Diary of a 30-something idiot

CoffeeSonata

Yes. I came back to say this. I picked up that you cancelled Illumicrate and it was unequal.  Now it's both of yours. 
I don't disagree it's necessary to let these things go for a time, to stabilise. 

But the agreement and justification was 2 each. 
(Which honestly was unaffordable and unsustainable.)

But now that agreement is entirely gone really, and it's not fair on you. Really not. 

You mentioned in your last post and round up that non-negotiable essentials included some subscriptions. 

I don't  know if you included netflix and playstation /GTA in that. 

But for me,  categorising essential = stuff I need to keep roof, alive, warm, clothed, travel to work (only), prescriptions, annual dentist check up, annual opticians check up,  Internet, which I need for work. 
 Car: insruance (including the monthly contribution toward MOT/road tax/ annual insurance / basic car service / predictable maintenance - tyres/brakes / small car repair fund.  
 Then minimum debt repayments, in an order of priority of the ones with the most serious consequences if not paid. (E.g highest priority would be a legal consequence etc.)

 Then phone. (obviously as cheaply as I can.)  

 Also essential, where money allows, and a very high priority to find money for if I didnt' have it  would be getting to a small pot or maintaining a small pot without raiding : 
 house appliance/breakdown fund: so annual boiler service, an amount that can be used to pay for plumbing emergencies, the cheapest possible essential white goods if fridge breaks, or washing machine goes. 
 Monthly amount toward the inevitable glasses replacement  or at least lens replacement yearly/every other year.
 Travel/petrol money to see my parents every quarter or at first six months. (They live far away!)

 Small amount that would cover the additional cost of a more expensive but common dentist visit (nhs if you are nhs / private if not) - say fillings. 


Nothing else is in the essential list.


Then I start a very , very improtant to me category, which would have apple music at the top or a small book fund/kindle unlimited.
 Nest doorbell. (Even though this is very important to me, as I'm deaf and need it, it's a very high priority, it's not technically or actually an essential. Still.)

 Those would be the first thing I would fund once all the life-essentials are covered. 

 We generally handle our own subscriptions out of our personal discretionary monthly money. 
 The only one we don't is disney+. 
  We have spare money in the household budget, we both want and benefit from it watching a series together in the evenings. So agreed to get it. 
   Often though, once we've watched what we wanted to, we will stop/start - stopping until something we really want to watch comes up again. 

 Because they are our choice to have them, and whilst they are very important to us, our well being and sanity, in the budget categories they are not monthly essentials, and not ones we fill up first. We also have different preferences and wants, and may or may not want to use another's subscription.
So subscriptions have to come out of any left over money, and our personal discretionary money. Which is pretty much equal for both of us each month.  
 It's set at a small (sadly) and sustainable amount once the rest of the household budget is working. 

 I wonder if that might be a better way of approaching it for you, and Mr Fox so that he really does see it's a choice, not a household bill and it's fairer to both of you, as you have an allowance to spend on non-life-household essentials as you choose?

 I know this means giving him an offical discretionary spending amount regularly. We do this (I am the non-earning person.) My partner makes sure that I have an amount each month when I'm not working that I can use without justification, or consultation or worry I'm being a burden or unaffordable. 

 Subscriptions then *do* mean that if we chose one from our discrentionary monthly pot, we may not be able to get other things we want or do thoset things we want. But that's the reality. Choosing it, means we prioritise it over those other things. 
 If it becomes a chore to pay, we would evaluate what do I really need/want this money to do? How much value am I actually getting out of the subscription if it means I can't pay for xyz? How much am I / we atually watching and benefiting?

 But crucially it means we both have the option of choosing a susbcription if it's within our personal budget, without affecting the other person, feeling guilty or a burden and we know because it's designated 'fun money' each month we can pick it if we want. 


 If you mean netflix/playstation is non negotiable - why? Why are yours negotiable and not his'? I appreciate they may be used for the kids (netflix, maybe online gaming when in different houses).  That makes them more painful to face if unsustainable, and harder for you to say 'they are just yours' because I see how much you care about the kids. I realise you probably watch netflix too, but the subscription is high and essentially probably subbing other households?

