Diary of a 30-something idiot

warby68

Just been reading your replies today and you mention that you pay towards 2 of the boys under informal arrangements with their mums.

I don't think I've seen this item in the budgets? Apologies if I've missed it.

IdaClaire

foxandflowers said:

Replies Part My daughter's father owes me £3000 in unpaid child maintenance. He did quit a job because they tried to do a deduction of earnings order on him. He hasn't seen his daughter since January. He is now back in employment and they are doing collect and pay otherwise I wouldn't be seeing a penny of support from him. We contribute towards the boys, and ensure they don't go without, and we cover things for my daughter too. We have informal agreements in place with both the boys' mums, and the older two are adults now. 
Mr Fox may be many things but he is absolutely not a terrible parent. 

With respect, your bar is extremely low. He is most certainly a terrible husband and a terrible step father. 

There are several references to “we” in this, Fox. Be under no illusion, there is no “we”. There is only you, holding it all together on a shoe string budget, funding a man-child layabout and his several children. A layabout driving around town in a Mercedes, with a credit card that he periodically maxes out and then hands to you to sort. Rinse and repeat. How could you find such a man even remotely attractive?

It’s “we” when spending the money. It’s you when it comes time to pay the bills. 

Your inheritance. My God, Fox 🙈The moneys bequeathed to you by your parents. I would imagine this money was intended to benefit you, their only daughter and their only granddaughter. A blind man can see that has not happened.

Their money has been spent on a sorry excuse for a man and his various off spring. I still remember last year when they fecked off to the festival, on your dime, getting more money sent by you when they ran out. All the while, you and your little girl were at home having homemade popcorn like it was some sort of big treat. 

Be prepared to answer to your daughter some day. How her grandparents legacy was spent on a waster and his children while she was at home with microwave popcorn. You must do better for her. She is yours. She is the only one that one you owe anything to. Well apart from all the debts you and your other half have racked up. 

I’m sorry to say, I am out. I fear I cannot keep a lid on it any more.
I’m watching a car crash unfold and I am screaming into the abyss to get you to see. You can’t see what we all  can. Or you won’t. 

I wish you luck. Genuinely. You deserve better. You’re daughter certainly does. 

Kim_13

warby68 said:

Just been reading your replies today and you mention that you pay towards 2 of the boys under informal arrangements with their mums.

I don't think I've seen this item in the budgets? Apologies if I've missed it.

I certainly hope Mr Fox is getting some income from somewhere to pay this - it is NOT your responsibility to pay his child maintenance, which is what it is even though he's never given his sons' mothers cause to go through the CMS. If he has no income, no maintenance is due. He clearly gives his time to his sons and that is to his credit.

£30 into a pot for Mini Fox per month makes me sad. I fear that'll be another blown budget, especially as she reaches secondary school age. No amount of money can ever make up for her father picking her up like a toy when he feels like it, yet the small amount that he has to be forced to pay is effectively being shared out among children that you're not legally responsible for. 

Of course as their stepmother you should take an interest in their lives (which clearly you do as you've spoken about how upset you'd be if you never saw them again), pay for incidentals while they are in your care which you do and gifts for Christmas and birthday. Not equal amounts per child, since the boys will also be getting things from their mums. Given the behaviour of Mini Fox's father, equal amounts per child sounds like it translates overall to her getting the least, when as someone else said, she is the only one you owe anything to. A larger amount should be ringfenced for her and her only, building up if not immediately needed. If you have money left in the general pot and want to treat your stepsons, that's great. 

Egoberry

Delurking to say I have read through your whole diary Fox and I am completely floored by your determination and striving to do your best every single day. You are an absolute trooper and it’s so great to see how all of the self-reflection is changing your mindset and helping you take control of spending habits.

At the same time, it is so hard to read about how little support you are receiving from someone who is supposed to be your life partner through thick and thin. I’m afraid to say, if Mr Fox has not worked in over seven years now, and, not only that, but also refuses to sign up for JSA, seek mental health support, or even help you with side hustles, surveys or other ways to make money….this will never change. With the benefit of having read through your whole story in a relatively short time, it’s so clear to see how you have had a conversation with him pretty much every month where he promised a change which has never materialised. In the words of Maya Angelou: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

We are all respectful and supportive of your decisions and understand that there are underlying trauma and mental health challenges at play that will make it difficult to think about these things rationally. But I do really hope you reflect on how your daughter is growing up and how she may perceive this, especially as she will start entering teenage years. Her needs and wishes are still limited when she’s young but I do worry that she may start harbouring resentment and feel like you are choosing to support others at the cost of being able to provide a comfortable living for the two of you.

