Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my eldest stepdaughter to go on holiday with us?

twopenny

I used to get embarrassed by being offered money to travel to see my family. That was around 21.

But even then I didn't have a house and was still struggling up the promotion ladder - but I still wanted independence.

Why would a couple living together and with a house still want to be paid to go on holiday with family? Only to save their own money.

Only to save money. Unless they are so close that they want to be with their dad and extended family. In which case they can contribute which would show a desire to be with their relatives more than cost.

I'm surprised that the eldest daughter's partner wants to go with her family rather than, at their age and new relationship, go together on their own. There's something not quite right.

But she's young. Want's the live in and financial support of her dad.

That shows her youth.

What you do about it is very difficult.

You need to keep your partner onside and his children. Any chance of a discussion with the whole family on who pays what?

Needs to be had but a nightmare arranging it.

I think you need to keep finances seperate between you and partner, at least to some extent. Would he be happy to foot everyones bill if it was entirely coming from his pocket?

Spendless

MACKEM99 said:

Bahhumbug said:

21. That's a good age to stop paying for your children in many, if not all, areas. Have a conversation with them now about paying for themselves from 21 onwards. It's irrelevant what the eldest earns. And as a reply to some of the other posters, since when did buying a house become a cheap life option? They're probably now as poor as the rest of us!!!

Also, I've never met an 'adult' 20 year old. 25, absolutely (for anyone who needs a number). By 25 pretty much everyone has it sorted, but not 20. I wasn't, none of my friends or acquaintances were, none of my friends children were... irrespective of life path taken.

20 is a child wow?

As explained, not what the poster meant. I have a 20yo. I have said before that 'the law says she's an adult, a competence test wouldn't give the same result'

I also have a 23yo who has got a degree, is working f-time, and has recently married, which illustrates the point being made.

As to the dilemma, I'm a bit cynical about makes more money than we do. That's unusual for a 20yo, unless there's a specific reason as to why. Combined their household might, my neice a police apprentice and her boyfriend in the prison service were earning a good combined wage at age 20, which would have been more than older adult households, disposable income is a different matter though if they've just bought a house and it's a separate issue entirely as to whether they actually want to holiday with you all, regardless of who is paying.  

Malthusian

Agent57 said:

Treating "Children" equally in a will is one thing, but treating a five year old and a twenty something the same in all aspects of life is illogical. The older they are the less support they need on a sliding scale.  But there is no magic age when people stop being children and become adults regardless of what the law says.

The older generation paying for a multi-household family holiday isn't support, it's a treat.
It also avoids any thorny issues about the 20 year old having to pay for a holiday that they may not have chosen for themselves.
If the idea for the holiday had come from the 20 year old then I agree it would be strange if they expected the parents to pay for them, but that isn't usually how these things work.

Exodi

I can't imagine my parents paying for me to go on holiday after I left home but horses for courses.

I think saying to your 20 year old stepdaughter "you need to pay" while simultaneously saying to your 19 year old stepdaughter "we'll pay for you" is a tad harsh. If the 20 year old has only just bought a house at current rates, I think they need every bit of help they can get!

I don't think you should actively penalise one for trying to earn more - though if she offers to contribute, that would be a nice thing to do.

To be honest, my eyes glaze over when someone uses the blanket justification of "especially in the current economic situation". Presumably people significantly affected by the current economic situation aren't going on family holidays with 6-7 people.

If the point had only been about insisting that the 20 year old pays for her boyfriend, I probably would have stood behind you.

EvaSK_2

Consider it a bribe and an investment. It is possible that your husband's daughter is on a cusp of becoming independent emotionally, and he will have no more opportunities for spending family holidays with her for many years, if not for ever. Civilisation is moving ahead into separating us away from our tribes and family units into isolated and more lonely existence. Forget about rights and wrongs of kids freeriding on your purse. That bribe for their companionship should be your generous gift to your husband. If you will create a friendly and memorable time for your step-daughter and step-daughter's other half, he may be more inclined in the future to let your husband spend time with his and hers children - your husband's (future) grandchildren. 

