Diary of a 30-something idiot

Debsnewbudget

When my dh gave up work he said it was only fair for him to take over the house whilst I was still working.
he did the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. It made my life so much easier. However I did have to learn to lower my standards 😂
A partner should enhance your life.  Is there nothing in that list of chores you have completed that could be done by your dh? 

Can you at least share the chores equally? People used to say to me, oh you are lucky,  my husband cannot iron/clean/cook, and I used to reply well he hasn't had enough practice then 😂. 

With regards to playing on your phone, can you at least set a timer for 30 mins play, 30 mins do something useful, 30 mins play etc?

kiss_me_now9

Hi F+F, just wanted to pop in. 

I wonder if you might find it useful to compartmentalise your money? This is something I have done for a long time and it makes me stop spending on random bits and bobs if there's not money there to do it. Basically I would say "anything earnt from Vinted goes straight into the Vinted earnings pot" and that's non-negotiable, it's not there for snacks or treats, only for (for example) dog related emergencies. As soon as that parcel leaves my hands that money is in the Vinted pot and it only comes out when I've got a dog related emergency to pay for. It disappears, if you will, until needed. Another way of doing it is to allocate a small amount to a non-essential spending area and once that's gone, it's gone. Might be teaching you to suck eggs so I apologise if you already try that but it's something that stuck out to me. This works well for me because my object permanence is utterly !!!!!! and out of sight means it's completely out of mind  

I agree with Debs above me, husbands shouldn't be a silent partner in a household, especially if they're not working as much as you. If nothing else, what kind of lesson is your daughter learning there? That Mum does all the housework, manages the money, gets the groceries in, goes out to work during the day and Dad does... what he fancies? I wouldn't worry too much about her socialisation, kids will catch up really fast when she gets into school especially. The best thing you can do is notice there's a problem - which you have! - and put something in place to remedy it. Even if it's making plans to start taking her to the park every Saturday afternoon for half an hour rather than sitting in the living room playing on a tablet before dinner. 

foxandflowers

Debsnewbudget said:

When my dh gave up work he said it was only fair for him to take over the house whilst I was still working.
he did the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing. It made my life so much easier. However I did have to learn to lower my standards 😂
A partner should enhance your life.  Is there nothing in that list of chores you have completed that could be done by your dh? 

Can you at least share the chores equally? People used to say to me, oh you are lucky,  my husband cannot iron/clean/cook, and I used to reply well he hasn't had enough practice then 😂. 

With regards to playing on your phone, can you at least set a timer for 30 mins play, 30 mins do something useful, 30 mins play etc?

Hi Deb, 

He goes through phases honestly. Sometimes he realises how close to burn out I am and pitches in to help, but not other times. He's probably pretty severely depressed if I'm honest, but because he is absolutely anti-GP I can't get him any help. Obviously men don't have feelings and it's much easier to ignore them if you don't tell people how utterly miserable and hopeless you feel. The trouble is, I am running out of sympathy a bit, because I also feel low and rubbish daily, but still find time to do the ironing, and make dinner, and run the hoover, and list things for sale, and clean the kitchen and parent and just... It is starting to feel unfair. I will mention a division of labour again, and see if I can make a list or something. At the moment the most I get is that he makes the bed. 

With regards to my phone... I probably am not as bad on it as I could be. But it is still too much, and teaching little eyes bad habits. I am just so tired all the time that it is mindless entertainment. But yes, timers would help hugely. At the moment I'm trying to keep it in my work bag until all my adulting is done for the evening. 

foxandflowers

kiss_me_now9 said:

Hi F+F, just wanted to pop in. 

I wonder if you might find it useful to compartmentalise your money? This is something I have done for a long time and it makes me stop spending on random bits and bobs if there's not money there to do it. Basically I would say "anything earnt from Vinted goes straight into the Vinted earnings pot" and that's non-negotiable, it's not there for snacks or treats, only for (for example) dog related emergencies. As soon as that parcel leaves my hands that money is in the Vinted pot and it only comes out when I've got a dog related emergency to pay for. It disappears, if you will, until needed. Another way of doing it is to allocate a small amount to a non-essential spending area and once that's gone, it's gone. Might be teaching you to suck eggs so I apologise if you already try that but it's something that stuck out to me. This works well for me because my object permanence is utterly !!!!!! and out of sight means it's completely out of mind  

I agree with Debs above me, husbands shouldn't be a silent partner in a household, especially if they're not working as much as you. If nothing else, what kind of lesson is your daughter learning there? That Mum does all the housework, manages the money, gets the groceries in, goes out to work during the day and Dad does... what he fancies? I wouldn't worry too much about her socialisation, kids will catch up really fast when she gets into school especially. The best thing you can do is notice there's a problem - which you have! - and put something in place to remedy it. Even if it's making plans to start taking her to the park every Saturday afternoon for half an hour rather than sitting in the living room playing on a tablet before dinner. 

