Diary of a 30-something idiot

enthusiasticsaver

foxandflowers said:

Replies Part Two:: 

Lollyj32 said:

What would you think if your daughter’s father chose to quit work and not pay maintenance? Essentially this is what your husband is allowed to do, you are supporting him being a terrible parent. He isn’t even looking for work- I would have some sympathy if he was or if he even allowed you to claim UC. Let him find the funds for his children’s travel.

My daughter's father owes me £3000 in unpaid child maintenance. He did quit a job because they tried to do a deduction of earnings order on him. He hasn't seen his daughter since January. He is now back in employment and they are doing collect and pay otherwise I wouldn't be seeing a penny of support from him. We contribute towards the boys, and ensure they don't go without, and we cover things for my daughter too. We have informal agreements in place with both the boys' mums, and the older two are adults now. 
Mr Fox may be many things but he is absolutely not a terrible parent. 

You have been unlucky with both your ex and Mr Fox not pulling their weight financially. Your only responsibility is your DD not the boys although I expect you will find that very difficult not to contribute. Financially though it is Mr Fox who is liable not you. 

foxandflowers

Have been out for lunch today with the work girls and spent £13.55. Had gluten free bacon brie and cranberry toastie, a matcha latte, and a slice of lime and coriander cake. Absolutely delicious. I won't be eating dinner tonight though! I don't tend to enjoy eating in the evenings, I'd much rather have a cup of tea. I didn't really feel like I could say no, because I've been here a month now, and I've managed to avoid going out. But I need to bond with people. 

On the other hand, it was quite useful, as I now know that I am going to be doing my first professional qualification starting in May. I'd been missed off the initial list because I've been doing work that is a lower role than what I am employed to do to help out. It's £60 a month for five months, but one of the girls is the one who organises everything and she is going to see if I can spread the payments over the entire study period of 9 months rather than the 5 months which would obviously help the budget hugely. She's promised to keep it on the downlow as it were, but I also feel like if we hadn't gone for lunch today and got to know each other better, that wouldn't be on the table. It is quite a big hit to lose £60 a month. 

millymolly22

Just wanted to say i think you are doing really well under all the pressures you have in your life.  There have been times in my 30 year marriage where my husband has not earned or been unable to claim benefits for various reasons but in return he has been the house husband doing washing cleaning DIY school runs etc.  But also during those times he had not spent anything from the household funds unless they were a complete necessity.  I just wanted to say it's ok if you are happy for your husband not to bring money into the house but in return he must take the lions share of household duties.  Looking back a lot of households existed where only one person worked in the household but times have changed and financially you sound like you need two wages to live the life you WANT to live.
We all have a never ending list of what we WANT to do holidays renovations days out etc but most people have to live within their means and just pay for the necessary household bills food on the table and enough clean clothes for the family.
So if your DH doesn't want to contribute money to the family then he needs to step up and take on everything needed to run your home.
Also just wanted to add if I had borrowed off family and friends (and I have in the past) I would not be spending on holidays or new bikes before I had paid them all off completely no matter how much they said there was no rush to pay them back. 
You keep referring to next month next month later this year but you need to look at today and if you pay your debts one by one when you do get a bonus or rise at work it's for you and not to be shared between multiple debts.
**edit Also I think you mentioned you have a large garden.   Can your DH create a veg patch.  Digging a garden doesn't need a skill and am sure your DD would love growing her own veg 

SuzeQStan

Would your work not be able to cover the training qualification cost? 

foxandflowers

@millymolly22 thanks. Mr Fox is attempting to be better around the house, we are two weeks into him doing all the housework aside from laundry, and it is a weight off me, honestly. I don't think I realised just how much I was doing, until I wasn't doing it any more. On non-after-school club days, he has fed Mini Fox by the time I am home too, which is ace. I do have a bit of a problem with preferring to look at the future rather than focusing on the immediate - I suppose that is because sometimes the immediate feels utterly out of control. By looking forward I can sort of trick myself into thinking that I'll get a handle on things. And to be far, I have come a long way by doing just that. 

@SuzeQStan Work subsidize cost of course which is £1695 + VAT. We contribute £300 towards it, and as far as I am aware it is deducted before tax. Which I suppose is fair enough. Especially as once I am qualified, I can then move up the ladder. 

CoffeeSonata

Hi Fox. That is very good news about the course. Will require planning and prioritising but is something you absoutely should do as a non-negotiable to be able to raise your income. 

One of the things I was going to say was that I was worried when you said you had £40 a week groceries to the end of March. It's not very doable. It seems there's less now. 