 But they shouldn't be non-negotiable, they are negotiable and they are still not essential (even though very highly wanted and maybe useful/improve your quality of life).  
 They are actually no more non negotiable than you not watching youtube premium.
 Could at least one of those subscriptions be re-framed in a fairer 'discretionary spending' amount that both of you have equally? 

 I use mine for subscriptions,  coffee, small treats /charity shop finds, wool, make up.  It is low-ish and does mean that I have to sometimes save it up for something I really want but that gets easier. And I know that it will get better and we will both have more as my income increases. 
 It's not a perfect system by any means, but it helps. 


 
  Having said all that, I wanted to send you a giant hug. Cancelling it and accepting you had to, is a big thing. Those ads are very annoying. We considered youtube premium as partner watches it alot. And it's driving them batty.  I watch it, and also same, though I watch less. But it's just too expensive for us right now.  We also go through phases of watching it alot, then....not. 

  I was going to suggest re: the food issue that if you have any subscriptions paid monthly yet to come out, then cancel them at least for a month and it would help. It's also a realsly good test to see how much you value something in how much you miss it, or how else you spend your time. It's eye opening how much use you get from things when you don't have them anymore and dont' miss as much as you thought! 


 But hugs. It was needed, I'm sorry it was needed though. And very well done taking that step.

CoffeeSonata

How much is your actual grocery spend? Not the budgeted amount,, but say the average for what you actually spent the last two months or Nov, Jan, Feb? (Deliberately missing out Dec in the averaging ) ? 

Asking as with  all the travel you do (in a more petrol eating van) and  public transport being expensive £650 seems too little to cover this and groceries and groceries feeding additional kids on weekends and any other guests who might eat with you.
So wondering if your grocery figure is based on actual average spending for the last few normal / non December months ?

If it isn’t the best way of budgeting so you can stick to it is to budget the average amount you actually spend. Not the amount you want to spend or lower it to. 

(I did this at first, then again when setting a target for the grocery challenge until everyone talked me into order and reality. They were right.)

First budget your current level or maybe £10 less than the current level. 

Then track everything. 

Start making the small changes and they will build
and you can reduce it to a better level to free up some
money. 

But if you don’t know your baseline and aren’t starting from there but setting a figure you think should be the case for three or three plus others sometimes - this will be why it’s also difficult . (As well as raiding the grocery Pot.) 
I think first you need to try to see your budget on paper knowing the amount you generally spend now and budgeting that figure . This will give you the reality of what’s actually happening and what amount at the moment you need to budget. 

And then challenge yourself to reduce it by a realistic amount, gradually. 

If it needs to reduce.
That helped me focus on getting back
to keeping the budget down, meal planning, coping with the unexpected, assessing where we were overspending and what my priorities were in food . I had the headspace to do that without the pressure or angst of ‘I have to stick to this very small amount that is very difficult ‘ or constantly having my brain taken up mentally moving money around or stressed out when shopping. 

Start with the current reality (since you’re spending that money anyway each month) and then work on reducing it if it’s seemingly high.  

Grocery challenge thread will probably
help
too. 

CoffeeSonata

P.s make sure Mr Fox ices and elevates his ankle if swollen. Not just once but frequently next 24 hours! If he can’t put foot to floor - minor injuries / A&E.  (though appreciate that may be tricky to get to if he can’t drive!) don’t let him be stubborn! Definitely ice! 

foxandflowers

I have an Estate Agent coming to value the house on Wednesday. Potentially insane ideas are lurking on the horizon. 

Kim_13

Given the amount from the previous house sale that was spent on the kitchen and other improvements rather than staying in savings/overpaying debts, I’m very worried about this. Factor in the cost of moving expenses - you’ve only just paid them, essentially for nothing if you move again.

dawnybabes

To move closer to work ? Family ? 

foxandflowers

I have been thinking a lot about the nature of the debt I am in, and how it has continued to grow for my adult life. This is off the back of a comment on here I think from @warby68  

I grew up in an affluent neighbourhood, went to a good school, never really wanted for anything. We had tight months after my dad died, but we never went without food. I had a big garden to play in, and as I got older I had riding lessons, swimming lessons, piano lessons. I went to Guides, and briefly to a Church based Youth Group. I had friends, and we camped in the back garden, held house parties, bicycled everywhere, took picnics to the countryside, drove to the seaside two or three times a year. There was never really a feeling that money was not really a concern. It might have been for my mum, but I never saw it. I remember her writing down everything she spent in a ledger book, and vaguely understanding that sometimes there wasn't enough money to go somewhere, and we had a lodger, but I never felt poor. We were, by many standards, quite comfortable. 

