Diary of a 30-something idiot

foxandflowers

Hi Lucille,

No I shouldn't think I'd qualify. The citizens advice page says: To get PIP you must find it hard to do everyday tasks or get around because of a physical or mental condition. and realistically, I don't find it hard. Just overwhelming sometimes. But I think everyone has days like that. 

WinterWarrior

embracing our weirdness is so hard, but essential. We are all odd in our own ways. Learning to love yourself for who you are is an important step in realising your own worth and looking after yourself. Well done on doing the breakdown, it’s always tricky at the beginning. 

stymied

“I feel like I spend my whole life pretending to be normal, except when I'm alone. But other than that, no it probably wouldn't do much for me. Sometimes I feel like a total alien, so it would be nice to know why.” Totally agree with this! Sometimes I (silently) congratulate myself for getting through an interaction ‘normally’.

Your initial SOA showed a deficit just for day to day expenses and you can’t keep going forever just by selling stuff. Is moving house the plan for closing the day to day gap? (Not using money from the house sale just on income vs expenditure) Or do you have an alternative plan? Claiming the benefits your household is entitled to sounded like the happy path but I understand it’s a battle x

foxandflowers

Hi @stymied
Glad I am not the only alien. My husband often has to quietly mention to me what is expected of a social interaction, I just hate them. I'm great at work, because I know the persona to play, and I'm great with my really old friends who I've known since secondary school. But I find new friendships incredibly difficult, cannot stand to make eye contact when I talk to people, struggle to communicate especially about serious things, am passive to a point of uselessness and generally am exhausted and overwhelmed by any sort of socialising and need days to recover. Which generally makes me feel like an absolute stranger on this planet, where everything seems focused on DOING THE THINGS with people. I sort of put it down to pretty extreme introversion, but there is definitely an inkling it is probably more than that. 

Anyway. 

Long term, the problem will be solved by us moving (I hope). The new house should be cheaper to run once renovated, has a lower council tax bill due to being end terrace rather than detached, will necessitate lower spending on fuel as the van will only be used at the weekends (school and shops are within walking distance during the week - and I will get the train to work), has many more free activities in the vicinity of the house, more space for the kids, and hopefully more for me and husband to do, both together and independently, which will hopefully help with the mental health aspect. Being so isolated where we are now is causing all sorts of problems emotionally, and probably contributes to financial problems also, as we are both inclined to spend on new shinies when we feel low. Trouble is, we a) haven't got the money to do that, b) haven't got the space to keep accumulating things and most importantly c) it doesn't actually fix anything.

The last eight weeks of being near the breadline have been pretty illuminating in terms of figuring out what our habits and triggers are. Husband said yesterday to me that he would like to go for the whole of 2024 without buying anything new. I was so happy to hear that, because I love a good second-hand bargain, but it also means he is less likely to impulse shop. We no longer really get takeaways, are much better at researching before purchasing, returning unsuitable items, and generally trying to find more free ways to spend time together. So that is all positives. But I am rather tired of being so broke, and it's only just really begun. Stepchange is giving me TWENTY years before I'm debt free. I'm hoping to at least half that over the coming years. 

SuzeQStan

Hey there F&F - good to hear the positives - hold on to these.  It’s great to hear you sounding in control and very happy to hear your OH is on side as well.  You deserve all of his support and more - big hugs to you xx SQS

Whiterose23

So the husband is not only still refusing to work and do his bit, but is now suggesting to you that you’re autistic?

Are you sure this isn’t a form of control or gaslighting? You’re probably struggling because you’re depressed at your situation and exhausted at taking on all the responsibility for working and paying for everything as well as supporting him and his offspring.

Do you honestly think taking on a renovation project is wise? Given that he probably won’t lift a finger to help and you’re already completely run off your feet. Not forgetting the unseen costs that come with doing up a property.

It pains me to read your posts and see that you’re not addressing the elephant in the room.

I really hope you find the strength soon to get out of the situation you’re in. Your debt is huge and you’ll soon run out of stuff to sell. It’s a big enough debt for two people, let alone one.

Valli

£80 pcm vaping = £960 pa

That would pay off JD Williams.  

Did you check whether he can transfer his tax allowance to you?

foxandflowers

Happy midweek.

