Diary of a 30-something idiot

Kim_13

My suggestion would be using the Child Maintenance for DDs clothes, thereafter saving it into a Mini Fox pot to pay for her birthday and Christmas/any school expenses which arise. There won’t be £400 in one go but it would mean that there wasn’t the risk of spending the full amount because she hasn’t had anything for ages (which emotionally is completely understandable) but as others have said, she could grow out of them again shortly. 

iza_belle1

I find the supermarket ranges good value for Children's clothes. The quality is usually better than Primark and they tend to stock multi-packs , for example 5 cotton long sleeved tops or joggers/leggings etc for a reasonable price. Good for basics like socks/pants etc too. I normally go online with George @SDA and do a bit of a bulk buy twice a year. T3sco also often have weeks where all the kids clothes are 25% off which is another opportunity to stock up, or pick up things like a winter coat in a larger size ready for next winter. I could probably replenish my 11 year olds entire wardrobe easily for £100-150. I do appreciate quality shoes are expensive though, especially when they are growing so fast. X 

evebeme

Would it be possible to have the children travel by bus or train to visit you on the weekends? I should think it would be cheaper than all the travel you do now.

Lollyj32

What would you think if your daughter’s father chose to quit work and not pay maintenance? Essentially this is what your husband is allowed to do, you are supporting him being a terrible parent. He isn’t even looking for work- I would have some sympathy if he was or if he even allowed you to claim UC. Let him find the funds for his children’s travel.

warby68

Don't take this the wrong way Foxy, but have you ever lived within a budget ie living off earned (or other) income only? I don't mean have you done it successfully but it seems a lot of your adult finances have been clouded by inheritance and constant house moves.

I say this because your perception of what you 'need' to spend and the amount of stuff you feel you should be able to do all at once (living, debt repayment, lots of leisure spends and purchases, home improvements, run 2 vehicles, support another 4 children and a husband) are way beyond what your level of income can manage. This is just the planned stuff, there has been a lot of impulse stuff too which tips the balance even further to deficit.

Your improvements in income are brilliant and work ethic huge but in the cold light of day its a relatively small income for all that you expect to do with it. Its always going to be a struggle if you don't have more of a significant change of mindset. I remember how you 'normalised' the amount OH spent on the festival for the 18th birthday, even contacting you for more when you were pawning stuff and barely eating. I know this is MSE but even in the wider world that amount was huge for a gift for families much much better off than you even without the struggles you were having.

You won't be a failure if you don't provide the holidays and expensive birthdays for all 7 people in your family. You are a miracle worker just housing, loving and feeding that many by yourself. Obviously it helps that you do not have a direct housing cost. I know I'm going on at you quite a bit but its from worry and a sneaky feeling that it won't be long before you're accessing the house equity particularly under OH's influence if you don't/can't change some of the fundamentals. That is your only security and has been diminished a lot already so it scares me on your behalf.

So much of this relates to issues you are not ready to tackle yet so I am looking at what you need to do to manage for the longer term on just your income but nonetheless, I do hope so much you find a way to tackle the elephant in the room before too much longer.

foxandflowers

Okay, lots to reply to this morning so I will do my best.

@enthusiasticsaver Are your friends ok with waiting for you to pay them back?  Do you think they would understand if you prioritised some of the spends you intend using the van money for over repaying them?  Did you borrow off them for anything specific or was it for general living/overspending? 
I have set up a S.O. for Friend One (the really big loan). That loan has accumulated over the last ten years or so, and has been for "bailing out" and unexpected emergencies. It has been brought down from 10k or so at it's highest. Generally I try not to borrow money that I can't pay back, but it has only really been this year that I have been in a position to commit to a proper repayment plan. The other Friend loan is... just sort of there. It is understood my finances are difficult and there is not much wiggle room to repay immediately. The last couple of times I have brought up repayments I have been told to wait until I am in a comfortable position. I am very lucky with my friends.

Can you use the March bonus to pay towards one of the friends loans? I would certainly use some of the van money to pay at least 50% of your friends loans off given they are quite high. I am absolutely going to be using some of the March money towards debt. I would like to pay off anything outside of Stepchange as fast as possible. 

