Diary of a 30-something idiot

foxandflowers

Have just come back from lunch. Am still not speaking to the husband. 

Went to post a vinted parcel, and get some dog food (kibble to add to the raw to make it go further). Also trawled all seven charity shops to try and find a St David's Day costume for Wednesday, no luck. Ended up getting one for £20 from the market, but at least I bought it a size up so it will fit next year. The lady serving me gave me a free daffodil pin too.  Last year I forgot entirely and drew a very wonky flag on an old white tshirt. This year I am slightly more prepared. Probably would have been a bit cheaper to go supermarket, but I can't walk that far on lunch break and can't go after work on account of having no car once again and having to get the bus. Did find a Next jumper for £2.50 and a gorgeous embroidered Adidas jacket for £3.50, so bought those both, and an unused animal colouring book, which I got for the little one. Am trying very hard to not feel guilty about it, but also recognise that I probably wouldn't have bought the jumper if I wasn't so angry. Admittedly, the jacket still would have come home with me, because it is perfectly my style, and its on poshmark for £75.

Suppose I'll go home and list more clothes on vinted and hopefully recoup some money. I shouldn't feel this bad about a whole £6 on myself, but I do. I work so hard, and do everything for everyone, and bend over backwards to make sure nobody goes without (except me) so now I am just sat here feeling guilty and rubbish. 

I am fully aware life would be a lot cheaper without the husband, but it also would mean I'd never see the kids again, and they are honestly my favourite people on the planet.

slm6002

How old are his children?  If teens and you get on well with them they may still want to keep in touch with you even if you are not with their Dad.  I expect they see you do a lot for him and them.

I also agree with that walking off and leaving you to deal with the car on your own is very childish.  This was not your fault at all.  What ever good things you are putting in place will not fix things unless OH is on board too and bringing in money either via wages or benefits.

The other day you mentioned doing all of the chores after a day of work.  Is it just your daughter that lives with you both or some of OH children?  Are any of them old enough to put a load of washing on or do the washing up, put toys away, strip their beds?.  Even something small would take a little pressure off you.

Karonher

Sorry if this is just piling in on your husband,  but next meal time he would sit down to an empty plate. If you don't put anything into the pot you don't benefit from it. That would go for the vaping as well. 

Humdinger1

@foxandflowers this is completely out of order: your husband's behaviour I mean.  If his kids are in double figures, or even younger, they would be able to see you.  You are worth more than this.  He is a spoiled brat and the youngest of them all. I know it's easy to comment from afar but have you considered working out what the steps would be to move out/separate?  We are all rooting for you love Humdinger xx 

WinterWarrior

I agree with everyone 😁 I really think you need to find your anger, you are worth so much more than this. The best way (and I speak after escaping from many years of ‘much the same treatment’ and being a lot of years out the other side) is to get angry, make a plan (not for him, but for you) and stick to it. If he won’t contribute then it’s time to look after number one. I feel like he’s broken your spirit, but there’s a better life for you at the other side. It may not be quite the life you envisaged, but even if it’s smaller, think of the peace you could have, think how lovely it will be for your future self to go about life without being blamed for every puncture, being able to buy a jumper without worrying, there’s a lovely life out there, you need to just aim for it. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it. 

jusferbrowsing

I second what Winter Warrior has just posted. Your post resonates with me too. I was another in a similar position years back and the erosion of self confidence is just devastating. 

You alone are not responsible for fixing this.
You are entitled to expect more from him.
You need to tackle this together or it will not work.
I second getting angry, you don't need to shout (better if you don't) but he needs some straight talking to or you will break.
His behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to be involved with the household. Do the sums together and come up with a plan of how he can take some of the pressure off you. 

This will probably feel very uncomfortable for you as you have likely been keeping the peace and a smile on your face but this is a situation that needs changing or you will become ill.

You are worth so much more than this.

