Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

JayD

I think the advice to do nothing is the best. Sort nothing, pay for nothing, discuss nothing any more. Leave it for your children to sort themselves.

They all know your wishes now, so it is up to them to decide amongst themselves what should be done and who should pay for it after you die. As you say, "post-life events don't hold any particular significance for me" so what does it matter to you what they end up choosing to do?

Linton

(Removed by Forum Team)

If there is insufficient money in an estate the council will pay for a basic though perfectly adequate funeral.

Funeral arrangements are the responsibility of the executor.  How could the 3rd child "get" the others into debt to pay for something they dont want to?  The money firstly comes from the estate, then from anyone who wants to pay for it, and if no-one wants to pay for it, from the council.

Peter_Vince

Stick with your orignal plan.  If one child wants to organise something special, fine, but that's up to them.

1408leo

I had a direct cremation for my husband last year organised by local undertaker & there was an option of paying additional £200 on top of £1495 which allowed 4 people to attend the crematorium .You didn't get a say in the day or time, they were early 8-830 am .That appeased the one person who was objecting. 

Flipflop13

YBR said:

Flipflop13 said:

Some of the replies in here are awful ‘your funeral isn’t about you’ who on Earth is it about then?!
Everyone should respect someone’s wishes for a funeral, if someone isn’t religious and doesn’t want to be paraded round in a coffin then that should be respected. 

If one child is absolutely against it, then they will need to come to some sort of agreement with their siblings after your death about what extras they are wishing to have and pay for it themselves but in my mind, you say in your will what you would like, set aside the money for that and let them come to terms with it over time. 

@flipflop There are two different things here:
The funeral is FOR those who are left behind, it's part of mourning. It is expected to reflect (be about) the person they've lost.

Neither I. nor my Mum care what happens at our funerals. We won't "be there".
However, I planned my Dad's funeral and it was difficult to do as Mum didn't want the local vicar ("we don't know him") but how would a humanist celebrant be better! I realised that it will be easier for my loved ones to have some pointers, so I have some suggestions noted down kept with my will but they say that they're not mandatory.

So, referring back to the OP, I feel it's good to give some direction to help people who are mourning. There may need to be a balance between their needs to mourn properly and what you'd like yourself. 

Exactly reflect the person they lost, if a full religious funeral does not reflect them then it is disrespectful to do so. 

Spendless

MikeJXE said:

15 years ago I went to my brothers funeral and it was amazing, so much so I prepaid for my own and my wife's funeral

My wife died 11 years ago and although there was nothing to pay it wasn't so amazing so I guess it's down to the ones who are left behind to make it so

I have a full funeral also but I will be dead but I will give my kids the option to alter it as they see fit ikeJXE

 @Mik@MikeJXE


If it's not too raw or upsetting  to talk about, in what way wasn't it amazing? Presumably you organised it within the amount you'd paid for?

My Mum purchased a pre-paid funeral plan for my Nan when she went into a care home, having been advised that it was not DOA to do so. 

We had one car for the family follow the hearse which was sufficient. The flowers were of Mum's choosing from a selection.
The congregation was small not due to the plan (because the crem holds x people so you can fill it to that number) a but because at nearly 99 Nan had outlived most of her contemporise plus be in a care home for 8 years and add a family rift in!  The service was non religious as per Nan's request. 


The story of her life interesting. The 3 lots of music (entrance, middle of service and leaving) were all selected as being significant  to Nan   and my daughter (a drama student ) read a poem. 

It's the only funeral I've attended where the plan had been b ought in advance, but I really didn't see any difference between it and any others I've attended. 

The costs on top of the plan has been below £500, for the small wake that followed plus additional costs for the plaque that's currently being done and that's because my Mum wished to include my Grandad's ashes and his name on the stone as he died 23 years ago and his ashes in an urn up to now (only discovered when Nan went into the home) so that has been additional costs, over and above what she pre-paid.  

Danien

Tell your daughter she can hold a wake if she feels she wants to - everyone important gets together at someone's house. Do it the U.S. way with everyone bringing food or drink and the costs are minimal.

Thisishopeless

There's a small possibility that you'll cause a serious sundering of relationships with the surviving members of your immediate family if you decide taking this route and the two others decide not to amend your funeral. As you say though, you're not worried about what happens after your gone.

Thisishopeless

There's a small risk that you might precipitate a serious rift with your close family after your gone (not from what you've written are you bothered about that) should they not agree to ammend your funeral. I'm not acting judgmentely against you, just asking if you think this might happen and to take steps if this might be a possibility. Emotions run very high amongst those close to you when you pass on, both at the point of death and at the funeral date.

tooldle

gloriouslyhappy said:

I’m a body donor so there won’t be a funeral. Any leftover bits will be cremated and disposed of by the donor organisation. I’ve requested friends and family who wish to remember me get together at a convenient date after my death and have a party - drink champagne and play a specific piece of music. I’ve left a small sum of money to cover the champagne. That’s it. No fuss no bother no ridiculous religious mumbo jumbo. And no one can change anything, it’s all out of their hands.

My folks had / have donation agreements in place. They also each have funeral bond with the co-op. Dad’s donation was not accepted down to cause of death. The same will happen with mum. Both had / have organised for a non attended cremation. Their wills specifically state, if donation not accepted, they are to be cremated without anyone in attendance. 

I have done and will do, as asked.