Feels like im going under!

EssexHebridean

It's such a tough situation - we often say on here that you can't force someone to their lightbulb moment, and that makes it all the harder when one half of a partnership has reached theirs, and the other is lagging behind. 

One suggestion - you were in a shortfall of in excess of £1k a month originally as I recall on your SOA? Can you point out to her that if you continued clocking up debt at the rate you were, then before too long you would reach the point of maxed out on all the lines of credit and with no further options - and THAT is the point where - again, if you tried to continue with the same lifestyle, you would be facing defaulting on mortgage payments. Work through some figures - so in a year that would be an extra £13k, in 5 years an extra £65k, etc? It baffles belief that she can't see the issues here, but for some people lifestyle is all and it sounds like perhaps she feels she's falling short against her friends if she can't join in with their nights out etc. (Personally I'd say time for new friends!)

Take a breath, stay with it, and keep your fingers crossed that eventually she will get with the programme! 

JillyC8

NiteEyez1980 said:

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

 

It is as easy as saying this. This is exactly what you should be saying. As has been mentioned on here many times, the kids can watch FREEVIEW. Loads of channels to watch. They may complain but they'll soon get used to it. Sounds like you're very much at the mercy of the wife and kids and you need to put your foot down.

EssexHebridean

JillyC8 said:

NiteEyez1980 said:

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

 

It is as easy as saying this. This is exactly what you should be saying. As has been mentioned on here many times, the kids can watch FREEVIEW. Loads of channels to watch. They may complain but they'll soon get used to it. Sounds like you're very much at the mercy of the wife and kids and you need to put your foot down.

Easier said than done though - we're hardly still in the times of "the husband's word is law" on all things financially - better by far if teamwork can be brought into play, not least as divorces on the ground of unreasonable behaviour can be eye wateringly expensive!  

kiss_me_now9

Just wanted to show my support. Just read the whole of your thread and it's clear that you have made incredible steps towards a healthier financial and mental future for yourself. It's a shame your wife doesn't seem to be on the same page - I second the idea of letting her have a crack at controlling the food budget herself and making it clear that there is no other money - if she chooses to go on a night out and put £55 in a pubs hands rather than feed her kids then that's a fundamental problem. At the moment it sounds like she's still very much in the mindset of money being a figurative concept; would having it in cash help her at all? 

Sometimes though these things have to come from an external source, as often our spouses are too close to the issue/us to see the light. 

JillyC8

EssexHebridean said:

JillyC8 said:

NiteEyez1980 said:

If it was as easy as saying:

"kids  forget the sky" and "Mrs. X get a new job, stop fretting and get a grip"

 

It is as easy as saying this. This is exactly what you should be saying. As has been mentioned on here many times, the kids can watch FREEVIEW. Loads of channels to watch. They may complain but they'll soon get used to it. Sounds like you're very much at the mercy of the wife and kids and you need to put your foot down.

Easier said than done though - we're hardly still in the times of "the husband's word is law" on all things financially - better by far if teamwork can be brought into play, not least as divorces on the ground of unreasonable behaviour can be eye wateringly expensive!  

I agree, definitely better as teamwork - but he's the breadwinner and the wife clearly sees him as a cash-cow. I mean what kind of relationship is that? If he's the one earning the money and facing up to the massive debts, then I would say his word should be law for the time being.

I've just read this whole thread and what an unbelievable and remarkable journey. The help on here is fantastic; I think all you who have offered advice have saved this man's life. Fantastic to see the progress but really irritates me to see how difficult and selfish the wife is being at times :-(.

EssexHebridean

It irritates us all Jilly, I think that's safe to say, ultimately though the OP does have to maintain at least a vaguely cordial living arrangement though, and there are, as the saying goes, many ways to skin a cat!   

foxgloves

I don't blame you rocking up for a rant, @NiteEyez1980. Spending the household grocery budget on a night out is not on at all. But as others have said, nobody can 'make' somebody have their LBM. Maybe once the sulk has abated, the embarrassment of having her card refused in the supermarket might spark a bit of realisation? Having a credit card available just skirts around the issue, which is that there was food money available but your partner opted instead to spend it on a night out. Choices have consequences & she bore the brunt of them when she had to put items back at the shop. It does sound as though she still regards 'credit card' as a budget pot in its own right. It isn't. It's just a payment method.
Hope the situation calms down at home, but it wasn't your fault & was an avoidable situation.
F

Makingabobor2

Quite agree with @foxgloves. It was totally avoidable and your wife needs to realise this. It does still seem to me like she is expecting you to provide money for all her little "extras", and you just can't do it. If she wants nights out, then something else will have to go, or she will have to find another job. Has she tried looking at online surveys?  Especially Prolific, you can earn quite a bit of "pin money" that way and so easy to do at home. 

joeyjimbles

Another survey suggestion that builds up quite quickly is Qmee and dull as they are, you can cash out even tiny amounts to Paypal

Makingabobor2

joeyjimbles said:

Another survey suggestion that builds up quite quickly is Qmee and dull as they are, you can cash out even tiny amounts to Paypal

Yes, I can easily get £10 a week from them