Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my eldest stepdaughter to go on holiday with us?

[Deleted User]

You say 'we' have stepchildren, but surely they are not your husband's stepchildren, only yours?  They are too old to be treated like this, but, if they're the wrong sort, old enough to take advantage of a free holiday, even if they'd rather not be with the people offering it!  It isn't reasonable to pay for them, you should be teaching them independence, not, as this appears, buying them, and they ought to have enough self-respect not to accept. This feels like a guilt trip, does dad have reason to feel guilty?  

egdisco

Every year I am in the same situation (I am the son with my partner), and every year I offer to pay my share of the holiday to my parents. Each year they say no, it’s their treat, but if that changed I’d respect that. 

If you have already booked and expect it to be paid after, then that’s not right, but if you haven’t yet then having an open conversation will almost certainly lead to them offering to pay, or not come at all. 

Yvonned95

100% they should pay them for themselves, they clearly have the funds if they can buy a house and if she earns more than you guys it would wrong to let you guys pay in my opinion. They’re at an age where others shouldn’t be paying for them. Have they been asked about paying for it, they possibly might be quite happy to pay and don’t expect to be paid for this year and if not then sorry life is tough, you can’t get freebies forever, you pay your way! 

City_Girl_3

I would really resent my spouse telling me what I can and can’t spend money on, and assuming I was personally contributing enough to cover my “excess” I wouldn’t even entertain his point of view. I’ve worked hard for my financial independence - so if I want to spoil my children, that’s what I’ll do.  

Now, if he was largely funding the holiday, I might not take such a rigid view. I don’t think the higher earner in a relationship should be the decision maker, but I probably wouldn’t have the means to fund the children’s holiday myself so it would have to be by agreement. 

I don’t think it matters how much the daughter earns. Clearly your partner is a generous parent and just wants to have a nice family holiday with his ENTIRE  family. And I don’t blame him one bit. I hope to be financially secure enough when my children are grown to be able to show them that generosity as well, even if they are multi millionaires.  

One last thought: I’ve learned through loss that some of the greatest memories I have of my father are the times we spent together while travelling. Those times, and not all the gadgets and physical things, were the greatest gifts he ever gave me.  I wouldn’t want to take those moments away from anyone else. 

amangons

Ok, here's my idea.

I grew up with no family, but seen lots, especially of other families and how they all function.

All kids go free, but the boyfriend pays, or at least outs a good chunk in.

This should be one last big family holiday. One where all the kids go for the last time.

The boy, is soon gonna be at college, then uni, the middle one will soon want to fly and do her own thing, and the eldest of she's just bought her first home, be a nice treat for one last go.

Then any holidays afterwards is just your joint child n you.

If you force the issue with dad, he will go behind your back anyways ... it his little girl whatever age she is.

By doing it one last time, and making it clear, it's just that, one last time time as family until things change.

That way, dad is happy, all kids are happy, and you're happy cos it's been announced, it's the last time as a full family.

If necessary downgrade to 4 stars instead of full on treat 5stars or whatever. This'll reduce the cost significantly, while not actually lowing your standards by much.

Personally I haven't had a single holiday since 1985. Any time I went abroad in the 90s was to do work for someone.

So enjoy the last time as a family unit you're all together.

Make the bf pay, or at least make a good contribution.... pay for a couple of the excursions, or whatever. I'm sure you'll find something he can pay for for the family ... plus (a big plus) you're not saying he can't come along, just he has to help out with some costs. 

If eldest is that well paid, she'll pay anyways, if he can't... that's their problem!

hannerrbabes

The eldest daughter earns more than both you and your husband combined? Either she earns a fortune or you two earn very little. 

I'm not sure why any of the older kids would want to come on holiday with their dad, stepmum and 5 year old sibling. 

Putting myself in the eldest daughter's boyfriend's shoes, I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable going on a holiday that my girlfriend's dad has paid for.

stroppymare

The way I feel is that if I’m the one who wants them to come on holiday , where we can spend time together as a family, away from the hustle of everyday life then I pay.
Leaves them to do their own thing with their own money if they want to.

chelseagirl188

Just ask the question… like others have said before me they may prefer to make their own choices.

on the other hand frugal win needs taking down a peg or two.  It is not so easy to be a second wife and cope with someone else’s children odious or otherwise.  

Eatsruns

What does the 20 year old do that brings in so much money? I earn more than my mum does but that's because she's retired (in theory... I should say she is a pensioner because she has a part time job in a library that she loves). Of course she has no mortgage and owns a second property that she rents out... I moved house last year and have a large mortgage to pay. So when we go on holiday she pays. But she also gets to decide where we go and what we do. If I had to pay for my own holiday it wouldn't involve sitting on a coach for 9 days which is what we are doing next week! But I'm doing it to spend time with my mum. 

gloriouslyhappy

You need to decide - are you having a last family holiday with all four children together, plus boyfriend? Then you organise and pay for it and they go where you want. Any self-respecting boyfriend of working age would offer a contribution or at least treat you to dinner during the holiday.

If you want the eldest now home-owning child and her boyfriend to pay, then you need to involve them in the decision making process. 

But first you need to talk to your husband and establish what he’s trying to achieve - last big family holiday before everyone starts doing their own thing and going off with mates, or is this a new tradition where he’s going to treat all his children and their partners every year? If that’s the case, you’ll just have to accept it, and only pay for yourself and your own bio child from your joint household finances, and let him cover the cost of your stepchildren from his personal savings.