Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

Flipflop13

Some of the replies in here are awful ‘your funeral isn’t about you’ who on Earth is it about then?!
Everyone should respect someone’s wishes for a funeral, if someone isn’t religious and doesn’t want to be paraded round in a coffin then that should be respected. 

If one child is absolutely against it, then they will need to come to some sort of agreement with their siblings after your death about what extras they are wishing to have and pay for it themselves but in my mind, you say in your will what you would like, set aside the money for that and let them come to terms with it over time. 

Shebear

I agree with Marcon. You can express a wish and leave it to them. The money will come from your estate anyway. No need to buy it now, let them deal with it.

FrugalThrills

Although funerals are for the living, why should they ignore the wishes of the deceased? For instance, if the deceased is not religious but the children are, they have no right to organise a religious service. Have a wake to celebrate the life rather than worrying about the service itself.

FrugalThrills

Malthusian said:

Just as weddings are for the guests and not the bride/groom, 

This is nonsense. Weddings are completely for the bride and groom.

sunnyflower

My mum is thinking about organising one of these funerals for herself. I'm fine with it  & would happily have one for myself, but my husband thinks it's wrong because mourners can't say "cheerio". My argument is that you can usually do that before they die.
I think that the child who wants a full funeral should go with the parents wishes. The parent shouldn't be expected to pay for it just for the sake of sentiment & tradition.

Mojisola

MSE_Kelvin said:

I'm planning for the future and have been looking to buy a non-attended cremation for when I die, as post-life events don't hold any particular significance for me. I have three grown-up children, and two of them are fine with it, but the third gets very upset at the idea of not having a traditional funeral to say goodbye to me. Should I pay for the funeral to make them feel better, or stick with my original plan?

Does that one think that a direct cremation will mean your life won't be celebrated?

We've suggested to ours that they get a direction cremation for us and arrange a get-together for family and friends at a convenient time - this could be at a week-end so that most people won't have to take time off work to fit in with the times available at the crematorium.

msb1234

We had a simple cremation for my mum, as thats what she wanted. Then a few weeks later we had a big gathering to celebrate her life. It was lovely! 
You dont need to do anything about your funeral yet - just express your wishes.

YBR

Flipflop13 said:

Some of the replies in here are awful ‘your funeral isn’t about you’ who on Earth is it about then?!
Everyone should respect someone’s wishes for a funeral, if someone isn’t religious and doesn’t want to be paraded round in a coffin then that should be respected. 

If one child is absolutely against it, then they will need to come to some sort of agreement with their siblings after your death about what extras they are wishing to have and pay for it themselves but in my mind, you say in your will what you would like, set aside the money for that and let them come to terms with it over time. 

@flipflop There are two different things here:
The funeral is FOR those who are left behind, it's part of mourning. It is expected to reflect (be about) the person they've lost.

Neither I. nor my Mum care what happens at our funerals. We won't "be there".
However, I planned my Dad's funeral and it was difficult to do as Mum didn't want the local vicar ("we don't know him") but how would a humanist celebrant be better! I realised that it will be easier for my loved ones to have some pointers, so I have some suggestions noted down kept with my will but they say that they're not mandatory.

So, referring back to the OP, I feel it's good to give some direction to help people who are mourning. There may need to be a balance between their needs to mourn properly and what you'd like yourself. 

neilmorgan

You'll be gone. A funeral is for those left behind.
How do you other children truly feel about it?
The cost of a funeral is general taken out of the deceased estate before the rest of it is distributed, usually equally between your children.
If one child wants to give you  proper send off and the other 2 are fine with that then let them deal with it. If the other 2 definitely don't want a full blown funeral then let them negotiate and make sure they know you don't have a view either way. I would, however, ensure they know whether you want to be cremated or buried and whether it should be a religious service or not or if it matters to you either way.
 

Top_lady_2

Understand your feelings, but think your children are the ones who  are going to be picking up the pieces. You won’t be there to console them. I personally would not be wanting to upset any of our children anymore than they will feel at the time. If it makes it easier to have a full funeral then that is the price you pay for having children.
if your thinking I’m into having a big funeral you’d be wrong, I’m not one for ceremonies, but I care about the affect it will have on our children. We wish to leave as little damage as possible to anyone. Life is about love ,caring and family.