Money Moral Dilemma: Should we pay for my eldest stepdaughter to go on holiday with us?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I live with my husband and our five-year-old daughter, and we have a 16-year-old stepson who lives with us a couple of days a week, a 19-year-old stepdaughter at university and a 20-year-old stepdaughter who has just bought her first home. Last time we went away, we paid for them all, including the eldest's boyfriend. For our next holiday, my husband and I disagree about whether the eldest and her boyfriend should now pay for themselves or at least contribute. My stance is that they should pay, especially in the current economic situation, as she earns more than us put together.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

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Newly_retired

If the holiday has already been booked, I would hope that the cost has already been discussed. If not, assumptions will probably have been made, based on last year.

If this is future planned holiday, not yet booked,  it is a big assumption that the couple with want to come with you, especially now she has bought her ( their? ) first home. A conversation is needed before the holiday is booked. 

Every family will have its own view on how long young adults are still supported, but in my opinion, for what it's worth, is that once they are working, or moved out and living with someone in a relationship,  they stand on their own feet. Of course that doesn't stop a parent being generous, but in this case, as the step-daughter earns plenty, she can afford her own holiday.

Skiddaw1

I'd start with the assumption that she and her boyfriend would probably prefer to do their own thing anyway. I'd not be surprised if the 19 year old stepdaughter would also prefer to be off doing something with her peers. Putting myself in their respective shoes when I was their age I know I'd have avoided a big family holiday like a rabid dog!

cazzieverina

If she earns more than you & your husband combined of course she should pay for herself! (My god what is her job as a 20 year old?????) It's a no brained!

louloo22

You need to ask do they want to come and tell them the cost. Explain you can't pay for everyone this year. 
I've paid towards my older kids holidays in the past as I've known they didn't have it. But if they have the money who shouldn't they pay?

frugalwin

It’s not surprising that your husband disagrees with you. You’re essentially telling your husband he can’t take his daughter on holiday. Chances are, if the young couple have to pay for a holiday they would pay for one they chose rather than the one you’ve chosen, so no more father daughter holiday moments for them (and within a few years the other children too). Stay in your lane and let your husband make the decision if he’s in gainful employment. His children have been in his life a lot longer than you have, push too hard and you may find he loves them more than he loves you.

boomboomboom

I’d say your dilemma is actually between you and your partner and not the various siblings.

What we all think doesn’t matter.

You need advice on how to have a discussion with your partner.

There is clearly something about your partners point of view that we are not privy to.

For example, perhaps your disposable income is higher than the sibling.

Isn’t this like people that phone into day time TV asking the TV doctor for advice when actually what the person needs to do is simply speak to their doctor.

If you are I able to have a sensible conversation with your partner I’d suggest you both start with a for and against list and work from there.

Good luck.

bikaga

Like at least 3/4 of moral dilemmas here, this could be solved in 5 minutes if British people hadn't been told that having an open and honest conversation, especially about money, wasn't the done thing. In many places, people would just approach their kids and ask if they wanted to come and whether they could contribute something or everything towards the cost, and hey presto. Less misunderstanding, better awareness of each other's needs and constraints, nothing lost. But no, it's the UK, so you need to second-guess people and then get aggravated about what you think they think. Talk to them.

soniasimmo

Well if I offered my adult children a free holiday they would snap my hand off despite having to spend time with us.  Unfortunately that aint happening!  In my opinion when they reach 18 and have become independent people they should pay their own way ( maybe sometimes with a little assistance) the sooner they learn how expensive it is to go on a nice holiday they may appreciate how lucky they have been in the past.

retired19

Talk to all the adults involved. They maybe offspring but they are adults and need to be involved in honest decision making. Is it just pride that stands in the way of honesty about your financial situation?

beadjoux

MSE_Sarah said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I live with my husband and our five-year-old daughter, and we have a 16-year-old stepson who lives with us a couple of days a week, a 19-year-old stepdaughter at university and a 20-year-old stepdaughter who has just bought her first home. Last time we went away, we paid for them all, including the eldest's boyfriend. For our next holiday, my husband and I disagree about whether the eldest and her boyfriend should now pay for themselves or at least contribute. My stance is that they should pay, especially in the current economic situation, as she earns more than us put together.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

 If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
 Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If they are living independently, they should pay independently, particularly if they are earning more than your household.