Feels like im going under!

ET22

BTW, I am a social worker, i have a lot of experience with domestic abuse so please listen to what I am saying xxx

Makingabobor2

Totally agree @ET22. 

triple_choc_chip

Hi Nite Eyes, so sorry to hear things have worsened. Not sure where you’ve gained advice from but your maintenance payments are a percentage of your salary if you go through CMS and that’s it.  If she stays in the house she will need to pay the mortgage using the CMS payment, you won’t have to pay both.  If you pay all the mortgage, it is calculated that she would owe you rent for your half which essentially disqualifies the CMS payment iyswim.  So you would pay one or the other but not both.  

TLDR: Ex/family remaining in the house may be a right but it still needs to be paid for and it’s not all for your responsibility.  Playing hard ball, if you stopped paying any of the mortgage, the house is still 50% yours until it is sold even if she pays 100% of the mortgage.

Same as your debt situation, no-one can take what you don’t have.  Securing a decent home is your 1st priority and a judge would agree that it is reasonable for your kids to have the same standard of living with you as with their mother.

I know you worry about the kids losing out but it wouldn’t be like that because she would have to capitulate,  You just need to find the courage.

lucielle

Hope you find the strength to get through this and move forwards. 

L

in_need_of_direction

Delurking to agree with others.  You really need to take care of yourself and I believe that should start with finding adequate living space.  Have you any friends or family you could stay with? I also think you need to get legal advice.

ET22

NiteEyez, your plan going forward should be:
1. get in touch with a domestic abuse service by phone-today
2. seek legal initial legal advice or arrange this -today
3. Start looking for somewhere to stay- today

If you want things to change, you need to follow the plan.

Your wife isnt going to change, stop waiting for it, it wont happen. 

You have supporters on here, you will have legal advice, you will begin to understand what abuse is, you will have a bed to sleep in. 

Just begin with the above 3 steps. xxx

lucielle

Anything has got to be better than your current situation. You can do this!  

L

Makingabobor2

Please follow the advice @ET22 has given you. 

stymied

How is your monthly budget working out now? Have you managed to rebuild your emergency fund or has it all been consumed by disasters along the way? If you have something in there then I would say this treatment constitutes a valid emergency that you could use it for.

kiss_me_now9

I just wanted to add my two pence worth. 

My Uncle (by marriage) was treated in a similar way by his first wife. She took advantage of his kind nature and was verbally, financially and (I suspect, though I haven't been told for sure) physically abusive. It took him a lot of strength and courage to leave that witch. When he did a few years later he met my Aunty, who is a lovely lady with a lot of sense and empathy. Without tooting her horn too much, she managed to heal him from being an anxious, shy man to the life and soul of the party, which I think was probably what he was like before he married his first wife. He was 55 when they got married and they're still very happily in love a decade later. 

If the genders were reversed and you were watching this on Emmerdale/Eastenders/soap of choice, you'd be appalled by the behaviours the man was showing. @ET22 has given you great advice and I hope you can find the strength to phone someone such as https://mankind.org.uk/ to get some advice and reassurance that this isn't ok.