Diary of a 30-something idiot

CRANKY40

Throwing him out doesn't mean that you won't see his kids any more. He is setting them a shocking example by the way. The money that you don't have to waste on his vapes will pay for extra childcare. You found the energy to chuck him out once. Dig deep and do it again. When my sister's horrible ex husband was vanquished from the house she was a bit confused at first but three months later when she was back to her normal self she said it felt like she was brainwashed into accepting his terms and conditions of them living together. She's never gone back to that time of misery. She has a really nice husband now who is so lovely that my niece named her son after her stepdad rather than her bio dad. 

You sound depressed (no wonder). Maybe go to the doctors and see what they can do to help? You obviously, not with chucking Mr Useless out.

wildheart83

Just wanted to say hello. Have just read your diary from the beginning and I'd absolutely telling DH where to go. No one has the right to make you feel the way you are, nor have they the right to treat you so appallingly. You're not the unpaid skivvy, and you deserve so much more than this existence. 
Sending you lots of love and hugs x

jak

Hiya,
I just wanted to say, I hope you come back soon. We miss you. I hope you're alright?
JAK
x

pennywisepoundstupid

Oh my goodness, sweetheart i really am lost for words as to how you are being treated.

 So let me get this straight, you work full time,pay all the bills/household stuff and deal with any unexpected financial issues, do the brunt of the housework, do all the childcare and everything else that goes with raising a child, deal with all the issues and dramas that life inevitable throws at you, YOU pay for all the little luxuries that your OH wants (yes vaping and protein stuff is a luxury) and basically run around like a blue a**ed fly whilst he sits on his backside giving his orders and demands and behaving like a stroppy spoilt child when his demands aren't met or things are not going the way he likes. Please tell me what he brings to your life because he is not behaving like a loving supportive partner. This is not a normal loving relatonship, in fact i would go as far as to say it is controlling and abusive.

I would also really think about taking on a huge project of renovating a house, that is a hard task when you are both fully up for hard work and singing off the same hymn sheet.

I hope you are ok and don't think i'm being unkind but you really do deserve more than this.

Take care xx

fantasyvsreality

I would echo @pennywisepoundstupid about buying the house together. I really feel for how you are being treated by your OH and I am concerned that the house won't get renovated by him and all the associated costs of materials etc. will make life even harder. I know in my life the fantasy of how something might be e.g. when we do this, or have this, we will be happier and things will be better, never really materialises in reality. 

foxandflowers

Hi everyone, 

Sorry I've been off for a bit. I've had a lot going on, as per usual and my head has been in the proverbial shed. I'm the only one in the office today, so am going to try and write a nice long post and catch you all up. 

I want to say firstly, thank you all so much for your kindness and concern. It has given me a lot of strength to know that there are people rooting for me, and I was able to talk to my husband frankly and honestly about the situation we are in, and that he needs to pull his weight, because I can't do everything myself any more. He has agreed to help around the house during the day, so that I have less to do in the evenings, and has given me some of his things to sell that I didn't think he would part with but should raise some good funds. I don't know if the helpfulness will last, but I'm aware of that now I guess. So if things head south again, I will be able to point to the conversation we had as a reason why I've had enough. 

We all went out on Saturday. First we walked the dog up the mountain, and then caught the bus to town to have a cheap meal in Wetherspoons, and then mooch around the charity shops. Probably ill-afforded, but greatly needed. Lunch for three of us came to £20, and I had my first glass of wine of the year. I found a couple of books in the charity shops and a Harry Potter version of snakes and ladders that my daughter got for £2. It was nice. Sunday I deep cleaned the house, and then started listing things on Vinted and FB marketplace. 

I am currently £122.12 up on Vinted.  I still have lots left to sell, and my goal is going to be £250 minimum this month, of which about £200 is going into the savings account.

My savings account from the auto-round-up currently has £26.96 in it. Which is more than I've ever had in savings that I haven't touched. I don't know how long it will be sitting there, because tonight I have to pay for the new tyre. We have agreed that once the car is fixed, we will book the van in for the alternator, and take the car to webuyanycar the day before. Not only will that free up some much needed cash, but it will also save me £55 a month going forward, as we will only be running the van.

