Very Different Sex Drives

Skint_Catt

TurnaroundSue wrote: »

After 26 years together, my hubby are I are finally sexually compatible ..... neither of us wants it!!! :rotfl:

:rotfl: Can't wait! I'd love to not mind not getting it! :rotfl:

Nenen

Jei70 wrote: »

....and from this thread I deduce I'm the only woman in the UK who actually likes sex!!!

Don't worry Jei, you're not alone... I like it too! OP I can empathise entirely as I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and watched the (porno) video! I can quite understand why you made the jokey comment re 'prefer it to be 3 times per day than three times per month' and it's a shame so many people didn't understand the 'ironic laughing at yourself' in the face of something that you feel desperately hurt about.

I love my dh TMD but have always been the one with the higher sex drive... I would happily have sex every day even now (after 28+ years together) but my dh has always been someone who was happy to have sex 2-3 times in one week then not at all for 2-3 weeks... I swear he has female hormone pattern and I have male! :eek: I can empathise with the feelings of frustration when you love someone deeply in everyway but are not able to be sexually compatible.

The thing that really helped us both was Tantra. We learned about tantric meditaion with a wonderful woman called Leora. Her website is:
https://www.diamondlighttantra.com
We went on several weekend retreats, a wonderful week's holiday in Spain and had several private sessions with her. It has made all the difference to us both in so many ways. We both learned to get in touch with our own bodies and to love them (an important pre-requisite for allowing someone else to love your body is to feel comfortable with it yourself). I'd recommend you get in touch with her.Good luck

dt78e

I've been with my partner for 8 years and it was great to begin with. During the first year we would be 'at it' most days, sometimes more often. Then we decided to have a child together. Sex became even more frequent (at least once a day) while she was trying to get pregnant. Everything went to plan and she became pregnant soon after.

This is when it started to go down hill. About 3 months into pregnancy she started going off sex. It went down to once a week, then once a month. It stayed like this until a couple of months after the birth of my daughter. I understood it was a big change for both of us, particularly for my partner and thought that 6 months or so after our daughter was born, sex would return to normal. To my dismay it completely dried up.

We went 4 years without sex . I've always had a high sex drive and tried everything I could, to show patience and understanding. She never wanted to discuss it and blamed me for bringing up the topic and would say it just put her off. She said if I let it lie, she would initiate sex in her own time, but how long should I have to wait. I wouldn't mention sex for weeks/months, but would eventually lose patience and ask to discuss it. She'd then say 'she was just coming around to the idea, but I had to spoil it'.

After those 4 years, I started an affair. It's not ideal, but I wouldn't have done it if we had a sex life. I moved out not long after. I would visit about 3 times a week to see my daughter and to my surprise, within a month of moving out, my partner was all over me. I would visit my daughter and stay until it was her bed time. Once she had gone to bed, my partner would then make her move;). The same thing would happen everytime I visited. We continued for a couple of months. I decided to end the affair that took me away from my partner and decided to move back in. It was fantastic.

Skip a couple of years (so that this post dosn't turn into a novel)- It's now been 12 months since we last 'had it'. The lesson I've learnt is she doesn't want me when I'm around, but the moment I up and leave, she's all over me. I don't want to leave and it's not my intention to have an affair, but I wonder if it's my only option. History seems to be repeating itself.

haylibo

My other thought is that I do think people have different sex drives, there's no way round that and it's not just the partner you are with, it's innate and some people are just more naturally interested in sex than others
There are lots of factors which underpin an individuals 'sex drive' and equally, lots of ways 'round that'. It's a complex topic and includes our view or ourselves, what is going on for us at the time internally, within the relationship and within the wider world, our view of our partner, our upbringing and our physiology.

haylibo

The lesson I've learnt is she doesn't want me when I'm around, but the moment I up and leave, she's all over me. I don't want to leave and it's not my intention to have an affair, but I wonder if it's my only option. History seems to be repeating itself.Have you tried getting counselling? I can imagine the effect another affair would have on the relationship and it can't be a good solution with kids involved. I would be tempted to get some help, if she won't do it I would start alone to show that you are serious (the counselling I mean, I'm sure other forms of self help you've covered by now lol).
BW

merlin34

I have a certain affinity with dt78 insomuch as I am considering separating from my wife of over 25 years due to her inability to recognise that when we do have sex we both enjoy it and are satisfied but she will not talk about it or instigate it at all in fact she is cold about it. This sounds like because I can't have it when I want it then it is her fault, but not so I have not pressurised her into doing it and have been patient and gentle with her but if I don't instigate it myself then I don't think I would have had it all!
There are other issues in our relationship but she doesn't want to discuss them with anyone else so counselling or relate is out of the question. I feel vulnerable at the moment and have put her first at all times but feel the end is nigh and am looking forward with some relish of a new life away from each other to see how we feel about each other.

