Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?



  • newbs68
    newbs68 Forumite Posts: 26
    Part of the Furniture 10 Posts Combo Breaker PPI Party Pooper
    Defo not. Your funeral, your choice. After all you are being thoughtful enough to pay in advance rather than leave them to pay for it. If child 3 wants to pay, let them. Otherwise you should explain that they should honour YOUR wishes, rather than their own.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Forumite Posts: 12,145
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I agree with others that by the time of your funeral you are dead - so of course they are for other people.  But they are for other people who knew you - and it wouldn't really be you they are remembering if it was done in ways which are totally against your personality. 
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • tindella
    tindella Forumite Posts: 106
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    Do what you feel is right for you - your wishes should be respected by everyone.  The one who is dissenting can always arrange a memorial service after you are gone.
  • munge
    munge Forumite Posts: 1
    First Post
    I've been having thos debate myself because I've been sadly attending a lot of funerals lately and I've come up with the following plan.
    Direct cremation
    Nice box for ashes (or they put u in a carrier bag in a cardboard box)
    Church services with ashes and ashes burial. This is for family. There is a need to say goodbye to enable you to mentally start clearing things but not with an expensive coffin or cars and all that stuff.
  • Malthusian
    Malthusian Forumite Posts: 10,755
    Eighth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    BooJewels said:
    For me, arranging a 'funeral' for a departed loved one is the last tangible act you undertake for them. So doing so in the manner they preferred is not selfish on their part or 'main character syndrome' - it's showing them respect and doing that last one thing for them how they wanted. 
    True, but that's a different dilemma, because you're writing from the perspective of one of the children after the parent has died and set their final wishes in stone. In this dilemma the parent is alive and asking for advice on what their final wishes should be.
    A child following the wishes of the MCS sufferer is not suffering from MCS themselves. But sticking to the wishes of the deceased means causing distress to a living sibling, who will be upset if no funeral is held. Someone's wishes have to be ignored, the question is whose, and there is no right or wrong answer IMO once that conflict has been created.
    The problem could have been avoided entirely if the deceased had told their children to do whatever they felt best.
    The scenario would be different if the third child's conflicting wish was unreasonable (e.g. they want the estate to pay for a solid gold coffin or follow some bonkers ritual for a religion that the parent doesn't belong to). In that case it would be the third child causing the issue. However, their wish is simply to have some sort of service, which is not only reasonable but almost universal. Even non-human animals have funerary rituals. If the parent changed their plan to "have a funeral", children 1 and 2 would almost certainly go along with it and everybody would be in harmony. 
    If the dilemma was "My mum wants a non-attended cremation, my siblings want to go along with it but I'm upset because it feels like I won't be able to say goodbye properly", my response would be "Respect your parent's wishes, because you can't change them, and think about organising a memorial when the time comes". (Wise man say happiness comes from the ability to accept what you can't control, change what you can control, and tell the difference between them.) But in this case it's the parent asking for opinions.
  • mjderrick
    mjderrick Forumite Posts: 4
    Part of the Furniture First Post Combo Breaker
    You won't be there so let them organise it and pay for it out of their inheritance!
  • Brie
    Brie Forumite Posts: 8,288
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    I was surprised that there wasn't a funeral for my dad.  But there was a great party.  And that's what he would have wanted.  Well - I called it a party.  Others were calling it a wake and others a memorial service.  It was still emotional but a very good event and there wasn't a vicar in sight.  Oldest sibling did a little chat and people added lots of nice things they remembered.  Nothing more required in my opinion.

    So I say you pay for the basics and if the kids want something more when you go then it's up to them to organise it.  And if only one of them wants something then that one can foot the bill.
    "Never retract, never explain, never apologise; get things done and let them howl.”

    2023 £1 a day  £553.26/365
  • dullas
    dullas Forumite Posts: 1
    First Post
    Hello. I work as an Independent Celebrant (so the content of my services can incorporate no faith, faith, mixed faith....basically whatever the person wants. It's about their beliefs not mine after all!)

    Anyhoo, I am finding that people often want to plan their funerals. Not with any particular health issues in mind, more to 'get organised' 

    If you want a direct/unattended cremation, I'd suggest using your local funeral director rather than one of the big companies that seem to advertise on daytime telly. 

    Once that is sorted, your children could have a Celebration of Life or Memorial service. This can incorporate whatever elements are wanted...favourite music, poems, readings, memory sharing, a Hokey Cokey if you so wish! Unlike the Crematorium, there are no time, day or location constraints. It can include an ash scattering or burial too. It would be totally personal.

    Thats my two pennies worth anyway. Humans like a chance to come together to say goodbye generally.  But it doesn't have to be traditional in any way

    Kate x
  • Cassy20
    Cassy20 Forumite Posts: 1
    First Post
    In my opinion it will be your funeral and it is absolutely your choice as to what you want to happen.  Acknowledge the feelings of your child who is not happy but stick to what you want to do.
  • Linton
    Linton Forumite Posts: 16,850
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Hung up my suit!
    In my view you should leave the choice of your funeral arrangements to your children who will decide what they think is appropriate.  You will be dead and so in no position to care about it.  I do not believe you can prevent them doing what they want anyway. 
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