Sallyderek1

beadjoux said:

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I live with my husband and our five-year-old daughter, and we have a 16-year-old stepson who lives with us a couple of days a week, a 19-year-old stepdaughter at university and a 20-year-old stepdaughter who has just bought her first home. Last time we went away, we paid for them all, including the eldest's boyfriend. For our next holiday, my husband and I disagree about whether the eldest and her boyfriend should now pay for themselves or at least contribute. My stance is that they should pay, especially in the current economic situation, as she earns more than us put together.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

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If they are living independently, they should pay independently, particularly if they are earning more than your household. 

beadjoux said:

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I live with my husband and our five-year-old daughter, and we have a 16-year-old stepson who lives with us a couple of days a week, a 19-year-old stepdaughter at university and a 20-year-old stepdaughter who has just bought her first home. Last time we went away, we paid for them all, including the eldest's boyfriend. For our next holiday, my husband and I disagree about whether the eldest and her boyfriend should now pay for themselves or at least contribute. My stance is that they should pay, especially in the current economic situation, as she earns more than us put together.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

 If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
 Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If they are living independently, they should pay independently, particularly if they are earning more than your household. 

Absolutely not!! They have bought a house, so are obviously working. I just don’t know what your husband is thinking. 

toomuchinfo

I think it’s wonderful that the whole family still wants to holiday together and that you, as their stepmother have made them feel that they are totally included in the family. If you can afford to pay, do it this time, the problem in the future might be that the others will expect their boyfriends/girlfriends to be paid for so your husband and you will have to find a way of suggesting that this can’t happen.

The older ones can go on holiday with you and then have their own holiday at another time if they want to.

RowleyJim

It's simple enough really. Once you have all agreed that children have become independent (moved out, got partner, got job etc) then that independence includes paying your own way through life.
You plan your family holiday to include dependents and then ask independent members of the family if they would like to join in but you only offer to pay for/towards their cost if you have the money to spare and agree that the offer should be made.
It'd be nice, in an ideal world, to pay for everything for everyone, forever, but realistically, you have to draw a line. 

Exodi

RowleyJim said:

It's simple enough really. Once you have all agreed that children have become independent (moved out, got partner, got job etc) then that independence includes paying your own way through life.
You plan your family holiday to include dependents and then ask independent members of the family if they would like to join in but you only offer to pay for/towards their cost if you have the money to spare and agree that the offer should be made.
It'd be nice, in an ideal world, to pay for everything for everyone, forever, but realistically, you have to draw a line. 

If you were a fledgling 20 year old who had just purchased their first house with their partner and is now beginning to make their way up the career ladder, would your first proper 'pay-for-it-all' holiday be:

a) a destination reflective of your financial situation, carefully selected by you and your partner for the particular experiences that you both enjoy.

b) a destination chosen by your stepmother, whereby the location, hotel, experiences, etc are all chosen for you and may be totally out of kilter with your personal financial situation/what you wanted from a holiday.

If I was her stepdaughters age and was paying for the holiday, I'd expect to have influence on the planning - I expect the stepdaughter would much rather spend her money on a cheap all inclusive couples holiday to Spain, Greece, Turkey, Morocco, Tunisia, etc.

It's also interesting that you qualify 'independent', the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So the 19 year old stepdaughter doesn't pay (because she doesn't have a job) but the 20 year old does?

What if the 19 year old decides to spend their life on benefits? What if in the future, her eldest stepdaughters job is deemed good enough to pay her own way, but her second eldest is on the breadline with a minimum wage job? Does the stepmother just become the arbiter of peoples financial situations?

Don't get me wrong, it would be a nice gesture by the 20 year old to offer to pay (if she really does have more money than she knows what to do with, like the OP suggests) but I think the starting point is - if the OP wants to the luxury of picking the holiday, they should expect to pay for it also.

Missi_xxx

My 2 daughters aged 20 and 23 know they have to pay their own way for future family holidays and have their own spending money. The earliest you can have these discussions the better. Best of luck