Lotus-eater

Wow I didn't realise there were so many people with the same thoughts as me, sex has always been important to me and not so much to my OH. I've been close to leaving lots of times because of lack of compatibility. She just doesn't understand how important it is to me.
I sort of go up and down, one moment I think I'm taking it way out of importance, after all she is a wonderful person and we have great kids. Other times it seems the most depressing thing in the world that I'm not getting what I need to be happy.

I think I once thought I could change her, but a few years ago realised it wasn't going to happen, when I realised that, it was absolutely crushing, I'm almost in tears just thinking about it.

I don't think there is an answer.

Funnily enough, we both suggested Relate, both thought they would be on our side, because we both think we are right.
I know I have a high sex drive, I always have, I also have a low boredom threshold, Like everyone else, I've pretty much tried all the different things to get it better between us.

Lotus-eater

dt78e I might be wrong but this may be a danger thing? She doesn't want you when its normal stuff, but when its a bit different, she's all over you. Maybe try it outside, or in a place where there is a chance of being caught (not too much, its illegal )

dt78e

I would be tempted to get some help, if she won't do it I would start alone to show that you are serious (the counselling I mean, I'm sure other forms of self help you've covered by now lol).
BW

Um, Yes - MANY! LOL

dt78e I might be wrong but this may be a danger thing? She doesn't want you when its normal stuff, but when its a bit different, she's all over you. Maybe try it outside, or in a place where there is a chance of being caught (not too much, its illegal )

It's definately not a danger thing. When we were 'at it', she insisted it always had to be in the bedroom. I realise now that, she knew what she had to do to get me back and it worked. What I think she fails to realise is that it needs to continue if she wants me to stay. I know how that sounds - 'if I don't get what I want then sod you', but sex is one of those things that I feel is unnatural to live without , and to me is a very important part of any relationship.

3plus1

I've read through this entire thread, and to be honest, I'm horrified by the way in which the OP has been treated.

Some people might find it normal to only have sex a few times a month, but the majority of those people are parents. The OP did not once state that he and his partner had children - I would imagine that they're both relatively footloose and fancy free, so why should regular sex be abnormal?

Wanting sex every day does not mean you are a sex addict. It simply means that you're attracted to your partner, and I fail to understand why that is a bad thing, and why so much criticism has been thrown at the OP because of it.

I'm also shocked by the suggestions that the OP is to blame for making his partner do everything, and how "foreplay" should be "housework". He's always stated that he does most of the cooking and pulls his weight around the house.

It just feels like people are projecting their own insecurities and bitterness upon the OP. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for saying that, but that's how it looks to me.

Not everyone is wired to want to have sex that often - some people do have quite low sex drives naturally. If it's not been the case all of her life, things to blame might be her diet, her relationships with her friends, family and co-workers, her method of contraception and any changes to how she looks.

If she does just naturally have a lower sex drive than you, I fear that finding a compromise might be really difficult. OP, you sound as if you care for your partner very much, but you have to bear in mind that this might be a permanent thing - could you really spend the rest of your life with this woman feeling frustrated all the time? That's what you've got to consider.

If sex isn't something she wants to do all that often, then maybe she would be amenable to taking some sexy pictures for you? I'm sure you'd prefer that to !!!!!!, and it would probably boost her confidence to know that when you were 'taking care of yourself', you were still thinking of her. Might not be an idea she's comfortable with, though.

Also, how would she feel about having sexual relations more often, but not full blown sex?

There's got to be some middle ground somewhere and I wish you the best of luck finding it, if that's what you decide to do. You're in a very difficult situation and I think you should be respected for trying to find a solution rather than just walking away at the drop of a hat.