Diary of a 30-something idiot

dawnybabes

A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, he needs to step up ! He’s just behaving like a toddler who’s been told no more sweets - sometimes you have to say no and rip the plaster off …..

Sarahwithlove

Please please please stick to your guns on this. Your husband is in the wrong here not you. He has had it too easy for far too long and no doubt thinks if he kicks up a fuss you will give in. Please don't. There is nothing wrong with being single, tbh I think it's what you need. You need to be able to regain your self worth and begin to realise that abuse comes in all sorts of forms and just because he doesn't physically abuse doesn't mean how he is acting is OK. What if the roles were reversed and you weren't working and he had the full time job, would you then expect him to do everything else as well and you sit and read books all day? No. You deserve so much more and one day you will meet someone who treats you well and doesn't expect everything from you with nothing in return. It makes me sad that you stay because of the children. Never once have you said you stay because you love him so much you wouldn't know what to do without him. As someone whose parents stayed together for us children I can tell you that the tension and negativity in the air will be effecting them too. You and your daughter both deserve so much better. Yes you will have child care but think of all you spend on him now such as vaping and TV you while have that free to go towards childcare. Please don't let him eat away at your inheritance anymore than he already has. Please cancel his TV and limit his vaping until he has a job. When he has a job he can pay for these things himself. 

CRANKY40

The relationship that you had where you paid for all his stuff and things for his kids is ending. It's up to him whether he wants to start a proper equal adult relationship where you both put into the pot instead of you putting in and him taking out but having toddler tantrums is not the way forward and the sooner he realises that the better. Don't give in - you and your daughter deserve some "fun money" which there will be more of if you stop shelling out for him to sit and do nothing. 

Even my 18 year old son who is at university understands the concept of paying "keep" (and pays it). You are a strong independent woman, you can stand your ground.

MeandO

Further to what sarahwithlove so expertly said, being single is actually quite liberating after a while too. I can guarantee you will be much less stressed and much happier than you are now when you don't have to deal with these silly games any more and you accept that you don't need someone, especially someone who is emotionally abusive. You will also be much wealthier every month - I imagine you would be entitled to Universal credit, especially as a 'lower income', one adult household who pays childcare. You and your daughter will become the loveliest little team of two! Christmas can be daunting, especially the first year of not being in a couple, but like I tell myself now it's just one day and perhaps volunteering locally on the day if you don't have your daughter would be a great way to meet people and do some good at the same time. I appreciate it's probably not what you want to happen, but I think if you end up being single it will be the making of you. I think the strong and independent Fox inside of you (who we all can see) will be allowed to come out and you'll carve a wonderful life for you and your daughter, It surely has to be better than how you're living now. xx

Baileys_Babe

If you do end up single at Christmas and your daughter is with her Dad. Don't dwell on anything that isn't happening instead have a day focused on yourself, your choice of food, your choice of TV programs, your choice of activities, your choice of dress code make the day all about @foxandflowers

Valli

Bluegreen143 said:

I’m thinking about an Amazon ban (except for kindle or audible books which you obviously can’t buy elsewhere, and I’m not likely to trade in my kindle for a different E-reader). It’s crazy how easy it is to just keep buying. No wonder they are such a successful business!

Another option is delete your cards off so you can’t order stuff without having to input everything- gives you a minute to think it through. 

While I see your point re the waste of seven years… you do run the risk of one day saying “I wish I hadn’t wasted 20 years”. Not telling you what to do, just I don’t necessarily think you can decide based on that sunk cost of time. It needs to be the right, supportive, caring relationship for you now. 

our local library does audible books

https://www.derbyshire.gov.uk/leisure/libraries/ebooks/eaudiobooks/eaudiobook-set-up.aspx

jokono

My sister shared this youtube channel with me recently, it's a lady counsellor who has lots of helpful videos, many focusing on setting healthy boundaries. 

Julia Kristina Counselling

in_need_of_direction

just adding my tuppence though not sure it's even worth that.  i found i was less lonely on my own than i had been sharing a house with my ex

slm6002

I found that being single meant I was so much more relaxed (after the initial shock).  No more walking on eggshells and being careful what I was saying in case he decided it was the wrong topic.  The money is controlled now and therefore we have more.  The children can see I am relaxed and happy and that in turn makes them happy.

Don't give up. If he cant be a grown up that is not your fault 

Bluegreen143

Thanks @Valli, but the audio and ebook options are our libraries in my area aren’t great. Particularly for kids’ literature (this is why I buy from audible, for my son who isn’t a fluent reader yet - I don’t actually like audio books myself!). Hopefully others can benefit from things like this in their area! 

Hugs to you Fox, hopefully whatever happens it’s helpful to see that there are many on the forum who have been through it before you and can advise on your best steps. If your husband is going to step up and sort himself out, it sounds like it’s a now or never moment now.