Feels like im going under!

Makingabobor2

Well, just read your latest comments. So sorry to hear she is still not on board with all this. She has obviously never heard of "For richer for poorer".  Reminds me of my ex, who when he thought I was ill, said I should go back and live with my mum...he had never heard of "in sickness and in health".  Marriage is a partnership and neither one of you should be "The provider", you both work together to carve out the life you want. She needs to realise that.  

Don't let her make you ill. You mentioned Anti D's.....personally I think they are a very bad idea. but I'm sure others will have their own ideas & opinions on that. TBH, better to let her go and try and see how she can survive alone.  She'll soon realise that the grass is not greener on the other side. 

Ask her what her ideas are as to how you can resolve the situation. She knows you can't just magic money out of thin air, so she needs to come up with her solution.  Has she tried surveys online yet?  With the right commitment to them, it is easy to earn well over £100 a month.  At least that way she would be earning her own pin money. 

kimwp

I'll let you judge whether this would be helpful to share with your wife, but I remember that you initially felt confused as to why your finances weren't healthy when you have a decent wage - and it was because you have (If I remember correctly)  four children, so your income has to stretch across six people.

This is the office of national statistics comparison tool - it shows how your income and family circumstances combine to give a relative income.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/personalandhouseholdfinances/incomeandwealth/articles/incomespendingandwealthhowdoyoucompare/2022-03-09

Interestingly, some other studies have been done to work out the financial equivalent to the happiness gained from having a partner - it looks like it's more beneficial to be single than have a dependent partner!

EssexHebridean

First - and most importantly - if you have reached the point of considering going to the GP about mental health then get the appointment booked. There are all sorts of things you might be offered - medication is just one option (and absolutely zero shade on anyone for taking that - if someone has a headache nobody would hesitate to suggest taking an aspirin, and if you have a cut on your finger, people would be falling over themselves to say "here, have a plaster" - medication for mental health matters is exactly the same as either of those things - so use the plaster, and take the aspirin if that's what is needed!)  Right now the absolute most important thing is that you prioritise your own mental health though. 

As far as your wife goes - I think asking her for her views on how things should be being sorted is a valuable step. Tell her what the predicted debt figures would have been in 5 years, 10 years etc if you'd continued as before, and ask her how SHE would have gone about dealing with the situation. As for "The Provider" if by that she means the person with financial responsibility for ensuring that there is a roof over your heads, food on the table and that people are warm enough and have clothes to wear, then it seems to be that by ensuring that the debt picture is got under control, that is precisely what you ARE doing, and doing very well! 

Only she can make the decision whether - bluntly, she loves you, or whether she loves the lifestyle you provide. If it is the latter then genuinely you would be better off without her, although I truly hope that it doesn't come to that. One phrase which I can recall my Mum using to me when I was a small child playing up which might be fitting here though - "I will always love you, but right now I don't like you very much" as it comes across that is rather how you are feeling about the Mrs right at this moment! The problem with the idea of telling her if she's not happy then she should go is that I'm guessing large amounts of the debt have been incurred in your name alone, and she (by the sound of it) would quite happily stroll away neatly forgetting that she was at least in equal share the driving force behind why those debts were incurred. 

It's an appalling situation she is putting you in - and all the worse because what you are doing IS the right thing. 

elsien

Just a comment on the mental health side of things from my own personal perspective. They can be a useful tool if you are getting dragged down to the point where you are struggling to function. They can lift things enough for you to be able to move forwards, but you also need the support and strategies to be able to help things to improve. They're not a magic wand on their own - for me they were a short term help so I could engage in the counselling etc that I really needed to address the issues. I say short term, it was actually about 18 months in the end. So talk to your doctor if you need to but also have a think about what else could help. Obviously your wife having a complete change of heart would be a bonus, but if that's not on the radar immediately, can you look at relationship counselling for example?
Good luck with it all anyway.  This is going to be more of a slog than a sprint so whatever you need to do to maintain that. 

JillyC8

Anti-depressants saved me after my ex left me alone with two young children. They’re not addictive at all (in my experience). For me it was the difference between having a panic attack/near nervous breakdown whenever anything went wrong, or calmly being able to cope and be a good parent, making decisions based on common sense rather than emotions. We’re all different but if you have to take them to get through this then why wouldn’t you? We take medication for everything else with no thought.
It might also be worth going to CAB or a free half hour with a solicitor to find out where you stand re the debts/house/children if you do end up parting ways. 

littleelse

Ok, firstly, take any mental health support you can; meds, counselling, advice - grab it all if it is advised.

Secondly, a common expression in my house is, "you have my lifestyle to maintain". We did what we could when we could and the rest should be built into our relationships to resolve. Kevin(ess) teenager tantrums should be treated as exactly that. Breathe and ignore, it leaves nowhere to go with it.

Thirdly, stop 'panic responding'. Stay silent and don't react. Where is your support if you are expected to be the one solving every single problem? When is it your time to relax while somebody shoulders the burden, even for a couple of hours?

Last thought. She is not your child. Your guilt and sense of responsibility lays thickly in your posts. If she wants out, keep your breathing steady and agree to it all. Opinion will change or it will be followed through, either way it's better than this. Don't panic!

Muddy_Walker

You are doing the best you can and my gut reaction to your wife is if you can do better crack on. But that’s my gut reaction! She is going to get a shock if she ends the marriage as you won’t be able to keep her in the lifestyle she still wants and threatening you like this is very selfish.
As others have said, take whatever mental health help is offered and be kind to yourself. Xxxx

NiteEyez1980

Hi everyone

My never ending luck continues.

The few quid I've scraped together for emergency fund has just bene blown away as windscreen wipers failed and the new part (mechanism) Inc fitting has cost me £220.

Oh the joys 

Singlespeeder

But .... you covered it without resorting to credit cards ... that's what it's there for !

EssexHebridean

Well done for being able to cover the unexpected expense from the emergency fund - that's excellent news!