I have calculated that I have withdrawn £420.68 from Vinted sales so far this month. Unbelievable. I thought at most I'd get £150, but I still have 176 items to sell that are listed on there, and a couple of bags of clothes left to photograph. Hoping I'll hit £600. I've made more than £420 but I've bought a couple of bits, and I'm really excited for them to arrive. Am going to institute a new rule for my wardrobe, one in, two out. That way I will never get to the point where I am overwhelmed by choice, or clutter. My best purchase by far was a pair of black run&fly dungarees for £15 (£49 new).

Realised in my large breakdown of what to spend car money on/what debts to repay, I entirely missed out paying to fix the van. Oops. Either way, that should be £3-400 out of what I had left, and there will still be enough to have an emergency fund. 

Anyway, I guess based off the car selling this weekend, it's time to do an updated budget for March/April. I posted the most recent debt figures a page or so back. 

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 2
Number of children in household......... 6
Number of cars owned.................... 1
Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 1518
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 82
Other income............................ 120 (thanks to direct pay, I can now rely on this! yay!)
Total monthly income.................... 1720
Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Council tax............................. 200 (including repayments for tax year 23/24)
Electricity............................. 80 (govt help)
Gas..................................... 0
Oil..................................... 0 (I am going to do a one time topup when car sells, then that will be it until we move)
Water rates............................. 18
Telephone (land line)................... 10
Mobile phone............................ 45 (huge reduction - woo!)
TV Licence.............................. 14
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 99 (Sky Glass, our other TV broke in a spectacular fashion)
Internet Services....................... 48 (we live rurally, i had to pay this much to be able to
work from home)
Groceries etc. ......................... 300
Clothing................................ 0
Petrol/diesel........................... 300 (weekly commuting, plus weekends driving the kids places - they live 2 hours away)
Road tax................................ 20 (van)
Car Insurance........................... 25 (van)
Childcare/nursery....................... 0 (we don't have room in the budget to keep this)
Buildings insurance..................... 15
Entertainment........................... 60 (netflix, spotify, brownies subs)
RAC..................................... 9.5 (a must as our van is 15 years old)
Vaping ........... £40

Total monthly expenses.................. 1802.5   1283.50 
Debts: 

Marbles, Capital One, Capital One (P.O.) Moorcroft, NCO/Arrow, Vanquis Loan, Asset Collections, PRA, Bip, JD Williams  ....... all with Stepchange £115
Friend Two.....................500
Friend One.....................5320
Mayglothling Waste.............930.......40
Council Tax....................1200......50
Student Finance................2200......5

Debt repayments: £200 
Chimney Sweep............100... paid off!
Electrician....................350...paid off! 
Friend 3......... paid off!
Income:  1720
Outgoings: 1483.50 
Leaving approx £235 spare in the budget each month. I mean I know it says spare, but I am also aware with the upcoming move that that will go towards my travel costs twice a week to/from work. So it will probably be less than that. But honestly, I'm really really proud of myself. I was £82.50 short on my initial SOA to even pay the bills and £675 short when it came to debt repayments. And okay, some things have been sacrificed - most recently and notably, we now have no oil left so no hot water until the car sells. And not having a car is going to be a pain. But I am so relieved. Hopefully I can start building an emergency fund and pay my friends back / pay off the council tax debt / student finance debt / waste management debt. So once the new budget is up and running my priorities are going to be knocking that first £930 off, I think. And then we will go from there. 

The larger emergency fund I can build, the better, especially with the move and the inevitable extras that come with a renovation. 

That's all for today.

PS.
Regarding the "elephant in the room", yes, my marriage is not perfect. And yes, I really need to learn to put myself first, and put my foot down with certain things. But it is my situation at the moment, and I don't think it is going to change until I learn to make myself happy, and do things that are within my control. It might not be to everyone's liking on here, but the reality is, that I am the one living this life. And I have to come to terms with that. I really do appreciate everyone looking out for me, and I am taking your comments on board. 

SuzeQStan

Well done on the Vinted sales that’s brilliant! And such good news about the money you are getting from your ex now too. And well done on the revised SOA showing what you have achieved - some breathing room! 

Sorry to hear about the hot water situation - hope the car sells quickly so you can get the oil.

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone - it’s your business and you know what works best for you.

take care xx SQS

jak

I'm glad to hear things are improving. We all have to make sacrifices on the debt free journey and it sounds like you are doing really well. Great new budget. I also spy that vaping costs have reduced, which is great. Like you say, it's your life and you have to do what's right for you. You clearly love your husband so I hope all goes well for you. If, at any point, you want to talk about anything, feel free to message me. Oooh and please keep posting. I'm rooting for you!
JAK
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