What is the breakdown of that £970 towards bills every month?  Does that include the £350 to stepchange? 
I will be posting an April SOA shortly once all the figures are finalised. Stepchange is currently set at £99 per month - the other £250 is me paying Mayglothing (£35) Friend One (£71) and repaying smaller debts that have acrrued. I would like to increase the amount I am paying towards Stepchange, but will wait until I know what my wage increase is. At that point, assuming that it is an extra £3000, that would be approximately £100 extra a month income that could go towards Stepchange. And once Mayglothling is paid off, I will be upping the SO to Friend One to clear that quicker. 

@Kim_13As of next month there is £30 a month going to Mini Fox pot, so that will hopefully cover any school trips and replacing things as and when as opposed to having to do it all in one go twice a year like I do now. 

@iza_belle1thank you for the tip about supermarket - I used to do Tesco/Primark but have stopped going to Tesco. I will have a look when I'm next in Asda and see about multipacks of things. I agree shoes are horrendously pricey, I bought Clarks school shoes back in September and they were ruined by November. She has wide feet so hard to find good sizes that fit comfortably. Add in ND issues and clothes become a minefield. 

@evebemethree return train journeys would be £180. £120 for two journeys if sports aren't on. Trains are infrequent on Sundays and that doesn't account for that the boys live on opposite sides of the City so would also require buses, as well as taking longer. If football started at 10am on sunday they would have to leave the house at 6.30am. Driving by comparison costs £75 for fuel for the full weekend.

foxandflowers

Replies Part Two:: 

Lollyj32 said:

What would you think if your daughter’s father chose to quit work and not pay maintenance? Essentially this is what your husband is allowed to do, you are supporting him being a terrible parent. He isn’t even looking for work- I would have some sympathy if he was or if he even allowed you to claim UC. Let him find the funds for his children’s travel.

My daughter's father owes me £3000 in unpaid child maintenance. He did quit a job because they tried to do a deduction of earnings order on him. He hasn't seen his daughter since January. He is now back in employment and they are doing collect and pay otherwise I wouldn't be seeing a penny of support from him. We contribute towards the boys, and ensure they don't go without, and we cover things for my daughter too. We have informal agreements in place with both the boys' mums, and the older two are adults now. 
Mr Fox may be many things but he is absolutely not a terrible parent. 

foxandflowers

warby68 said:

Don't take this the wrong way Foxy, but have you ever lived within a budget ie living off earned (or other) income only? I don't mean have you done it successfully but it seems a lot of your adult finances have been clouded by inheritance and constant house moves.

Well. I haven't really thought about that before. But realistically, the answer is a pretty firm NO. I went to university and my mum was still alive and could bail me out in an emergency. Then she died and I had a pot I could dip into (with restrictions) that allowed me to be bailed out in emergencies. Then I moved house, and bought a cheaper house and had money left over. Then I moved again at the end of lockdown, and again, had a little money spare. Then I got credit cards because I wanted to see if I could handle them. No surprises, I couldn't because I hadn't changed anything about my perspective to do with money. And then money started running out. And then we moved again, and essentially at this point I have spent all the 'spare' money. There is nothing left. No safety nets, no pots, no anything to fall back on. Which is a disgustingly privileged position to be in at 33 years old, to have made it this far and never had to actually live off my means. 

So I am trying to learn a life skill that I never had any practice inputting. And the dopamine seeking part of me is pretty big. I am chronically impulsive because I exist in a pretty much constant state of apathy. So I probably need therapy. But in the meanwhile, I just want to take control of my finances and live within my means, and pay off my debt, and try and be happy without all of the extra bullshooooooot. Much easier said than done.

iza_belle1

I actually think you're doing really well. You have a large amount of pressure on you, supporting a large household,  paying debts,running vehicles, improving your career, bringing up your daughter. It must have been very hard to lose your Mum at a young age and that support. Please don't be too hard on yourself. X 

lellybun

I think you are doing an incredible job.  You have many demands on you, and you are trying to make sure everyone is kept happy.  

I do worry about how long you can do everything for, and really hope that Mr Fox is able to step up soon and relieve you of so much responsibility. 

Hoping things become easier in the not too distant future. You have lots of support on here, we are all cheering you on from the side lines. X