Everyone has been providing great advice on finances and budgeting and just one suggestion from me - would you consider spending some of the earnings from car sale to try therapy? It’s something that is very easy to always deprioritise amongst other things but it does feel like it would be invaluable to building your self-confidence and working through past experiences.

Either way, I will continue cheering you on with every step and small victory!

lillypoo

Fox. I imagine you might need a hug tonight. Hope you're OK 

backinbusiness

Hi Fox - also delurking to congratulate you on how far you've come - I have to agree with some of the other posters that you should be getting more support from your OH, but it's your relationship and life - your choices.  Keep posting - tons of us are rooting for you on here.  BiB x 

dawnybabes

It’s hard for strangers looking in, we see everything black and white and you’re living it, 

but just remember you are worth much better than this, even if he claimed UC it could make a huge huge difference to all of you. 

Ask yourself if this was mini fox living like this as an adult would you be happy about it ? 

2021rdsunshine

Hi Fox! I have read through all your diary and this is the first time I am making a comment. And that’s because I actually feel quite uncomfortable reading some  of the comments left for you . Yes I might even agree with a few opinions given about some of your life choices and family decisions and yes some things I would do different personally. However, even without knowing you , it’s very clear to me that you are a very intelligent woman and you use  your diary to keep track of your journey and the last thing you need is negativity here. I understand that people care about you but I also believe that you know exactly what is right and wrong in your household and you don’t need people here to almost “shouting “ what they feel is the right way to do things. We all have different ways of dealing with things and while sharing opinions and ideas is very constructive I feel some readers are crossing the line here and I hope that doesn’t make you stop writing and sharing your journey. Xx

CoffeeSonata

Hi Fox. Delurking here also. I have read your diary through slowly since joining the debt free boards and was going to comment with maybe some helpful strategies and some questions. But now is clearly not the time. 

I hope you are ok. 

As @2021rdsunshine said, I’m commenting now because I too am uncomfortable at the friendly fire you are receiving. 

I know people are very concerned and I understand why. I have some concerns also, and worry that unless something gives AND your income increases your situation will not improve.
My heart hurts for you because you do so wonderfully and are so capable and seem to do most everything at times, but you are so hard on yourself about what you should be able
to achieve and when you treat yourself to small things - and it shouldn’t and doesn’t have to be this way. After all that effort you need some tlc, you need some rest and you need some breathing space. And yet after all your achievements and effort and growing, when something happens or it fails (because life happens ) you berate yourself. 

When the issue isn’t often you. It’s the fact that your income is low, and very low when you are also stretching to subsidise part time extra kids on weekends and everything else.That’s before trying to make minimum payments and pay back debts. 

I do understand about the adhd impulse control, and yes mindset work and exercising the no muscles (with yourself and others ) is definitely a thing that can be practised and is necessary. 

But quite a lot of the time this isn’t the issue. 

The issue is the maths doesn’t and won’t math. 

The money you have does not cover what you need to do sometimes let alone the small things you want to do.  

Yet you are so quick to blame yourself.
this is also why some of the more forthright comments made me uncomfortable
for you.  

There are things you need to look at and hard conversations maybe even ultimatums to be had about work and universal credit and if neither of those things happen then what you can pay for and will have to stop paying for, and a mindset shift in the way you maybe approach a partnership that isn’t equal and make sure that in a worse case scenario you and your daughter are secure , housed etc. and you don’t loose any more of your security or inheritance , even for the man you married. 

But I think you mostly know this. It’s just incredibly scary and  daunting. More so with a history of abusive relationship and the resulting trauma. 

You are still in crisis mode all the time.  It’s not so much apathy and something wrong with you as self protection and high alert mode. 

There are absolutely some hard, seemingly impossible choices, and very very careful decisions and planning if you sell the van what to do with the money.  I have a strategy of ‘no sudden movements’. You don’t have to decide now or have a plan. The money isn’t yours yet. 

You don’t know how much you will get.  You can always put it all into a higher interest saving account and more slowly decide what really, really needs to be done with it and what the best use is.when you have it and you know how much 

Make it hard to access and transfer. It gives you time and some pressure off deciding it all now. 

You handle so much. And you are still quite young.  You are definitely heading in a better direction and have achieved a lot.  

You also  know your spouse and your relationship. I know people have some concerns. And  maybe you do too. 

But remember we don’t see everything , 
You need to decide how to handle this in the long term.  

 We are here to support and hopefully encourage (& yes give a reality check. ) 
but you are a capable adult who knows your life best.  

warby68

I should imagine some of our remarks are incredibly confronting. Its very painful having what you probably know reflected back to you. However I hope you also feel the love and support and huge desire for you to succeed as you start the day's slog. 

When it boils down to it, its really quite simple - if you decide to stay as you are in your marriage, then you do need to do quite a bit more work on lifestyle and realistic budgets for the long term. There will be support for you either way.