Moving on with things

foxgloves

Lovely blue sky & sunshine in our neck of the woods this morning, @alt80, so we're planning a weekend at home too, hopefully get out in the garden, get a few jobs done. Let's hope the sunshine holds for the rest of the weekend as it's much more cheerful than endless grey rain.
F

RelievedSheff

Beautiful sunshine here this morning as well.

Just had a lovely walk with the dog. A hint of frost on the ground.

alt80

It was nice to see the sun this morning; made a lovely start to the day @foxgloves / @RelievedSheff, although it was a pity it did not last long before the rain set in again. We had a morning walk into town for breakfast, something I think we will be doing again, really quite enjoyable. We are spoilt with good places to eat in NG - has to have something going for it, ha. Not something we would have done when we lived in Mapperley Park, it's a longer walk and definitely not pleasant; everything surrounding is rough as hell, and there's no choice but to walk through. I haven't been back since we moved, and definitely wouldn't move back to that part of the city now. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of rough areas nearby here, but we are much more closed off from them, and the walk into town isn't through them.

Did let a house nearby that has come on the market for £1.275M trip me off a bit today. Think my wife's heart sank when she saw me looking at it; she took my phone off me and told me to stop even thinking about it. She didn't mean to make me feel small but I still have some way to go with stuff like this really affecting my self worth. It really !!!!!! up my thinking for a few hours, wasn't great to be around at all. Idk if I will ever be able to think what I can provide is good enough, I wish I could, I think I'd be a lot better mental health wise and better for my family. I have been working on trying to spot these thoughts and thinking about what advice I'd give to someone else, it was really !!!!!! difficult this time. I don't want my son to think how I am is ok. I no longer want him to see the state I get into, losing my temper over things I can't have. He's seen me lose it too many times over things I am not in a position to buy. 

RelievedSheff

Definitely not walking weather today 🤣🤣🤣

katsu

I think maybe your wife meant... don't get in a bad head space. Your family just moved to a house you all like living in, near her family, the school etc. 

There's always somewhere more fancy. Do you need to move to Buckingham Palace to be done? 

I think she's trying to help you avoid a bad stimulus.

No house/ car/ palace/ watch/ owner "thing" can ever fill your heart with love. They don't love you back and don't make you feel whole as there's always more you don't have.

alt80

@RelievedSheff it did turn out ok in the end though. We managed to get out early evening for a walk.

@katsu ikwyacf unfortunately I have always been driven by acquiring ‘things’ and as much as I tried to engage with therapy, that aspect has never really gone away. I understand it is toxic to think the only value I can offer to my family is what I can buy for them to give a lifestyle, as you rightly point out nothing is ever enough. I still struggle with craving the lifestyle that I would like to both have and provide my family with- I am grateful for what I have still but the need for more has never gone away, I force myself not to act on it. I know I can’t or I will make myself ill and in turn that will hurt my family. One of the pros believes that if I can’t get a grip on this I am at a high risk of relapse- it’s all the same issue really and why the pros reckon I got addicted to cocaine in the first place idk it makes sense but not sure that helps when I can’t stop thinking in the way I do. It’s why I don’t go out socially anymore. There’s quite a big community aspect around here but cocaine isn’t exactly hard to come by so I choose not to get involved in running the risk of it being there. Outside of speaking to staff and my immediate family I speak to a couple of 75-80 year olds who I met through the local business community and I admire. They are the ones who do the charity work. Don’t speak to anyone my age, up to state retirement age and younger if I can help it apart from a few parents who have kids my son is friends with or are staff. I consider that lower risk and as I can’t 100% sort my head out despite both my health insurance and I spending considerable amounts. I have at least tried to avoid an additional burden on the NHS, largely been successful with that. Been to see an NHS GP twice and had a round of blood tests the GP wanted me to have. I’d not that long had a round of blood tests privately felt so !!!!!! bad taking up public resources when I’d been tested for everything but two parameters literally a couple of weeks before. Anyway it is what it is I will try not to wind myself up so much I take up public resources again.

Tbh that house is still causing me a lot of angst, it’s in the same location as where we live now but it’s detached, larger with the cellar converted well, double garage and a beautiful garden. Someone would buy this house 100%. I started trying to figure out whether I could possibly leverage any further - lenders were willing to lend more than we have mortgaged on our home but it would !!!!!! kill doing anything outside of work and paying for the house. Already had to effectively use equity to pay SDLT and I don’t want to do that again on even more. My wife would not be happy with me and tbf I know it is just !!!!!! dumb 

RelievedSheff

I think everyone has that one house that has gotten away at some point.

Ours was, and still is, a 17th century converted barn/smithy in the next village. We just couldn't stretch the budget quite far enough at the time.

katsu

Thanks for being so honest @alt80.  I'm sure a number of people who read this will find it helpful to them personally too.   

You've come so far and work so hard at your recovery that I hope and trust you'll find in time a way to fill that hole in your soul that the voice tells you "stuff" can fill. 

