Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

Ehseef

I’m an independent funeral celebrant and know from experience that this type of situation crops up much more than you might think and, sadly, can tear families apart. I’m sure the OP doesn’t want that for his/her children.

Studies show that, for most of us, whether we’re religious or not, some kind of formalised event after bereavement really helps us process our grief - perhaps the child who wants a funeral is aware of that. Knowing what I know, I certainly wouldn’t leave my kids without an option to mourn.

There are many more options now - it doesn’t have to be a traditional funeral. I’d recommend searching online for The Institute of Civil Funerals, selecting ‘Find a Celebrant’ and look for celebrants in the area who can meet everyone and help find a compromise by planning the event now. I know that sounds morbid but people who do it say they find it both comforting and life-affirming. And it means the OP can have a full discussion with the children and find out what’s at the root of their differing opinions.

Personally, I’d never pay for a funeral plan. It’s a business model that does a lot more for the business than for the user. Instead, I’ve put money into a savings account that is specifically earmarked for my funeral. I’ve left recommendations for my kids about what that should look like to help them grieve (I hope they grieve!!!) but with plenty of bits left to them to decide as they see fit. 

melwa30

HI. NOT SHOUTING > VISION IMPAIRED.
AS PER THE MAJORITY YOU DECIDE, YOUR CHILD SHOULD RESPECT YOUR WISHES, THERE,S NO SUCH THING AS "ENTITLEMENT".
LIKE OTHERS, I ASSUME IT,S YOUR DAUGHTER BUT PERHAPS THE REASON IS BECAUSE SHE FEELS THE NEED TO EXPRESS AN INCONSOLABLE LOSS, THAT DESPITE IT,S INEVITABILITY, IS TOO DIFFICULT.
NO ONE CAN EXPRESS AFFECTION, FEELINGS, LOSS, ANYTHING FOR THE DEPARTED, IT,S TOO LATE,YOU CAN  ONLY DO THAT TO THE LIVING, SO THE CEREMONY IS SOLEY FOR THE LIVING, PERHAPS YOU SHOULD DISCUSS THE REASONS AND HOPEFULLY RESOLVE THE ISSUE.
I,M 76 AND STILL MISS MY GRANDAD.
ALL THE BEST.

Savagirl56

Having just lost both my father and father in law in the space of 3 weeks, this is very relevant to me. Fil decided he wanted one of these direct funerals. Always a thrifty person, I think he thought it ridiculous to waste money on a funeral and left instructions to that effect. Children could have paid but respected his wishes but the result of this was that there seemed to be no proper 'closure' and it has caused a bit of family unease, that continues to rumble on. For myself I've always also thought I wouldn't care about a funeral, however after losing my own father, I realised that the funeral is most definitely for those left behind and aids in the grieving process. If the OP doesn't want to pay for their own funeral fair enough, but please don't dictate what your loved ones can do once you are not there. 

malicat

We had been told by my partners father that he wanted a non attended cremation so when he passed last year we stuck by his wishes. Agree that funerals are for the living so there is the option of these cremations to be attended. It is actually cheaper for relatives to arrange after the death than to pre-pay for these. 

Nona16

I feel the same, I don’t want a funeral either. You could leave some money for all your family to have a celebration of your life get together instead. They can say their goodbyes then. 

[Deleted User]

Loved ones consider each others wishes, all you can do is let your family know yours, and hope they respect you enough to honour them, but what will you care?  They'll have to agree when you are beyond being involved.  Even if you make funeral arrangements your family are not obliged to accept them.

Littledaler

Flipflop13 and FrugalThrills are on the right side of this dilemma - which is not, in fact, a dilemma - because everyone has the right to decide on their "final journey" and it's outrageous that some Forumites are castigating the person who posted this for not arranging and paying for a funeral service they don't want or believe in.  If the family (the selfish child in particular) wants a gathering of family and friends, they can arrange a "Memorial" or "Celebration of Life" themselves - and pay for it themselves.

[Deleted User]

I'm of the opinion that if , as some are saying,the service is "for the living not the deceased " then the living should be the ones to pay for it. 

If you wish to leave something towards a memorial service or wake do so, but not if it means spending money you would rather use for, say. having a nice dinner out with your children while you are ALL able to enjoy it together.

Saying a "proper goodbye" often doesn't happen till long after any funeral, it can take years before one is able to do it.

The one thing I would say, is that having somewhere to 'go to', not nec' a grave, could be a  garden of remembrance at the crematorium or just a favourite place that means something to you all is a good idea. That way saying the 'goodbye' when family are all ready is an option, however long it takes. 

[Deleted User]

There's also the thought that you should really tell the children what you want to happen with the ashes, sevice  or no service, one might want to keep them indefinitely, another might want them scattered in a particular place etc, best to head off anything that they could fall out over now? 

SadieO

Purbeck14 said:

There's also the thought that you should really tell the children what you want to happen with the ashes, sevice  or no service, one might want to keep them indefinitely, another might want them scattered in a particular place etc, best to head off anything that they could fall out over now? 

We had this difficulty with my late mother in law. Not that anyone was falling out, just that no-one, including father in law, could decide. It ended up being about a year after her passing that we scattered them. It was difficult as we didn't feel "closure" or whatever it is funerals are supposed to provide, as we knew that was still to be done. But of course we didn't want to rush FiL, so we just felt a bit in limbo. 

We also had an issue where MiL had apparently mentioned said something to one of her kids about something that she wanted at her funeral, that they then were adamant needed to happen (understandably). But she hadn't said it to anyone else, not even FiL, and to be honest it might have just been something she said in passing, ages ago. But it caused a lot of stress putting it in place and we weren't even 100% sure it was something she really wanted or if it was just a random thought she had once, and might have even immediately forgot it herself! So OP, please do make sure you are clear with your kids if there is anything you want or don't want. Whether they go ahead with it is another question, but if they chose to do so, or not, let that not be due to confusion about what your wishes were!