Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

elsien

It is possible for the OP to have their preferred nonattended funeral, and then for the family to do a stonking great wake to remember them by afterwards.


Funerals are about drawing a line and saying goodbye. There are other ways of doing that.

Ed264

A friend of mine passed away last year and when I asked when the funeral was I was told it was a simple cremation. I was not happy about being unable to attend. I'm sure your family & friends would all like to pay their respects. My opinion - have a proper send-off, even if it costs more. I have to say that I'm not impressed with all these tv ads for basic funerals.

JaneHenery

Ron246235 said:

If it is all the same to you but the idea of no funeral makes your third child upset, then I would say the sensible thing is to have a funeral. And if you don't mind paying for it, or you like the idea of the expense being dealt with in advance, then it would be sensible for you to pay for it.

I don't agree with Malthusian and annabanana82. Who a funeral is "for" or "about" depends on your religious views. In Christianity it is for the deceased person. For people with no religion, perhaps you could say it is for the living but about the deceased. Either way, it is easy to understand any child's wish that their parent should have a funeral. 

Even in death we still have to ignore our own wishes and do things for other people? I don't think so. It would be perfectly easy for the OP's child to have a private 'funeral' all for themselves, or with the family attending. They don't need to watch a very expensive box sink into the floor or behind a curtain to do that. 

2Scratters

This is my thoughts on what I want and only having 1 child he was not impressed about my wishes. I have done most serious business things for him why would we leave him with this? His response was what about him? I said you would have some extra money to spend on what you want he said he was not talking about it and cleared the phone on me
It's my funeral and I certainly don't all the fuss nor the potential embarrassment of no one attending. I am happy for a celebration of life to happen. 

Katecooks

Our local funeral director offers something in-between the two; a 10- minutes at the crematorium with music of choice and a maximum of 8 attendees. It's the option we choose for my Dad as he was the last man standing in his generation (all his friends died before him and all relatives in the same age group), so it was just immediate family (without spouses/partners). Cost about half the price of a full funeral (although it wasn't entirely about money, just seemed pointless to have a full service with only a handful of people. We then had a gathering with a few neighbours etc (who were too elderly/frail to travel to a service). One of the issues with Direct Cremation is that you don't get a time when it actually takes place (you only know on which day). For some it's not enough 'closure'. My Mum died at the beginning of Covid with a restricted and very short funeral - for me it wasn't enough of a 'proper goodbye'. Don't deprive your daughter. As others have said, express your wishes, make sure there are sufficient funds and leave them to make the decision. Unless you have been told you only have a short time to live, you don't know who will be left to attend your funeral....

fern37

I've bought a cremation without ceremony as it is what I want. 

I don't want friends travelling long distance for a funeral that lasts a couple of hours. None of them mix in the same social groups so I'd rather keep their costs down. Remember me with a candle or donate to charity. 

My family don't bother with me whilst I am alive so I don't want them there when I am dead! If they want to shed crocodile tears, they can pay for it themselves. I have stipulated in my will that if they want a ceremony, they can pay for it themselves. Harsh but fair.

Funerals can be expensive. I've pre-paid mine so I can have what I want. I'm on benefits but if I had someone who was left to arrange it, my estate won't cover it. I have some life insurance cover but I also have pre-existing conditions so there will surely be an argument on my cause of death if the insurers can link it to a pre-existing condition. If my dependants earn, they can't claim for any help with funeral costs. I wouldn't want to burden them with the cost. 

Some funerals are for show! Why lumber the family with that if they can't afford it. 

Mojisola

neilmorgan said:

How do you other children truly feel about it?

This is important.  If there is any chance that the siblings could end up rowing over the funeral arrangements, it may be better to stipulate your wishes and ask that they are respected by your executors.

People don't always behave in their usual way while they are dealing with their emotions after a death and it would be a shame for this to cause a rift in the family.

Bulldog1

Suggest to the third child, who wants a full blown funeral, to top up what you are prepared to prepay for a simple cremation. Leave the ball firmly in their court and see if they are still insistent.

daivid

The original post doesn’t make it clear to me if the person is out and out against a traditional funeral or just thinks it is pointless. If the former I think they should consider their reasons and stick to their decision if they so wish, if they just think it’s a bit of a faff etc then but don’t feel much stronger then that then considering the wishes of close family seems right.

gbleakley

Interesting variations in views. All entitled to their own. When it’s my turn to go it’s my funeral and I’m making it clear I want no fuss, no religious element to it and I want my music!  ‘Unattended’ but with the option for a family group to say goodbye!  And I’ll pay in advance.