Feels like im going under!

NiteEyez1980

Hi all, 

Thank you for your support, comments and kind words👍

To be fair to the wife she did go back to work last year after 10 years and has been doing extra shifts etc. 

January was 'dry' and a concerted effort was made for frugality after the car "issue" so there wasnt really any temptations about from her perspective.

We are batch cooking (I've just eaten a batched cooked soup) and the shopping has by and large been very Controlled.

The issue  is that she feels like now she has gone back to work that despite this we have figuratively less (as throwing the cards away) and as a social butterfly its hard for her to keep saying "no" when she is working hard. For me I've bene used to doing long hours and not going out so it doesn't bother me. 

Unfortunately my wife isn't a shrinking violet and isn't a 'law laid down' personality.

Of course that is the life I've carved out for myself and the person I chose to marry. 

Sadly wish the amazing support I have received here was replicated at home, but such is life. 

To everyone who has taken their own precious and valuable time to read, comment and support me on this you have my deepest thanks and love. 

I will update you as things progress

Take care

L

kimwp

If it's any help, I don't think it's so much about laying down the law as getting her to understand the situation, which is that credit needs to be paid back so it's not extra money.

Sncjw

Have you sat her down and showed her income and outgoings..maybe if she saw it written down it would make sense to her 

NiteEyez1980

Sncjw said:

Have you sat her down and showed her income and outgoings..maybe if she saw it written down it would make sense to her 

Sadly yes. 

Unfortunately it just evokes a huff, and discontentment. 

Being honest she is not a reasonable person on certain things. 

Even at 45 she has an immaturity to her behaviour not too dissimilar to verruca salt at times. 

Again, my fault as I married her. 

JillyC8

NiteEyez1980 said:

Sncjw said:

Have you sat her down and showed her income and outgoings..maybe if she saw it written down it would make sense to her 

Sadly yes. 

Unfortunately it just evokes a huff, and discontentment. 

Being honest she is not a reasonable person on certain things. 

Even at 45 she has an immaturity to her behaviour not too dissimilar to verruca salt at times. 

Again, my fault as I married her. 

This makes me feel sad. Surely she understands that the point of her working extra shifts is not so she can go out more, but to pay down the huge debt. Once that's sorted then things can change.
Also socialising doesn't need to be expensive. I live to a strict budget, being a single parent, and I meet up with friends at the pub quiz once a week and spend no more than around £5-£10. At weekends I meet with a friend and go cycling or dog walking and we stop off for coffee etc - again just a couple of pounds and we take turns to pay.
Even on a night out at a cocktail bar, it's possible to curb your spending. I'm going out tonight with friends but have rationed myself to £25-£30 ... it's just a one-off as I don't go out drinking very often at weekends so it's a real big spend for me and something I only do once every couple of months. It can be done.

JillyC8

You could put the amount owing on a piece of paper somewhere visible every day so it's a constant reminder and you can both see it reducing week by week. And when the temptation to spend comes up, just point to the latest total. A bit like putting a diet sheet on a fridge door . . .

Humdinger1

@NiteEyez1980 lots of people are reining in spending, even manic socialisers; even seriously rich people.  She might find that if she talked to friends- not necessarily spelling out your joint debt- they'd be relieved and she'd be bang in fashion.  Without wanting to be harsh to either of you, it sounds as if she's been cut off from reality for a while and the new situation may take a while to sink in.  Was the plan to stop working for good when children came along? Did you agree? Few people are in a position to do that these days.  Keep going, you're doing brilliantly love Humdinger xx 4

ladyholly

I know you are paying off debts and money is tight but does your wife have a going out budget? It might help her to see how much there is available for her night out. For someone who is very sociable to give it all up would be very hard. If she huffs at this I would walk away and just tell her thats whats available and if she doesnt want it you will put it towards your debts. You wont be paying them forever and point out to her the faster you pay them the faster she will have for money for socialising.  After all debts cost money. It is very hard to live with someone who doesnt see the problem but stay with it and you will get there. I have been there and done that with my dh. We are now debt free and I dont spend nights worrying)

enthusiasticsaver

Your diary is a safe place to rant and yes it does appear your wife is not yet on board but unfortunately some tough love will be needed. Unpleasant for you as it would be so much easier for you if she was supportive and not acting like a spoilt teenager. 

Lots of people are having to rein in spending due to the cost of living crisis. Surely she should understand that. 

Do you both have monthly personal spends? That helps keep my DH within budget. For years he was a spender not a saver so we moved to personal monthly spends each  but  this morning he informs me he still has £300 left in his account with the next allowance due next Wednesday. I however am down to my last £50. 

stymied

Just had a thought - have you squirrelled away your annual expenses somewhere or did the debit card being declined mean that all the car/present/emergency fund pots are gone too?