And I think some of that has had direct consequences on how I want to raise my daughter, and the lifestyle I think we should be living. Which is entirely unrealistic based off one wage. I think for now it works better for our family that Mr Fox is not working. I know a lot of people don't agree with that, but for our family at the moment, it is what is needed. When Mini Fox is in secondary school, I am sure it can be revisited. But that also means that I need to adjust the way I live to account for the fact that there is going to be one wage for the foreseeable future. 

If Mr Fox and I were to split up, and he moved out, I would need to be able to handle everything on my own, with the addition of childcare costs. And I want to be able to give Mini Fox at least one organised activity a week, and be able to save for things. And I also would not want to be in a four bedroom house when there would only be two of us there. However, by the same standard I would want to have space to have people over. And assuming we do not split up, then we need room to have the boys over. So we need three bedrooms. 

If I was to try and get a mortgage I would not be able to buy the kind of house I currently live in, as it would be beyond my means. I love the area we live in, and would not want to leave that. But I do think that I need to start living more within my means, and there is the inkling of an idea that a detached 4 bed house is not within my means at all. I would be better suited to a 3 bed terrace house, with a manageable garden, limited work (just painting!), and a roof that doesn't need replacing.  In turn, that would have lower running costs, and lower upkeep costs associated with it.

I love the potential of the house we are in now. But I do not love the reality of it. And the secondary reality is that if I spend the next 20 years paying off debt, I won't get to a place where this house has reached its potential. And the roof will need replacing in about 5 years, if we are lucky, and I cannot afford to do that. And that terrifies me. 

So we have booked a valuation in with the local Estate Agents, and will see if the house has increased in value at all from the new kitchen etc that we have put in. I've seen a house that ticks my boxes, in that it would be comfortably affordable by myself, and it is £40k less than what I paid for my current house before we did any work. It's ex-council so council tax band is A. So if the EA reckons we could get about £215k for the current house, I could cover moving costs, and clear debt, and have an actual fresh start by being £350 a month better off, which could then go into savings pots each month and allow me a quality of life that is currently enormously out of reach... It is a very tempting thought. 

WinterWarrior

Who would support MrFox if he left? I think you are pretty safe that he will be always there, unless you decide to split yourself. He has a lovely life not having to support himself and to be fair you do almost everything on your own already. It is a good idea to map a possible future without him though, just toss those ideas around and see how it feels? Do you have a pre nup in place or will he go for half of everything? My ex said he didn’t want anything I had paid for, until it happened and then managed to get his hands on everything, including my pension, despite adding nothing to the house himself. 

And on a lighter note my spell check turned pre nup into pre nip….that seems much more suitable 🥂 

uralmaid

From what I have read you only moved into the current house in 2023.  Probably wont have increased much at all from what you paid. Contrary to opinions new kitchens and bathrooms don't usually increase a property in relation to what they cost.  You have already spent a considerable sum moving last year.  You openly admit you don't have any funds. I really worry that you are just trying to solve issues by robbing Peter to pay Paul. Last time you moved it was supposed to solve the debts.  The only way to truly resolve the issue is for your husband to man up and get a job and stop spending your very hard earned money, or for you to split.  Yes it would be very difficult but you are handling everything on your own anyway. Please realise you are worth much more than this. The money in your house is your inheritance. It will just get frittered away until you are left with nothing. How many times can you move house to try and solve this?  Each time you move there are costs. Solicitors fees, valuation fees and estate agency fees. All dead money.

lillypoo

Hi

I am by nature a supporter rather than an adviser. But I've just gone back in your diary and read the entries when you were originally selling, and all the things you planned to do with the left over money. One of the things you intended to do was pay mayglothling ...I think , if i'm reading correctly ..thats still not paid. I genuinely think you should go back and read those diary entries. It will make you see that what appears to be the answer doesn't always live up to expectations. 

Also ...moving out/selling so quickly raises lots of questions for potential buyers. It makes people question what's wrong with the house. Surveys will be done and if a new roof is needed offers will reflect that. 

I realise at the moment it's just an idea but please don't rush into a move thinking it will be the answer to your prayers. X