Moving on with things

warby68

Your honesty @alt makes me want to see you face to face and tell you that you ARE good enough. We are all imperfect, we all fail to hit our full capacity in some way. We all have regrets and we all have those things that we let pass us by. You aren't alone. I hope it gets easier to manage your own head in time. I am too much of a loner - only child, bit of bullying at school and one controlling disapproving parent soon made me too happy with my own company as it seemed too risky to try and fit into new groups etc. I got some measure of ambition and confidence from the other parent but in 5 decades have never really resolved the introvert in me. Its a weird contradiction as well as I love meeting people and getting to know them but the fear in doing so often makes me opt out.

Hopefully you'll get to be more like most of us, where we have occasional hankerings for this house or that car but it soon passes as we get busy in the life we do have. I suspect your sensible 'withdrawal' from most social activities and extreme care where you go and who you meet does leave you not really busy enough and with a little too much time for introspection and nor does it help with the work/life balance where work is your only effective distraction. Hopefully you'll find some real interests with your son as he grows up and get involved again in life that way - my sons and their dad made regular trips without me in their teens to follow certain interests. A team or a band to follow, cars, collecting something etc etc.

You're only early 40's - no need to write off any options or think you have to live forever as you do now. Life changes,  often when you least expect it. 

daisy_1571

Some very measured and sensible advice here.  Id only take issue with your comment that you were fitter when you were using, you went out and were fun to be around.   

Looking from the outside id doubt you were fitter.  You maybe felt fitter from time to time but your diary talking of wasted weekends where you couldn't get out of bed plus the other things your body was coping with that unknown quality of drugs was doing to you - I'm sure you are healthier now even if you don't feel fit.  You aren't 'old' by my standards but you have to face the fact that you've never been this old before, sometimes its hard to believe but you might feel this way some mornings even if you'd never touched a drop in your life lol. 

Its just my opinion but id also doubt you were more fun to be around.   Maybe to other drunk or wasted people you all felt fascinating and hilarious but if you are sober and sit in a social gathering for any length of time you will see it without the beer goggles.   Folk get loud, get pushy, shriek with laughter at things that are no more than mildly amusing, get self important, someone ends up sobbing in the toilets, they dribble such a lot of absolute nonsense imparting it like it is pure gold, and I can guarantee they all think they can handle their booze or substance.   I've occasionally wondered if people could see a film of themselves would they think twice in future.   Once I stopped drinking, it was easier to disappear home after an hour or so than listen to it all.

Anyhoo, just my thoughts.   Like others have said, there's always that shiny next thing, bigger, better, newer, more expensive,  etc etc.  Contentment in your own life is a wonderful thing and if you keep on with all the good things you know help, meditation, eating well, finding the pleasure in small moments,  gradually you will naturally stop looking at what everyone else has and comparing it to you to see if you are better or worse and you'll just focus on your own life, family,  hobbies etc.

Keep on keeping on

daisy_1571

Sorry, popped back in - I mean that I reckon you will be more fun to be around now, baking with your boy, walking into town for breakfast etc.  Spending time with the important people rather than your less savoury times

alt80

I hope everyone had a nice Easter. After a difficult few weeks, I managed to have a really nice break with my family. We haven't done too much apart from a few nice meals out, one which wasn't so good with my in-laws and wife's siblings. The food wasn't very good, and a couple of them like to go out of their way to start an argument. Didn't manage to get around to the Easter BBQ, the weather wasn't good enough here. Hopefully next year as Easter is much later. 

Having a few shorter days this week so I can do a few things with my wife and son. Thursday and Friday I'm just working in the morning. I want to spend more time with my family and need to take the advice from the pros, my wife, a couple of the older generation I know through business that I've spoken to and people on here. It is coming up to two years of 'recovery' and tbh not all that time has been fully committing to recovery, not touched the stuff but it's not all about just the act of abstaining from a substance. It is true about having to see yourself as enough, which I don't but I'm not going to find that punishing myself. It hurts my family to see me like that.

