Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

MikeJXE

15 years ago I went to my brothers funeral and it was amazing, so much so I prepaid for my own and my wife's funeral

My wife died 11 years ago and although there was nothing to pay it wasn't so amazing so I guess it's down to the ones who are left behind to make it so

I have a full funeral also but I will be dead but I will give my kids the option to alter it as they see fit 

Groom

When my aunt died aged 100, she'd asked for a non attended cremation. We had a church service and then the coffin was taken off in the hearse to the crematorium while we all went on to the wake. It did feel very strange and I know her children found it hard to watch the hearse drive away. The living need closure and I expect that is what your child is worried about. Perhaps talk it over and ask what their objection is. As suggested earlier, plan and pay for the funeral now but ask if it can be changed if your relatives feel they need to. At least that way you will have fixed the price and it will be up to them if they want to use some of their inheritance in that way. 

VillageIdiot

What does "fine with it'" mean? Do the two really prefer a Direct Cremation, or would they simply go along with either. How about not paying for it now, then at the time each offspring pays one third of a Direct Cremation, and those wanting more pay the extra cost? Seems to me that the "odd-one-out" should not expect the other siblings to fund their different desires. It does need addressing now, rather than on-the-day. If the cost will come out of the enquirer's estate, then perhaps the piper calls the tune. Would it be a traditional funeral, but with only three, or fewer, attendees?

Topsinger

My parents bought funeral plans over 10 years ago, mostly because they spent 50% of the time at their home in Spain and the plans covered making arrangements in either Spain or UK. They paid enough to cover a conventional funeral but when mum was given a terminal diagnosis she made it known she didn’t want a service at the crematorium, just that we should do something when interring her ashes in the pre purchased plot. She had a number of reasons for her decision which I understood. Unfortunately my dad went against her wishes & arranged a full service conducted by a celebrant & attended by 3 people. I wasn’t told until 2 weeks after the event. I was upset but have had to look at it from his point of view & accept his need for what he feels was a proper way to say goodbye.

ripongrammargirl

I would never pay for a funeral up front as so many companies have gone bust taking your cash with them. A funeral is however you want it to be. If you are a Christian, like me, then it’s whatever you want except the Bible does say “let the living live, as the dead will take care of themself”. I can’t understand throwing all that money away though (like OTT weddings) as if the child wants to say goodbye then isn’t it better to do that before you depart? You don’t need to pay a fortune to go and wail in a room somewhere whilst an unknown person (most often) holding the service says things about you despite not knowing you and relatives give plaudits even if they thought you were the worst person!! Hypocritical. I am a Christian but I have no friends and my immediate family treat me as a non- entity so I’ve given up on them, plus I am the youngest so will probably be the last to depart with nobody to wave me off. Personally they can stick me in a cardboard box and throw me off Whitby pier as fish food. I’m dead, so won’t know and don’t really care. Even thought about donating myself to science but even they don’t want me as already enquired. Useless in life and death, it seems. Pity really as I have so many medical problems I am an ideal specimen! But, each to his own!
PS: please, nobody be “offended” by my comments about myself as it’s only my opinion so take it or leave it but don’t remove it by complaining. Thank you and I hope you get it sorted to appease everyone and your own pocket!!!

LP53

Stick with your plan it maybe all you can afford and there maybe no money to leave the children so any other option would have to come out their pocket and explain they can have their own service and scatter ashes and  It will be more personal. 

OlderAndWiser2

Grief counsellor here.

The rituals are a really important part of the process and I feel uneasy about the current popularity of companies who'll cart people off and return a sanitised box of ashes.

It's understandable to try and distance ourselves from the facts and also to be cost conscious but there's a lot to be said for the ultimate helpfulness towards acceptance of going through the discomfort of sitting in the room in full awareness you loved one's body is on the other side of the wood/wicker/cardboard box.

*live long & prosper*

Dr_V

I attend funerals to show respect to the living, but feel that the same respect can be shown without the faff of a funeral. However, sometimes funerals do allow reconnection to old friends or distant relatives.
Personally, I would go without the ceremony. If one of the three children wants it then that one can arrange and pay for it.

sassygal514

I’m so shocked at people saying weddings and funerals are about the attendees not the person - I’m afraid I’m my view both are entirely about me.  As it was my wedding and I couldn’t have cared less if anyone attended (there were only 10 of us anyway which was perfect) my funeral is mine!  

I would tell your third child that you will be paying for a direct cremation and that when the estate is settled between them, they are welcome to use their third to throw a party/wake afterwards; I don’t see that their siblings should lose out on inheritance because of them.  That’s what I would do.  

Being only in my 40s and having already sat through the cremation of both of my parents, both difficult and incredibly sad days, I wish these plans had been available when they died as I would rather not have gone through it. My great uncle died recently and I arranged one of these for him, then we had his ashes interred and went out for dinner.  We talked/laughed about him and looked at pictures - it was far less devastatingly sad than watching a coffin disappear behind a curtain. 

Marvel1

They want it then they they can pay for it or out of their share and not from the other 2.