

Little_bit_taller

twiggy86 said:

So last night me and ex had a very calm, (semi) productive conversation. I started with the approach of "can you say I've acted unreasonably in the last 6 months - which his answer was (of course) no. I could then follow this with "I'm not trying to be unreasonable re money". I went on to explain the situation re jury duty, need to get a lodger etc. All of this led to being able to "park" the conversation until next year - meaning that it appears next week will go smoothly without me handing over anything. That was the outcome I wanted - I've promised nothing but a conversation but feel less anxious about next week (although also sadder).

My dad is perfectly happy changing the locks - he fitted the door and knows what he's doing, but I don't feel like there is as much urgency for this given last night (don't get me wrong it's still happening on Friday!) 

Sorry to be cynical but I would not trust anything he says and would not be expecting next week to go "smoothly" purely as a self protection thing and to be on high alert to act quickly should things deteriorate. If he understood the situation and how badly he had acted he would be gone already. He should not be putting you in this situation in the 1st place.

Also as has been mentioned before, giving him money will only open the doorway to him asking for more. Hold firm and lock the door behind him.

FacelessNumber

Not much advice here but just wanted to comment to say you are doing a great job of handling everything so far, and I'm sure you'll continue to do so! 

CMD79

Just dropping by to say, there's lots of people thinking of you this week and we all hope things go without too much resistance from him.

I just read back through the last few pages on your thread, and whilst I don't like to be cynical, have the details of his departure been pinned down and agreed by him. The deadline was 30th November, but I'm sure I saw reference to a van being used at the weekend? I am just wondering if a conversation to really firm this up needs to happen. Maybe letting him know that the locks are being changed, and you need to confirm he'll be ready to not come back in after that time. Although that might get a rise out of him, so maybe tell him your dad is a bit worried about you, and you know you don't need to change the locks because he's agreed to go, but your dad is worried and insisted, so he's coming at 19:00 Thursday night.

Anyway, best wishes and this time next week, I hope you're relaxing in your own home with a huge burden lifted. xx