Moving on with things

mark55man

Hear hear to what INOD said.  Well done alt!!

alt80

Not been doing too much today apart from a few jobs around the house. I can’t really believe it’s June and three years since I went back to the rehab. It’s been far from easy, tbf I have been determined to make things better for my family and that has been the biggest motivator. First time I found true love when my wife and I started working on our marriage everyday. Some of her relatives still tell me that she is too good for me and not in a joking way, even though I know that they are right it still hurts.

I never thought that working to address some of the things that led me to be as I was would have such an impact on me, dealing with the things I have had to face in therapy just left me broken but I think I’m learning to deal with things now and manage my poor mental health. My wife said that she thinks I was just trying to protect myself as I wasn’t in a position to fight my demons. I think she’s right in a way. I couldn’t have built a business and dealt with the things that I have addressed and started to address in therapy. I’m fortunate to be in a position where I mostly have a really good team of staff these days which has allowed me to get the help I needed and not suffer financially for doing so.

Trying to be more healthy generally too but it’s up and down idk I get on diets and just fail the minute that someone presents home baked goods at my office. It’s ridiculous the irony isn’t lost on me that I’ve managed to stay off coke but can’t keep off the cookies lol. My wife has got me back on mfp so we’ll see idk tbh there’s possibly some truth in happy couples getting fat together. My wife used to struggle with eating and now has to be the !!!!!! master of mfp to not put on weight. She still loves the gym but we also love enjoying food together ha. We’re both healing and tonight I realised being financially solvent is both something of a !!!!!! miracle but a sign that we are both healing. The way we both were with money was awful, I don’t just mean the consequence of debt but the way we used it against each other. Not something I’m proud of for my part. 

My old friend who caused me a lot of trouble has not long come out of a rehab, he wrote to me. He went to a really tough one, tried the soft ones before which didn’t work for him. Thankful the soft one worked for me ha. He’s more broken than I was without a business to focus on but no longer seems to be stalking those who were close to him, seeing his kids for the first time in years and is caring for his parents full time. His parents are both frail now but I always looked up to his dad who was a brilliant businessman. It’s really !!!!!! sad. I can’t help but be reflective but don’t think I am in a position to meet up. He made my wife and I feel unsafe at home before we moved all because I was trying to move on from addiction. 

Last big push to summer which is only just over a month away for my boy, his school always breaks up long before the state schools which still irks me- pay and get less ha. At least we get a few weeks off to go away on holiday for a lower cost. My in laws always take us to centre parcs as soon as our son’s school breaks up, they do the same for their other grandchildren and pay over double for them just because it’s a few weeks later. 

Had my sister and her husband up here on Friday. I’d decided if they brought up the fact they have paid off their mortgage more than once they’d be paying for dinner. It annoys me how they have to bring up how financially secure they are whilst expecting me to pay for everything. Safe to say that they paid for dinner this evening ha, BIL was !!!!!! livid because as usual he’d chosen the most expensive dish on the menu which he’d never do if he was paying. They want to come on the holiday we’re organising for my dad’s 80th with their kids who are practically grown up but want me to pay for them all because I earn well. I’d have been too embarrassed to admit this a few years back but I told them I don’t have much in the way of a disposable income that isn’t spoken for. They told me that was my own fault which I don’t suppose they are wrong. However the irony of them never spending anything but expecting me to pay for everything isn’t lost ha. I’m just not embarrassed anymore to say that things like this would be financially stressful and isn’t in the best interest of my family. 

lucielle

That’s a great post. Well done for telling your sister how it is!  Hopefully they’ll get the message and stop the comments. 

L

ladyholly

Glad to hear you are all doing well. 

Give your old friend time to see if he can continue on the right path and then , only if you are in a good place, think about seeing him. If  you do I would suggest you do something completely different to the things you have done before so that old habits aren't rekindled.

