Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

Marvel1

If i knew my wishes about a funeral were going to be ignored, i would assume the same about a will and save my monet and not bother.

micadog

It should be your wishes and not that of your daughter.  As your family they should honour your wishes.  If one of them wants to have a ceremony to say goodbye then they can arrange a private one in their local church or have one of their own in a special place for instance.  You pay for what you want not what other people want.  Maybe after the cremation the children could get together in a special place and scatter the ashes or bury them (with permission).  If you want to make sure your wishes are upheld then make a solicitor your executor.  Incidentally, I believe the funeral is an event arranged in accordance with the deceased's wishes.  Not what anyone else wants as it is not about them.

Malthusian

Me: "When planning a social occasion it's good to think about the people who will actually be attending it."

People with Main Character Syndrome: "No no no it's all about me. Even when I no longer exist it will still be all about me. How selfish to say I should think of other people!"

Chris_Jay

This is a difficult one, and highly subjective.
My view, for what it's worth, is that the OP has absolute say in the arrangements, as it's the final decision any of us can make.

After my father died, I had the unhappy task of organising everything, plus clearing out his council bungalow in a week, to hand his keys back to the local authority. He died broke, with no Will, and only me to do it all. He never told me about his financial situation/mess, so please don't jump on me for neglect! We were many miles apart.
Once it was all done, I had a Will made, and paid for my funeral with a very -known company, so that my children wouldn't have to go through that, especially as my oldest child lived in Australia.
I wish I had known that I could have a basic cremation! I'd far rather have that, and the party to follow, maybe at a later date.
My oldest friend died in January this year. She didn't want a standard funeral, so had a direct to crematorium, and her children are planning a party in the summer, for her friends and family, and I think it's a great idea. The friends are all getting on a bit, and many, including me, live quite a distance away, and not everyone can travel at short notice.

There's a lot of emphasis on inheritance in some of the responses to the OP's question, which I feel forgets that not everyone owns property, or has money, to leave to any family, and so far, only one person has mentioned that as a possibility that's just as likely as the OP having much, or anything, to leave.

The details I've shared are simply for context, to explain my feelings. They're not to say that mine are right, just that they're mine.
My ride, my rules.

honestcove

The Covid world of the last few years has shown us that attended events at a non-flexible time mean that some can’t attend.
If your wishes are firm, then your children should all honour these.
You could specify an amount of money in your will (say equivalent to the saving over an attended cremation) to be used for a separate memorial event(s).

gloriouslyhappy

I’m a body donor so there won’t be a funeral. Any leftover bits will be cremated and disposed of by the donor organisation. I’ve requested friends and family who wish to remember me get together at a convenient date after my death and have a party - drink champagne and play a specific piece of music. I’ve left a small sum of money to cover the champagne. That’s it. No fuss no bother no ridiculous religious mumbo jumbo. And no one can change anything, it’s all out of their hands.

BooJewels

For me, arranging a 'funeral' for a departed loved one is the last tangible act you undertake for them. So doing so in the manner they preferred is not selfish on their part or 'main character syndrome' - it's showing them respect and doing that last one thing for them how they wanted.  I think the departed have to know and trust that you will honour their wishes, whether that be the funeral arrangement or executing the content of their will, where you will scatter them, who you will give trinkets to and how you treat their friends etc.  I just cannot conceive of doing anything the deceased wouldn't have wanted.  If you love someone, you honour their wishes, regardless of your own views.

I've unfortunately had to arrange several funerals in the last 3 or 4 years and each one has been done in line with their expressed wishes - even when some aspect of it maybe wasn't what I would have chosen for them if given free rein.  The choice simply wasn't mine to make.  Some have been full, well attended services, some direct cremations.  I can't think that as someone grieving those losses, I feel any different about any of them.  But I do feel comfortable that I did what they wanted and did them justice.  The only one I have any discomfort with was my father's, which I couldn't attend in person due to Covid lockdown.  The idea of which is abhorrent to me and I'll ever quite get to grips with.

KxMx

Personally I'm all for respecting the wishes of the deceased. 

Bishi

I lost my auntie suddenly last year and, due to her having a controlling and abusive husband, nobody found out about her death until she was already cremated. Before this experience I think I would have been more on the side of the person whose funeral it is to be, but having suffered recurring dreams in which my auntie's still alive, only to wake up and remember she's gone, it seems to me now that there really is something important about being given the opportunity to say goodbye at a funeral. I know my mother feels the same. Obviously this situation is (hopefully!) not going to be completely analogous but I would say that if one of your children expects a funeral to mean a lot to them, then it is something you should strongly consider despite your inclinations. 

oracleofknowledge

If you have decided that you don’t want the traditional funeral service and are planning to buy a non attendance cremation then your wishes should be respected and if necessary put in your will.  However, loved ones may still need to have some way of saying goodbye and perhaps they could have a private memorial service after your cremation followed by a wake, or if your ashes are being scattered or buried then some kind of remembrance could be organised by the family which will help them to mourn their loss.  Talk it over and see if a compromise can be reached which respects your wishes for non attendance and your child’s wishes to honour you and say goodbye.  Good luck