I think you know your wife and son love you as a person so I'm sure in time that will change if you keep working on the therapy etc as the pros can help you work on your thinking muscles like a gym instructor or your wife works on the physical muscles. 

I believe you can heal yourself in time. You've come so far. 

More practically..  it sounds sensible mixing with people unlikely to indulge in substances.  I'm sure you will find more of those in time.

mark55man

@katsu very wise - surveys have proven that the most likely cause of giving in to weakness is temptation, and avoiding temptation is 95% of staying clear of it.  Sounds a bit biblical - but for me its the essence of humanity and I think the advice given in a book which had an AA member in it (not the Automobile Association) when talking about pubs - if you hang around in barber shops you are going to get a shave !! 

alt80

@RelievedSheff Ha I’ve got about five mate. 17th Century barn conversion sounds really nice though. Didn’t realise you had such good taste in property hiding away lol. Would you go for it if it came on the market again now things are looking a lot different? Do you regret your current place? Only reason I ask is I do like it here but since seeing the other place on the market, I walk by it and some others that are similar everyday and it’s not bothered me until it came on the market but does now. It’s the first time I’ve questioned moving to this particular house since we agreed the deal. Some aspects were a downgrade over my previous house and because I bought the previous house without the benefit of it being modernised, I managed to keep so many of its features. Did a proper conservation job on it where needed whereas the previous owner here spent a fortune throughly modernising it which definitely has its advantages but it’s more a modern house with an older shell. Everyone who’s been here says it’s the best of both worlds but idk possibly just being kind. I know this is dumb as it doesn’t bother me or my wife it being semi-detached but I’d bet it was the factor why one of my wife’s friends who doesn’t really know the different areas in the city asked my wife if things were ok with my business in a kind way tbf but when my wife said we’d paid more for this house than what we sold the Mapperley Park house for she was surprised. Wouldn’t have even come up had we bought the one that’s just come on the market. Shouldn’t trip me off as I always wanted to make the move over to here but to people who don’t know this area and its prices compared to MP, the old house was more of a flex. 

Not a house but I always regret buying a Jaguar F-type R rather than an Aston Martin Vantage too, if I’d have known it was going to have been my last sports car I’d have just pulled the trigger. My boy loves cars, something we could have really enjoyed together but it is what it is.

@katsu thank you. Yeah I suppose I do try to give an honest account to it not being a !!!!!! light bulb moment at that being it if it’s your head that’s the problem in the first place. Appreciate that’s not the case for some people but for others it will be and idk I don’t want them to think they are alone. It’s still a !!!!!! journey. You are right about the pros being able to help but they can only do so much - a lot of it is ingraining the better habits/ actions. I was doing quite well with it early-ish keeping fit, gym three times a week, doing yoga a couple of times a week, meditation, journaling, did the cold plunges sometimes even etc. just keeping healthy but I let the excuse of my business creep in and have been struggling to get back to where I was. Sounds !!!!!! mad but I was a lot fitter when I was using than I am now, went out, was fun to be around. I know I’m miserable to be around now, as much as I avoid people, they wouldn’t want to be around me either and tbh I don’t even blame them.  

Have to keep going for my family. Yes I know they love me and I also know they shouldn’t after putting them through !!!!!! years of hurt. Pros try to get me away from that but I can’t. Never really have liked myself and have the !!!!!! evidence now. I know I’m a miserable !!!!!! now and have this !!!!!! anxiety disorder I can’t fully get rid of. Idk wish I could just sort my head out 100%. I’ve even thought about doing one of those magic mushroom retreats abroad see if it sorts me out but that’s more money spent when I should work on getting back to just being more healthy generally.

@mark55man I stay well away from it mate. I was fortunate enough to avoid too much AA, most of the rehabs are like hell on earth with that and group therapies. People at their lowest talking to others at their lowest idk didn’t sit right with me. I paid the !!!!!! money to do one to one with the pros and have a nice hotel suite. It was more like an extended spa stay with added pros instigating tough conversations, therapies and restrictions on tech rather than AA for a month solid. These places admit crackheads, heroin addicts, all sorts, charge a fortune to share a dorm in some cases. Idk it definitely works for some but I’m !!!!!! glad I paid my money tbh and kept to myself. Have been to a couple of the meetings, it’s encouraged but some of the stories are !!!!!! harrowing. Don’t get me wrong I’ve seen some things in my time in property but hearing this stuff wasn’t good for me.

These days the thought of it is quite revolting enough to me as is putting money into the hands of dealers. Irony is I !!!!!! hate people who undermine legitimate business by not paying taxes and ducking out of the responsibilities we all have whether we like them or not. I have a long !!!!!! list of reasons to never touch the stuff again and don’t want to but tbt I really don’t know if I could resist if offered socially after a few drinks. Wish I knew I could, it wouldn’t have a hold over me any longer.