Over the past few weeks, I have let thoughts really take hold after seeing that other house for sale that I can't afford. A few days I wouldn't even walk by it. Idk, I've pulled myself out of it mostly. I love the home I have been able to provide for my family and don't want to taint something really good for us. I have never seen my home as my family's home. Rather, I saw the previous place as mine, and they just happened to be there. It isn't like that anymore, and my marriage isn't like that either. It was and it was !!!!!! awful for a lot of years, no example to our son. I'm actually proud of both of us that we work on our marriage, don't want to let my own need for more to get in the way of that.  

I haven't had a look at the finances; that's my plan over the next couple of days. It will certainly look somewhat better as there is a surplus in my current account awaiting allocation to the balances. 

@warby68 idk, you did make me smile re the !!!!!! everyone is imperfect, regrets and meeting full capacity. I had a similar conversation with one of my staff not too long ago; young lad who !!!!!! up fairly big time with a job, we did manage to reverse it but it really affected him/ his work and progression towards his professional qualification. They have to put together a diary that is submitted to partly satisfy the requirements of their professional qualification, he’d stopped working on his but a few weeks back sent me an email with a really well thought out reflective account of what he’s learned since the !!!!!! up and his plans to continue working towards his professional qualification. I’ve spent a fair bit of time with him recently building his confidence back, so it meant a lot to read the email. I’ve got a lot of time for you; even if some of your advice reminds me of my own I give to the young ones just starting out ha. You’ve done well in life and I hope that parent is proud of you now. 100% needs his/her head looking at if not. Unfortunately, it won’t change the past; I know that all too !!!!!! well. We probably had quite different upbringings, but not through anyone’s fault; I, like everyone else, have negative thoughts that have shaped me through experiences during my formative years too. Philip Larkin was right happens without even knowing, really, it kills me to think what I’ve passed on, I want the the best of the best for my boy but haven’t delivered, I know.

Can’t say I could have related to the fear of getting to know others a few years back but I can now albeit for different reasons. 

My need for bigger and better things in life is a habit of a lifetime. Tbh, I have not managed to break it yet; everyone says I could be happier with life if I could break the greed, as my FIL calls it. Idk I think I actually want it more for my family than for myself. I do try not to buy anything for myself if I can help it - I get it is just taking from them and their future. I am not sure my son and I will ever regularly go places without my wife. I hardly ever drive anymore; either my wife drives me or my staff do. I don't want to be involved with cars, and I'm sure until he can drive, he would rather have my wife take him and a friend as she does now to football, etc. 

@daisy_1571 I think you are right; I have times when I look back, and apart from how I treated my family, which is my big motivator to stay on the path, I start to wonder if I was better back then. I wasn't. I'm not sure why I find it so difficult to get to the gym and regain some strength. A lot of it is probably because I've let it slip for so long.

Had to smile re drunks only being fun to other drunks, ha, never a truer thing said. I don't drink much at all anymore and I cannot stand being around people who've had a few too many. 100% with you there. 

My health, idk what I can do to sort it out long term. There is nothing seriously wrong so far as the pros can tell apart from having an anxiety disorder which I don't manage particularly well. Attempt 257 or something like that to put into practice what the pros have said consistently, the things I have learned myself so I can do more with my family.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@RelievedSheff Ha I’ve got about five mate. 17th Century barn conversion sounds really nice though. Didn’t realise you had such good taste in property hiding away lol. Would you go for it if it came on the market again now things are looking a lot different? Do you regret your current place? Only reason I ask is I do like it here but since seeing the other place on the market, I walk by it and some others that are similar everyday and it’s not bothered me until it came on the market but does now. It’s the first time I’ve questioned moving to this particular house since we agreed the deal. Some aspects were a downgrade over my previous house and because I bought the previous house without the benefit of it being modernised, I managed to keep so many of its features. Did a proper conservation job on it where needed whereas the previous owner here spent a fortune throughly modernising it which definitely has its advantages but it’s more a modern house with an older shell. Everyone who’s been here says it’s the best of both worlds but idk possibly just being kind. I know this is dumb as it doesn’t bother me or my wife it being semi-detached but I’d bet it was the factor why one of my wife’s friends who doesn’t really know the different areas in the city asked my wife if things were ok with my business in a kind way tbf but when my wife said we’d paid more for this house than what we sold the Mapperley Park house for she was surprised. Wouldn’t have even come up had we bought the one that’s just come on the market. Shouldn’t trip me off as I always wanted to make the move over to here but to people who don’t know this area and its prices compared to MP, the old house was more of a flex. 