Valli

In a previous life I had a non-working OH who’d been made redundant (as had I).
A friend got him an interview for a f/t job.  Well, he was offered the job…but didn’t want it.  I tried to persuade him, involved his family to no effect, no he didn’t want it.  It was the beginning of the end for us, fortunately we had no kids.  He thought I wouldn’t be able to cope without him doing the housework.  Lol.

He clearly liked being kept because he met someone else, she worked so he’s been kept ever since as far as I know and he stayed home to bring up the kids they eventually had.

What do YOU want?  If you’re fine with him not bringing in an income then what is his contribution?  What would you like it to be?  

Incidentally, if he has no income or his income is below his personal tax allowance and you are married he can transfer some of his unused tax allowance to you.  Sorry, not sure if this applies to you.

Four_Seasons

I also second WW, you are worth so much more, I speak from experience I was almost 60 when I made the break I so wish I had done it earlier.  You can't carry on as you are you will be poorly, thinking of you and sending positive vibes x

foxandflowers

Hi, thank you for all your lovely comments. It is interesting to note, that I am pretty much incapable of feeling anger of any kind. I just cry instead, because I cannot cope with the feeling. Years of previous trauma I suppose. Objectively speaking I know this is not normal, and it shouldn't be like this. We are still not really talking. He told me yesterday that I had to get the van fixed, and when I tried to point out that it would make much more sense to fix the car as it is so much cheaper to run, he said that fixing the car only benefited me, not him, and if the van was fixed he wouldn't have to be at home for the next two weeks. That was about the only conversation that we had. I think he underestimates how stubborn I can be, I will not be speaking first. I still haven't rung anyone to fix anything. 

He also moaned that there was no food in the house. He has his food, but he didn't think there was anything to feed my little one. So last night when I finally got in from work, shortly after this conversation, I made invisible jacket potatoes, with invisible tuna mayonnaise, and invisible carrot sticks. Then I watched an hour of The Last of Us (outstanding) on the invisible telly, under an invisible blanket that had a strong suggestion of dog about it, then did the invisible loads of laundry that were downstairs, three bags of invisible ironing, and then was feeling thoroughly exhausted, so had an invisible cup of tea before getting into bed with an audiobook. I was asleep when he came to bed, and out of the house by 7.15 this morning to catch the bus. 

I don't mind so much that he isn't bringing in the income, what I mind is that he is expectant. The magic fairies will do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the large majority of childcare, put fuel in the vehicles, pay the bills, buy his clothes, negotiate lower rates on insurances, get the food shopping, order the nicotine, clean the dog mess off his trainers when he doesn't look where he's going... and there is not really anything in return. He gives me a lift to work and back when the car works, and makes the bed, and somehow thinks that is equal, when frankly, it is not even the bare minimum. We had an absolutely enormous fight at the beginning of December and I actually kicked him out. He promised to change. He did, for about ten days. He says to leave him a list of things to do, and there is a list on the side of the fridge of daily tasks, but he doesn't think that applies to him? And I don't have the energy to try and delegate responsibilities for someone who can't be bothered to remember to feed the dogs, and complains he has nothing to do and is bored, when he spends his life on the Playstation or watching movies/sports, while I do all the work, and then complaining when it isn't done perfectly, or to his liking, or on his timescales.

Anyway.

Today on lunch I will go and do a bit of food shopping, then after work get DD from after school club, get the bus home, probably be confronted by a pile of washing up, and hopefully find time to get things listed online, make flapjacks and pineapple upside down cake (more invisible food), and sew the badges on DD Brownie uniform (if I can find them) before Brownies tomorrow. I have managed to pay the water bill, some of my phone bill, the RAC, the DVLA, the electric, and the first stepchange payment so far, and my bank account is still looking relatively healthy. I think coming here and typing to you all is helping me see that the money in my account isn't actually disposable, and does have places it needs to go. I'm trying very hard to act as though I haven't been paid at all. And once the majority of the bills have exited stage left, I will see what we have left to fix the car. 

Debsnewbudget

sending hugs.
Look after yourself and be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.