Diary of a 30-something idiot

lucielle

Fox I think I’d have got snippy years ago!!!
L

foxgloves

Now THAT, @foxandflowers, is the kind of assertiveness I've been wanting to hear. You are fretting about a 90 quid coat while someone is happy to smoke your earnings away on fags, while failing to contribute anything at all!
It sounds very much as though you needed a winter coat. As for random impulse buys - I say this as someone who was a money-fritterer for many more years than I've been a debt-free budgeter - is that budgeting properly should eradicate this. For instance, I saw something I wanted recently priced at £79-95. The old me would have bought it there & then. But the reformed budgeting person I've become said "Which part of the budget will this expense be charged to?" There were 3 options:
1. Buffer zone I leave in current account each month. Nope! If I spend this on a non-essential item, then the money available as a 'buffer' is much reduced.
2. Emergency Fund or savings - The item in no way falls into the 'emergency' category & our savings are for our future security so unavailable for everyday spending 
3. House & Garden Savings Pot - Well this is where this type of expenditure should come from. There are sufficient funds in it atm to cover the item, but what if we need it for a much more essential item or a repair? So the item stayed in the shop.
I wish I'd discovered budgeting in my 20s rather than in my 40s, because impulse buys were a big contributor to my debt. Budgeting allocates monthly income to different headings & "stick it on a credit card, loan or overdraft" isn't one of them as that's 'virtual money' which just has to be found from somewhere else. 
I know impulse purchases are only a part of it though & that the bigger issue is your partner being happy to live off your relatively low salary even though it has driven you into debt. This & the budget need tackling in a pincer movement to ensure your savings pot doesn't dwindle away to nothing.
But.....I'm glad you have a warm winter coat.
F x

MeandO

foxandflowers said:

 I want to be in a partnership, not someone else's mum. 

And this is exactly why I divorced my ex husband. 

Fox, I'm glad you're keeping your new coat. I'm just sad that you've had to beat yourself up about it all week when you are single-handedly earning all the money for your household and supporting everyone else, including buying your husband new clothes (which you said need to be returned as they don't fit). Is he beating himself up because you bought him new clothes you can't afford? I very much doubt it. I wonder if his new diet will include the expensive diet food you were paying for previously.

He has no intention of getting a job, otherwise he would have been out there the very next day looking into that course and keeping in touch with the people that offered it to him. Your situation will not change as he won't change, it is only going to get worse as the money rapidly disappears. Just make sure you get out of it before all your money has gone on looking after him and his children and you and your daughter are not left in dire financial straits. I think it's time you stopped making excuses for him, seeing him for what he really is and start thinking about yourself and your daughter and the lovely, so much less stressful life you could be leading.

dreaming

Dear @foxandflowers. I have been reading along since I found your diary a few weeks ago. One of the things I read a couple of weeks ago was that you didn't know how to start the conversation with your partner (again!!) about him contributing to the household expenses. My suggestion is to work out how much he is costing you each month for the things that are solely for his benefit - e.g smoking/sports channels, etc. - then tell him it is going to be reduced by a half or a third from next month (or as soon as you can cancel contracts etc.), and then in 3 months by another (whatever amount you think). I say "tell him" as the time for discussion and negotiation is long gone - if you have sole responsibility for earning the income then you have sole responsibility for saying how it is spent. Then DO IT. Make sure he does not have access to your bank account so he can help himself or give your details to set his own contracts up. I know this is a hard thing to do as I know you want to make everyone happy but as a grown man he is not your responsibility. It will likely cause a lot of ill-feeling  on his side but try to balance that with the amount of ill-feeling that is building up on your side (not to mention the guilt over buying a necessary winter coat).He should be grateful that you have housed, clothed and fed him until now. I do feel he has some underlying problems that he should be seeing a doctor about (maybe depression/autistic traits?) and will hazard a guess that he will refuse to go - just as he seems to refuse to look into claiming JSA. That is still not your responsibility although of course you would want to support (not enable) him, but only after he makes the effort - not when he says he is going to make the effort. Talking the talk is easy (I know - I am always going to start a diet "tomorrow", but that only lets me down, not anyone else!). It is really hard when you care for someone (I was in a similar position myself some years ago), and I know you have a background which seems to make you feel you have to please everyone but you are going to drive yourself into the ground at this rate.

foxandflowers

As an aside, just so I've got it written down somewhere. 
Things to do around the house as a matter of relative priority. 