I was pleased you "allowed" your bil to pay for the meal. As for expecting you to pay for their holiday when thay have been boasting how financially secure they are is just laughable.

foxgloves

Good for you, @alt80! No way should you be expected to pay for holidays for your BiL's family, especially as he has paid off his mortgage! And it did make me smile that he chose the most expensive thing on the menu, then had to pay for it, the cheeky devil!
F

daisy_1571

I generally nowadays say right at the start of the meal 'we're all paying for our own right?'  It only takes a couple of times before that becomes the norm.  I hate other folk paying for mine because I would politely always go for something cheap rather than perhaps what I might want.  People who genuinely go for dearest, add on another drink etc just because someone else is paying are showing their true colours, rather despicable behaviour in my view.  If I pay for my own should I want a pudding I can have one, or a cup of tea at the end, it just removes stress from the situation.  Now most cafes and restaurants can take cards from individuals. 

If you are going out again with them as soon as a plan is broached tell them its Dutch.  Say its because clearly your financial positions are quite unequal if you like, but don't say which way.  Or just say its easier that way for everyone.   Tell them you pair are on a diet and it often makes your meal dearer and you don't feel thats fair on them.  Anything at all, but break that habit. 

How unbelievably rude to do such a thing.  First to invite themselves on the holiday but then to infer, come right out and say it or even hint that anyone else should pay for their holiday let alone their children's too!   You've said things about your family members and in laws making personal comments, what a bunch of I-dont-even-want-to-say-the-words 😆.  You sound like a much nicer person than most of them alt, limit your time with these kind of people and find nicer, kinder people to spend time with !  These folk aren't worth your head space but we'll done standing your ground and being honest.


Re your old pal, nice that he wrote, hopefully he will make the same headway as you have done but he'll maybe need a similar amount of time as you've taken.  Maybe write back, keep it general, wish him well, tell him you are struggling in a different way to when you first came out, keep it positive but make no mention of meeting.   A letter from time to time might help then once he's getting more to the frame of mind you are in maybe you can broach how he made your family feel and see if you get a heartfelt apology.   Doubt it will be helpful to discuss it now either for your sake or his.

Just some thoughts
Dxx

alt80

@in_need_of_direction I forgot to say thank you yesterday, was falling to sleep by the time I hit 'post'.

Meant to ask if you did send the proposal in the other week? Somewhat related, I've always had a handle on the profitability of each service my business provides but I've really started to think about it ahead of quoting for new work along with my resource. Accepting that rn growth isn't a priority but maximising productive hours and profitability is has really made me focus on this. Might be of help to you to consider. 

@mark55man thanks mate.

@lucielle they've done this for years and years. Before my parents moved to Greece, they'd do the same thing to my dad because they knew that they could. Tbf my sister doesn't deliberately pick whatever is the most expensive dish.

@ladyholly I've no plans to meet up with him although I would like to see his parents; they really helped me out when I started out in business although idk if they'd want to see me, so far as they are concerned everyone else is responsible for their son's actions apart from their son himself. !!!!!! cautionary tale there about parenting lol.    

My sister and her husband always have been tight with money. It's always amused me how they take their kids to see my parents and insist on them all basically camping out at my parents' 1 bed flat. I suppose you do get your mortgage paid off in your 40s if you live like that ha.

@foxgloves I'm used to it - it's not the first time they've wanted to tag along on a holiday but make no contribution. 

@daisy_1571 My wife and I did say after that we just need to split the bill, tell them we've had too many years of paying and they are clearly not in a bad position financially. They both only work part time now but have very little outgoings - no mortgage, no school fees etc. 

I've written back to him. He's already apologised tbf I think it's sincere as I've spoken to his ex-wife mainly because I was surprised that he was seeing his kids and she had similar (worse) issues with him. Life can be !!!!!! horrible some times.

alt80

Wednesday already but I had somewhat become accustomed to doing 2/3 hours over the past week rather than the usual 9-10 so roll on Friday ha. I do struggle with not feeling horribly guilty for not working more than my staff and I do a couple of hours each day at the weekend on this and that for my business if needed but I know that burning out was harmful to my health, my family and tbh my business itself. My staff still tell me that I need to rest sometimes. Just difficult to accept that I can’t go at it the way I did. However, I get lots of time with my family this way and apart from the guilt I do prefer it this way.