You have £85 left now, which is £28 a week. Maybe less now you've had lunch out.  
It isn't doable. Certainly not if you have extra people/kids  some of the weekends. 

I know you said some of the extra money from the selling the jewellery (if it goes ahead) will be used for clothes/book day. 

I also know (and the ADHD brain - mine probably is works like this) that book day now *feels* like an emergency as it's tomorrow. Maybe more than what to do when the £85 runs out before the end of the month. 

But she doesn't NEED a cosutme or clothes for it. Not tomorrow. Many kids just come in PJs. If that's what she wants to do, and they have been told they can, send her as a bedtime story. If she wants to wear the oodle (it's warm!) let her. YOu don't need to be spending on those clothes now. 

You DO need, very very much need desperately to be able to eat, and not borrow. 
Even WITH the money from the sale, you still need a solution for groceries for the rest of the month. 

It's critical, and you need to move things around, do a stock of the money you actually have and reallocate accoring to necessity. 
That is going to mean some things that feel essential, or are really hard to say no, or we can't do, or are without conflict will probably not be able to be done or cancelled this month. Or any pots used to see you through groceries to end of month  without borrowing. 

However book day isn't one of those things. It's an easy win. Mini fox doesn't want to spend money. She wants her PJs and Oodle in school, amd will probably have an absolute ball and remember you as the cool mum who let her do what she wanted and wear an oodle to school! 

You don't need to prioritise that, or spend the money yet. 
I agree she needs clothes, and by the sound of it soon. 

But not for tomorrow. 
Having enough food to see through the end of the month IS an absolute necessity. Don't think you can fix it if and when you sell something. That isn't money you have. The money you have right now, is what you know you have for food. And you need food. She has an oodle she's very happy to wear to book day by the sound of it! 

Take an easy win with book day, and hard as it is for you (I do know it will be super hard) accept she wants an oodle. Money is going to be better for you all, and her making sure you can get groceries to the end of month.
It won't fix it enitrely, but it's a good start. Don't fall into the trap either of a) it won't fully plug the hole so I might as well gt the clothes now if I get money from a sale  or b) thinking it's ok because child benefit is coming in ten days, or I might sell something and something will happen to rescue, so I'll just focus on what feels like the most immediate need.  

Sorry if I sound harsh, I know you really want her to have new clotehs right now and not wear PJs to book day -  but this is the reality of your budget and what each decision to spend money now means. 
It's coming out of a very limited pot, most ? of which is needed for groceries and absolutely essential transport. 

As someone working in schools, PJs to school day (for book day or otherwise) is usually the kids absolute favourite too! 

slm6002

Please sign up for freecycle - so many people just want to clear clutter and grown out of clothes from their house and are happy to give away bags of them for free.  Maybe in the bin bag of clothes that you get only 25% of them will be any good, but that is 25% you don't have to buy.  Most of the time it is more like 75%.

As you are no longer in the middle of nowhere from what I remember, it should be easier to collect things.

Plus summer is on its way.  If any of the out grown trousers are only a little short but fit DD around the waist - make them into shorts 3/4 length trousers

foxgloves

Wearing 'jamas, taking a book & going to World Book Day as a bedtime story is a fab idea, @CoffeeSonata, & actually a lot more relevant to the day& the reading habit it is supposed to be promoting than turning up in football kit or a bought-in D****y princess costume. I love it! 
F

slenderkitten

You are not an idiot, a lot of us make mistakes like this. 

You will need an income and expenditure-styled spreadsheet to keep track of everything and to put it in writing now much money you have and how much you can pay against each debt.

Think about everything that you can do without and write it down on a separate spreadsheet, document everything. I don't know what bank account you have but some of the newer internet accounts such as starling enable you to set up pots of money so you can put the money into those accounts for each debt this can help organise you.

I would like to add to create a spreadsheet to make a note of each payment you make, you can have a tab for all your current debts owed this should be your first tab to give you an overall simple look at your debts, you can reduce the amount of each one you make a payment against,

If you want to keep detail records (this is what I would do), the other tabs could be a monthly record of each of your other debts you fill this in for each payment you make on each debt, to keep an accurate record, put in details of what debt you paid, how much any references from the receipts staple the receipts to the bills if you have them.  Try to keep them in an orderly fashion in a folder, the newest bill on top.

I hope my comment helps in some way or even makes sense .

Lollyj32

You would be better off paying a cleaner a couple of hours a week and him working! You can NOT afford to be the sole earner. 

You moved house to free up funds and seem to be no better off