Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my eldest stepdaughter to go on holiday with us?

Alex_71787

Someone who is 20 and can afford to buy a house is indeed a fortunate person. Perhaps it is she who should be offering to pay for you?

CrazyNanny

If my children were older and wanted to come on holiday with me, I would happily pay but they wouldn't. 
I am wondering if your stepdaughter and partner would rather be on their own but don't want to offend anyone. With regards to payment for the holiday I believe it's good for children to learn to pay their way, especially if they earn more than you do. I would definitely not pay for anyone that was not my family, that's madness in this current climate. 
If it's going to cause friction then I'd leave the kids with relatives and go with my husband, or skip the holiday. 

JaneHenery

frugalwin said:

It’s not surprising that your husband disagrees with you. You’re essentially telling your husband he can’t take his daughter on holiday. Chances are, if the young couple have to pay for a holiday they would pay for one they chose rather than the one you’ve chosen, so no more father daughter holiday moments for them (and within a few years the other children too). Stay in your lane and let your husband make the decision if he’s in gainful employment. His children have been in his life a lot longer than you have, push too hard and you may find he loves them more than he loves you.

His daughter is an ADULT, an adult who is earning and has her own home. When, exactly, do you imagine children are grown up, forty-two? If the father wanted to treat his eldest child as a specific gift, that would be different, but the discussion here is simply about habit, 'tradition' and like lots of traditions it needs to at the very least be questioned. And your odd quasi-threatening talk about how the OP is trying to come between her husband and his children, and that he will ditch her if she doesn't toe the line, speaks volumes about your personal history/behaviour rather than their problems. 

JaneHenery

Of course they should pay. There's no question of poverty or need here and the girl is a fully-grown adult. It's behaviour like this that produces entitled adults who expect everyone to do everything for them. People can't complain about the young's sense of entitlement nowadays then keep buying them holidays until they are forty. 

jah1990

It’s a difficult dilemma for you and your husband.  He obviously doesn’t want to leave his eldest daughter out but she shouldn’t expect you both to pay for her and her boyfriend especially as they are living independently.  I would think that the boyfriend should pay the full cost for his and if you pay for your stepdaughter then she needs to take her own spending money.  Also you should discuss with your husband that this should be the last holiday that you will be paying for as they have to learn that holidays are a treat not a given. 

Rosa_Damascena

Holidays are overrated, are environmentally unfriendly and lead to arguments - in this case before you have even left home!

The time and money is better spent on treats at home / hosting others / doing the house up. MSE 

dobbiesloan

She should be paying for you.

frugalwin

JaneHenery said:

frugalwin said:

It’s not surprising that your husband disagrees with you. You’re essentially telling your husband he can’t take his daughter on holiday. Chances are, if the young couple have to pay for a holiday they would pay for one they chose rather than the one you’ve chosen, so no more father daughter holiday moments for them (and within a few years the other children too). Stay in your lane and let your husband make the decision if he’s in gainful employment. His children have been in his life a lot longer than you have, push too hard and you may find he loves them more than he loves you.

His daughter is an ADULT, an adult who is earning and has her own home. When, exactly, do you imagine children are grown up, forty-two? If the father wanted to treat his eldest child as a specific gift, that would be different, but the discussion here is simply about habit, 'tradition' and like lots of traditions it needs to at the very least be questioned. And your odd quasi-threatening talk about how the OP is trying to come between her husband and his children, and that he will ditch her if she doesn't toe the line, speaks volumes about your personal history/behaviour rather than their problems. 

The dilemma is that one parent wants to pay, the step parent doesn’t. Whether or not the daughter is able to pay is largely irrelevant, this is about the financial freedom of each parent.

If the parent is earning sufficient money or has sufficient savings to treat all of their children to a holiday, in my opinion this is something they have every right to do - in any family arrangement. The spouse can disagree, but at the end of the day we are all free to make our own decisions. If the tables were turned and it was a man trying to control the financial actions of a woman, would people feel the same way?

Regarding the talk you consider “quasi-threatening”, I would consider it more cautionary. If the OP gets her way and the daughter elects not to come due to the expense, resentment could build as the father feels he is missing out on precious moments he can never get back. Nobody likes feeling like someone else is in control of their decisions. Partners should enable each other to live their best lives together, not restrict each other’s freedoms.

primrose_penguin

First of all you need to ask the oldest daughter if her and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with you this year, they may prefer to go away on their own. Your husband probably feels he wants to treat all of them the same and as he is paying for the others he doesn't want to discriminate against his eldest daughter, but if she can afford to buy her own property and earns more than you both do, then I don't see any harm in her contributing, and her boyfriend, if he is coming, paying for himself, after all how many more years can you keep paying to take everyone on holiday. However this problem may sort itself out if his eldest daughter and boyfriend want to go away on their own. I suggest you talk to them and your husband, but be careful he obviously wants to treat them all the same.

MACKEM99

I stopped being a child when I left home at 16 to join the armed forces and have paid my own way since ..parents certainly did Not have the money to subsidise me despite me being what is called a baby boomer.  Everything I have I have worked for and paid for myself.