Hi Kiss, 

Thanks for the advice, not teaching anyone to suck eggs, I freely admit I have zero control over my finances and no clue where to start, so all advice that isn't scream into a pillow for five minutes in total meltdown mode before carrying on with your day is gratefully appreciated. I am hoping that switching to Monzo should help with that, at least a little bit. The fact I can see a list of what bills still need to come out is excellent. It stops the "Oh well I've got money in my account so I can spend all of it". Maybe a good idea would be to leave the Vinted money on the app, rather than withdrawing it immediately. It's five days until payday, so it would be nice to get through March without having to dip into extras. I am also doing my best to ignore my savings pot - it rounds up every purchase to the nearest pound and transfers the remainder over. There is only about £3 in there, but it's £3 more of savings than I had before. Compartmentalising is an excellent idea. 

slm6002

Maybe the fact your OH is feeling low is because he cant see his purpose in life.  By giving him some of the responsibilities might help him to feel like he is providing for the family. 

Can he cook and does he know how to turn the washing machine etc on?  If not he may be too embarrassed to admit it.  If he doesn't perhaps a quick offer to show him next time you do it.  Get him involved with the meal planning so he can see what money is being spent - and allocate certain days to him to cook.  And make sure to thank him (men seem to need that).

It is hard work being a single mum when you seem to have an extra child rather than a partner to share the load (I know).

Re the money - keep that £3 in the savings.  However small it is still the beginning of a savings pot.

Keep going, you are doing well

JillyC8

Why is your OH still not working or contributing in any way? And why is he continuing to vape when there’s no money available? (Not to mention the impact on his health).

Crazycatlady2

Had a quick skim of your post and I hope you don’t mind me commenting. If your husband is not earning then is it due to health issues as can claim some benefits for that or UC while he job searches or is they anyone disabled he can be a carer for and claim carers allowance? 

I’m sorry but I’m struggling to see how you sort all this out without him bringing money in some way. If I understand right that is if not I apologise but you are spending more than can afford to without even taking into account paying debts. 

We are a 1 income household as I am my sons carer and then we get benefits top up

also are any of kids at home older and earning so can pay board? 

foxandflowers

Tell me why I don't like Mondays.

Handbrake is jammed on the car, and the rear tyre has a puncture. Husband is throwing a right strop and after leaving me at the garage to walk the rest of the way to work and driving home, he is now refusing to check if there is a spare tyre in the boot. So I am not going to speak to the RAC until I've caught the bus home and checked for myself at the end of the day. I am sick to my back teeth of things going wrong, and I don't think it's entirely fair that I'm catching the blame for it. Admittedly I have been delaying sorting the brake out, because I couldn't afford it, but the tyre was nothing to do with me. So back to early morning starts to get the bus in time to get the little one to school on time. And I guess not working from home until the car is fixed. 

I got paid this morning, so that was nice. At least I can "afford" to get new tyres. It just means I can't pay the legal fees on the bridging loan, or anything else that I was hoping to sort. And my hair appointment will have to wait. I've only been waiting for it since November, another couple of months won't really make a difference I suppose. 

I've had a really nasty eye infection and a uti over the weekend, so have generally been feeling pretty lousy. I went to the doctors, and was prescribed eye drops and antibiotics, but the doctor also wants to refer me to the b00b clinic for a scan. So that is really weighing on me.  

And to those asking how I make things work, when we are spending more than we make without even considering the debt repayments etc. I don't. Which is one of the reasons I am here. Mostly I just don't eat very much, use hot water bottles liberally, sell anything I can from around the house, and hope I don't wake up again. 

PS. Quick Fitters are quoting £740 to come to my house and fit the tyres. That's just great. 

jokono

It is not your fault. It is not your fault.

And even if it was, a partner should help and support you, not leave you alone to deal with it yourself while also looking after him and his kin.

You are doing everything you can to keep things afloat, you are fighting this with all your might, you are not to blame. He needs to step up and help you (not just you, both of you) get out of this mess.

I am really sorry you are feeling this way. It is really hard to go through this and have no support at all. Have you told the dr how you're feeling? Talking to someone would help at least to get it all out. Writing it down here helps of course, but saying it out loud uses different parts of the brain, the saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved' is true. 

Sending hugs and wishing you find strength. ♥️

SuzeQStan

F&F - you need respite from this constant money stress.  

No one knows you better than you - but if it was me I’d be telling OH to pack up and move out or get off his !!!!!! and GET A JOB. There are literally thousands of jobs out there and ok maybe some are doing stuff maybe your OH doesn’t want to do but at the moment he is no better than a parasite perpetuating & doubling the money stress you are under at the moment. 

Am seeing red at the thought of him leaving you to walk to work. Childlike behaviour.