• Replace kitchen tube lightbulb thing. 
• chase the roofers - broken roof tile needs replacing/fixing ASAP
• Get kitchen man out to measure wall & pay £150 deposit for design. get a new kitchen so i can cook.
• New carpets in 3 2  1 out of 4 bedrooms
• Carpet cleaner for stairs & hallway (bissell green machine? not vax.)
• pay for skip pickup
  
• clean and list navy chesterfield sofa
• chase pickup of 2x black recliners
• build bedroom furniture & make use of empty storage bags under bed for bedding / out of season clothes.
• arrange vinted rail in office room. get listing. 
• buy grass seed for bottom half of garden (turf is too pricey)
• replace upstairs windows (blown/grimy)
• replace conservatory windows (blown)
• new front door (ours is awful, but functional for now)
• take rag bag to sally army drop box
• make sure older kids take their stuff back when they visit because i don't want it
• break down all cardboard and put out with this weeks rubbish 
• return middle boys bike to his house
• replace double sided carpet gripper with one sided gripper in the hallway
• hallway tile paint?
• paint radiators (??? can you strip paint OFF a radiator?)
• remove all the wallpaper from our bedroom / bedroom ceiling / boys room ceiling / office room / kitchen / dining room 
• repaint all walls and ceilings with tar blocking paint
• paint sheds?
• some sort of proper storage system for attic & garage & shed is required.
• sell bread maker and instant pot
• figure out towel storage for bathroom?? 
• fix weirdly leaning brick wall going down steps to house

DECLUTTER

• bathroom supplies
• remaining kitchen boxes
• office storage cupboard
• attic
• garage
• under the bed
• desk drawers
• sideboard in office 

Bluegreen143

Lovely to hear you sounding so assertive, Fox.

I wonder if a reframe may help you deal with any feelings of guilt which hold you back from setting boundaries with your husband. 

It may seem like you’re being kind and supportive to him right now. But I firmly believe that no man can really thrive lazing about being a burden to others and not contributing to the best of their ability (the same for women but I think it’s especially so for men due to societal messaging they tend to receive). 

To live as he is… it will be eating away at his own confidence and his own level of happiness and fulfilment even if that isn’t apparent on the surface. 

So don’t feel, when you are setting boundaries, that you’re being petty or unkind or mean or stingy. 

As well as protecting yourself and your daughter, you’re also doing a kindness to your husband by no longer enabling him to live at less than his full potential. It’s actually in HIS best interest, as well yours and your daughter’s, for him to start providing and contributing to your household and to start supporting himself and his kids. 

It will surely benefit his own children too, for there to be more money available in the family budget. Whereas the present situation benefits no-one. 

This might or might not be a helpful reframe to you but I think sometimes looking at the situation from a different angle can help a lot. 

If you ever have any free time, I’d recommend listening to some of Ramit Sethi’s podcasts where he coaches couples through how to communicate about money and work their joint finances. Many of them focus on quite wealthy people so may not be super relevant but others have people who are in debt. Tbh I find them all fascinating and also helpful in thinking through my own marriage and money situation. 

foxandflowers

TK Maxx returns done. £49.99 back, only I picked my daughter up a proper winter coat while I was in there for £16.99 so £33 back on my card and that’s a third of the money I needed for my coat splurge. I hope the coat fits her! If not it will also be going back x

Humdinger1

It is utterly fab to see you asserting yourself @foxandflowers! I couldn't agree more with @Bluegreen143 too re your husband's self-worth too.  We are all here rooting for you.  Love Humdinger xx 

ET22

Ive just read your diary. Its inspiring to see how you have carried on despite the difficulties you have faced and held down a full time job.You have a plan in place for your debt, you have moved home. It seems you are beginning to feel like youre able to put boundaries in place. You deserve a massive well done on how you started and what you have achieved to date. I will follow your diary, cheering you on from the sidelines. Take care xx    

foxandflowers

Good morning friends.

I have had a breakthrough. 💡💡💡💡💡💡💡💡

Mr Fox has said he will do the course. The next online one isn't until December, but it's 2 months and that will give him time to get his fitness up, and sort his head out so he is ready. I'm also going to apply for his personal license so he can apply for bar work as there is a massive new bar opening in our town. That way there are two qualifications by the new year, and no shortage of opportunity to come his way, aka, he had really better do SOMETHING or I am going to be totally over the whole situation.


Also, I have finally figured out why budgets haven't worked for me. 

I love a good spreadsheet. I will spend ages colour coding and playing with formulas etc. I've been making budget planning spreadsheets since 2015...  But the trouble is I will spend ages doing all that, feel really pleased with myself, and then totally forget about it because it doesn't track my spending. Monzo's feature of budget pots was sort of helpful with this, in that at least I knew what amount my bills were, so those were getting paid. But I've never really looked at what I'm actually spending, only what I would ideally like to spend. So I guess you can say I had my head firmly in the sand. Absolute o s t r i c h.

I spent a lot of time researching and watching videos last night, and I think I've finally cracked it. I have a spreadsheet that tracks EVERYTHING, and then breaks it into categories. I was curious as to how close I am to the 50/30/20 method of budgeting, and I am WAY off the mark. Embarrassingly so. Going to have a long look at the non essential bills because we have subscriptions coming out of our ears that have crept up from somewhere. 

I've added a shortcut to my phone homescreen (with a cute icon so I want to click on it.) I've added "Daily expenses check in" to the stupid self care bird app that I use. And now I'm telling all of you so you can keep me accountable as well. 

I am £802.34 over budget each month.
Starting on the 26th October (next payday) I will aim to cut £600 off that, and make £200 in side hustles. And maybe for the first time in my adult journey, I will be able to balance the books. And then if Mr Fox gets a job, I can throw lots extra at the debt and into savings, and if he doesn't, I will be okay as well.