Not a house but I always regret buying a Jaguar F-type R rather than an Aston Martin Vantage too, if I’d have known it was going to have been my last sports car I’d have just pulled the trigger. My boy loves cars, something we could have really enjoyed together but it is what it is.

If "the house" came back on the market I do think we would seriously consider it again.

https://www.worksopguardian.co.uk/lifestyle/homes-and-gardens/chance-to-buy-your-own-historic-stone-cottage-in-quaint-worksop-village-3901802

We don't regret our current house purchase for a second. We love our house and are quite happy to stay here for the long term.

RelievedSheff

Glad you had a nice Easter Alt. We managed a couple of drinks in the garden on Easter sunday which was not expected being so far north of the border!!

alt80

Really positive first day back in the office, finished 4pm and had a really nice evening with my family, went for a really decent walk. Tbh I'm feeling a lot more positive since the clocks jumped forward. Going to look at the finances tomorrow rather than get started on that just before bed. Need to get the monies allocated by the end of the day tomorrow though, although the balances are 0% so no real difference, it is strange having a surplus in my current account ha. 

@RelievedSheff Thank you, we did generally have a really nice one. We've got enough chocolate for a couple of months. It wasn't all horrendous here, the sun did show it's face a few times, just not for very long and the weather was very unpredictable. You did well to get out into the garden that far north at this time of year - either did well or you're !!!!!! hardened to it haha. 


That's the best of both worlds, nice characterful little thing with a superb name but modern enough throughout that you aren't going to be cold all the time and it'll be easy enough to live with. Lots of space for your van / cars etc. too. Happy to put you in touch with my mortgage broker if it comes back on the market, he'll get you a good deal. You 100% have the right attitude to it though; if it's meant to be it will but you are not getting tripped off about it because you love it where you are. I need to get my head into a positive place like that more often too. 

alt80

It's been an ok day, not great but not bad either. I am buzzing to have got the transfers done better late than never. One card remaining with a 0% balance, under £15k. Well, under £14.5k just. Idk how I've got here. There is a part of me tempted just to pay the minimum and clear the balance at the end of the 0% in 15 months time whilst accruing the c.£2k a month in an ISA paying about 5% until I've got the balance just sitting there waiting to go. Make a bit of free money from the bank for once in my life, ha. Tbf I think just getting it gone will probably be better for my mindset but idk it's tempting.

March 24

Card Balances

CC1 ………………………….£14,490 (0% for 15 months)

CC2 ………………………….£0 (Cleared)

CC3…………………………..£0 (Day-to-day card, not overspent, so no balance accrued)

CC4 ………………………….£0 (Bye!)

Total Card Balance…………£14,490 

Total Reduction in March….£2,010

Willowtree222

It is tempting and it depends on mindset. I know I'd be too tempted to spend and so have to pay off otherwise it just fritters away. Others are a lot more disciplined than me. 

50% of credit cards have gone. That's impressive x

alt80

@Willowtree222 ikwyacf, tbf it's not about the temptation to spend it - I can say with confidence, I won't spend the money. Idk a long time not even trusting myself to have any access to personal money must have changed me lol.