Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my eldest stepdaughter to go on holiday with us?

eao

19 and avoiding a family holiday like a rabid dog, rather sad. Our adult children are delighted to go with us.  This lady makes a very valid point though I would expect my children in the financial position indicated here to insist on paying their own way.  The partner, does he not really want to pay for himself, well, maybe not want to but not want to be seen as a parasite.
Final thought, if money is tight the father could borrow from his solvent daughter to pay for her and partner!

saajan_12

This is like inviting people to a dinner
- If you choose the date and restaurant, then its not unreasonable that you pay.
- If its a joint meal / holiday, with everyone discussing where and when to go, because you all want to do something together, then 'going Dutch' may work. 

You're not subsidising daughter or bf's other living costs or their other trips.. so its irrelevant whether they're old enough to support themselves. The question here is are you and husband inviting so that you can see all the family together, or is it a mutually convenient group holiday. 

johnj2000

If you have the disposable income available and want to treat your whole family to a holiday, then this is a nice thing to be able to do. If times are a bit tough or borderline tough then I would not be taking an independant adult on holiday with me without them paying their way. As my two grow up (16 and 19)   we are slowly moving them to the place where their expectations are aligned with ours. We are already talking to them about future holidays, that this year may be the last we will fully fund for the 19yr old (Uni so not earning much) it is our opinion that if you don't talk about it then they will continue to expect it, why wouldn't they unless they are educated otherwise.I think this is very true from @ bikaga said:

Like at least 3/4 of moral dilemmas here, this could be solved in 5 minutes if British people hadn't been told that having an open and honest conversation, especially about money, wasn't the done thing. In many places, people would just approach their kids and ask if they wanted to come and whether they could contribute something or everything towards the cost, and hey presto. Less misunderstanding, better awareness of each other's needs and constraints, nothing lost. But no, it's the UK, so you need to second-guess people and then get aggravated about what you think they think. Talk to them.

 

gardening_gertie

sounds like they could afford to pay their share, however they may have other holidays they would prefer, so probably you should have had a discussion with them beforehand. She is your husbands child so it should ultimately be his call as long as it's his money he's spending.

paperclips99

Personally I would approach the subject with them and just explain that you would love them to join you but now they are independent they need to start covering their own costs. I’m sure you could agree that some things you cover like outings when there or meals but they really should be contributing now. In our family we tend to cover the cost and our adult child and girlfriend pay us back but that is agreed before we book. As much as we would love to pay for them we just can’t. Not sure if that’s helpful or not for you. 

Ed264

The eldest might earn more than both of you, but as she has just bought her first house obviously she has her mortgage commitments and bills. You've not given any detail about her boyfriend i.e. if he is working and earning. If they are in a position to afford it, I say they should at least make a significant contribution. 

OwlishAgain

One other thing to add into the mix here as someone with a half-brother significantly younger than me - your 5 year old has a real chance for wonderful sibling relationships, and a holiday with those siblings she would otherwise see infrequently is a great opportunity. 

Sea_Shell

Maybe they'd rather not go on holiday with you, but feel that they can't turn down an offer (bribe😉) of a free holiday.

Would either of you be as happy to pay for them if they chose to use the money to holiday alone?

Bob_envy

I see the dilemma. Is there more dynamics at play here like who is earning the money in the household and who is therefore actually paying out for the holiday? And then perhaps also your individual perception of what your stance will be for your own child when she is a young adult vs what your husband’s is now and in the future. 

I think any young person in full time employment should be paying for themselves. 

I think too often children find spending money they didn’t earn is all too easy. 

Like others have said this is an important conversation probably about individual opinions on money and the values associated to the spending of it including; how it is earnt and spent and where financial independence should be expected of your children both, step and for your own child. 

I hope you resolve it and feel better with the agreement at the end. 

del3210

I think it’s nice of your spouse to want to pay for everyone but at some point you need to cut the purse strings and if they earn way more than you then if i were them i’d feel guilty having your spouse and yourself pay. Best to have the discussion on if they want to come but may have to contribute if they do but then they can’t afford it then you can still offer to pay but they could also see it as a get out of jail card so they don’t feel obligated to go with you and can do whatever they want instead.