The mechanic that is coming to do the tyre should be able to squeeze the van in within the next fortnight, which is great, because every other garage is looking at more than a month's wait. He's also local, and because he's independent, I'm hoping cheaper than places like Quick Fitters. Anyway, once the car is sold I can pay off a couple of the smaller debts that haven't been absorbed by Stepchange such as the electrician. And I can put some money into an emergency fund, so if things go south again (which honestly, they are likely to) I can afford to rectify the situation. And get the ball rolling on the house purchase. 

Monzo continues to be life saving. I've set up a Bills pot, and put the money for the bills in there, and it takes it from that pot instead of my main account. So what is in my main account is what I actually have to spend for the month on things like food/fuel etc. Revolutionary. I know most people can manage to do this by themselves, but I really can't, so it's very nice to know that my bills are actually taken care of rather than my impulsivity creating problems. 

The early mornings sans-car have been tough. We leave at 7.20am to walk 2 miles to the bus stop. It has been cold and rainy for the most part. I haven't put little one in after school club this week, so I am leaving work early each day, which is lovely, but hammering my flexi. I have to book time off for the upcoming Easter holidays too, and I have to be off next Monday morning for my appointment at the b00b clinic (I am amazed at how quickly the appt came through!). Luckily because it's cancer related, I don't have to take leave for the appointment. 

My little one has been really good, waking up early and getting herself dressed. She tries so hard to make me happy. Now if only she could remember please & thank you, I'd feel like I wasn't a total failure as a parent. Because I finish early today, I'm hoping to do some baking with her, and maybe a mini spa evening for her, with a face pack and a manicure. Present parenting can be so hard, and I'm really not making enough of an effort consistently. Husband has said rather than put her in after school club, once the van is fixed, he will take her to the park in town for the hour after she finishes school before I finish work. Free entertainment! And potentially another £120 saved. 

I think I will have to re-do the SOA for April. 

slm6002

It is good to hear from you and to hear you are well.  Make sure you keep OH on his toes as this is his 3rd chance.  I am glad he is now listening and helping out.

A saving of £120 is great is after school is not needed.  If she still needs some extra interaction with other children even a small amount of that is good to find a weekly club of some kind.

Great to hear Monzo is working for you.  If it helps then that is what counts.  Glad you are also having some luck selling bits too.  It all sounds very positive

JillyC8

foxandflowers said:

I want to say firstly, thank you all so much for your kindness and concern. It has given me a lot of strength to know that there are people rooting for me, and I was able to talk to my husband frankly and honestly about the situation we are in, and that he needs to pull his weight, because I can't do everything myself any more. He has agreed to help around the house during the day, so that I have less to do in the evenings, and has given me some of his things to sell that I didn't think he would part with but should raise some good funds. I don't know if the helpfulness will last, but I'm aware of that now I guess. So if things head south again, I will be able to point to the conversation we had as a reason why I've had enough. 

Present parenting can be so hard, and I'm really not making enough of an effort consistently. Husband has said rather than put her in after school club, once the van is fixed, he will take her to the park in town for the hour after she finishes school before I finish work. Free entertainment! And potentially another £120 saved. 

I think I will have to re-do the SOA for April. 

So the only vague positives you've got from this conversation are:

-he'll 'help around the house during the day', 
-he's 'given you some of this things to sell'.
-he'll take your daughter to the park for an hour after school

-Why isn't he getting a job?
-Why isn't he selling his things himself during the day?
-Why isn't he acknowledging that as you work and he doesn't, the household chores are HIS responsibility every day, no questions asked?

He sounds useless and not worth the effort. Sorry to be so blunt. It's scary facing life as a single person to start with but I can promise you it opens up a whole new world of opportunities. Get rid of the parasite and show your daughter that it is not a normal or acceptable way to live, otherwise she might make all the same mistakes.

poppy811

Totally agree with above poster.  Get rid.

WinterWarrior

fully agree with @JillyC8. It feels like he’s ducking and diving here. He needs to get a job now and contribute. I’m sure we’d all love to help out with our own housework and play in the park for an hour. It feels more like delaying tactics than a solution. Sorry if that sounds mean, I really don’t mean to be. 
Fabulous news that Monzo is working so well and your trip out and weatherspoons sounded lovely.