Money Moral Dilemma: Should I pay for a full funeral just because one of my children wants me to?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm planning for the future and have been looking to buy a non-attended cremation for when I die, as post-life events don't hold any particular significance for me. I have three grown-up children, and two of them are fine with it, but the third gets very upset at the idea of not having a traditional funeral to say goodbye to me. Should I pay for the funeral to make them feel better, or stick with my original plan?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

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Pollycat

Stick with your original plan of course.
It's your funeral, you plan it however you want.

Malthusian

Just as weddings are for the guests and not the bride/groom, funerals are for the living and not the dead.
If the funeral is of no significance to you, then forget about it and let your children do whatever they want at the time. Why start a family argument over something you don't care about?
You are going to pay for the funeral whatever happens; it has first call on your estate.

annabanana82

I agree with Malthusian, funerals are about the people left behind, not the person that has passed away. 

However, a direct cremation doesn't have to mean no service, when the parent of a friend passed away they had a memorial service followed by a private scattering of the ashes. 

By having the conversation now maybe you can reach a happy medium between you all

Keep_pedalling

Any instructions you leave regarding your funeral are just wishes and not enforceable so your children can make any arrangements they like, but there is nothing they can do to get you to pay for in advance.

theoretica

Why not ask the provider if there would be any problems with your children paying extra to add more on to what you have paid for?  That way you will have the knowledge that you have paid for the basic body disposal in advance and if your children want to and can afford to make additional arrangements for their own goodbye then they may.  Of course that still leaves your children dealing with having different opinions!

gran3

If one is that bothered ask them if they want to pay the difference. Increasingly this will become the norm. Not the paying, the non-funeral.

Marcon

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm planning for the future and have been looking to buy a non-attended cremation for when I die, as post-life events don't hold any particular significance for me. I have three grown-up children, and two of them are fine with it, but the third gets very upset at the idea of not having a traditional funeral to say goodbye to me. Should I pay for the funeral to make them feel better, or stick with my original plan?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

People get very emotional about funerals, and thinking about one for a parent (even before the actuality arises) can really stoke up the feelings. Why not put something in your will to say that you would be happy with a non-attended cremation but leave it to the discretion of your children to agree what will happen (with 3 children, there can be a majority vote!). Don't buy any sort of plan, but explain to them that as the funds will come out of your estate, it will of course reduce their inheritance, so you feel the decision should be left to them.

Flugelhorn

I arranged a non-attended cremation for a close family member followed by a memorial service at a later date. Amazing how opinionated not so closely related family members got about it all!

I would express your wishes in your will and leave them to it 

bradavon

Funerals aren't about you. They're about your close family.

Their opinion matters more than theirs, you won't be here anyway.

Ron246235

If it is all the same to you but the idea of no funeral makes your third child upset, then I would say the sensible thing is to have a funeral. And if you don't mind paying for it, or you like the idea of the expense being dealt with in advance, then it would be sensible for you to pay for it.

I don't agree with Malthusian and annabanana82. Who a funeral is "for" or "about" depends on your religious views. In Christianity it is for the deceased person. For people with no religion, perhaps you could say it is for the living but about the deceased. Either way, it is easy to understand any child's wish that their parent should have a funeral.