First month of income from my Mrs’ room at the office - can’t !!!!!! wait to see a little bit from that room even though I’m transferring the money myself ha. 

RelievedSheff

Good for you telling your BIL how it is. Nothing to be ashamed of and he will think twice before ordering the most expensive thing next time.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Not been doing too much today apart from a few jobs around the house. I can’t really believe it’s June and three years since I went back to the rehab. It’s been far from easy, tbf I have been determined to make things better for my family and that has been the biggest motivator. First time I found true love when my wife and I started working on our marriage everyday. Some of her relatives still tell me that she is too good for me and not in a joking way, even though I know that they are right it still hurts.

I never thought that working to address some of the things that led me to be as I was would have such an impact on me, dealing with the things I have had to face in therapy just left me broken but I think I’m learning to deal with things now and manage my poor mental health. My wife said that she thinks I was just trying to protect myself as I wasn’t in a position to fight my demons. I think she’s right in a way. I couldn’t have built a business and dealt with the things that I have addressed and started to address in therapy. I’m fortunate to be in a position where I mostly have a really good team of staff these days which has allowed me to get the help I needed and not suffer financially for doing so.

Trying to be more healthy generally too but it’s up and down idk I get on diets and just fail the minute that someone presents home baked goods at my office. It’s ridiculous the irony isn’t lost on me that I’ve managed to stay off coke but can’t keep off the cookies lol. My wife has got me back on mfp so we’ll see idk tbh there’s possibly some truth in happy couples getting fat together. My wife used to struggle with eating and now has to be the !!!!!! master of mfp to not put on weight. She still loves the gym but we also love enjoying food together ha. We’re both healing and tonight I realised being financially solvent is both something of a !!!!!! miracle but a sign that we are both healing. The way we both were with money was awful, I don’t just mean the consequence of debt but the way we used it against each other. Not something I’m proud of for my part. 

My old friend who caused me a lot of trouble has not long come out of a rehab, he wrote to me. He went to a really tough one, tried the soft ones before which didn’t work for him. Thankful the soft one worked for me ha. He’s more broken than I was without a business to focus on but no longer seems to be stalking those who were close to him, seeing his kids for the first time in years and is caring for his parents full time. His parents are both frail now but I always looked up to his dad who was a brilliant businessman. It’s really !!!!!! sad. I can’t help but be reflective but don’t think I am in a position to meet up. He made my wife and I feel unsafe at home before we moved all because I was trying to move on from addiction. 

Last big push to summer which is only just over a month away for my boy, his school always breaks up long before the state schools which still irks me- pay and get less ha. At least we get a few weeks off to go away on holiday for a lower cost. My in laws always take us to centre parcs as soon as our son’s school breaks up, they do the same for their other grandchildren and pay over double for them just because it’s a few weeks later. 

Had my sister and her husband up here on Friday. I’d decided if they brought up the fact they have paid off their mortgage more than once they’d be paying for dinner. It annoys me how they have to bring up how financially secure they are whilst expecting me to pay for everything. Safe to say that they paid for dinner this evening ha, BIL was !!!!!! livid because as usual he’d chosen the most expensive dish on the menu which he’d never do if he was paying. They want to come on the holiday we’re organising for my dad’s 80th with their kids who are practically grown up but want me to pay for them all because I earn well. I’d have been too embarrassed to admit this a few years back but I told them I don’t have much in the way of a disposable income that isn’t spoken for. They told me that was my own fault which I don’t suppose they are wrong. However the irony of them never spending anything but expecting me to pay for everything isn’t lost ha. I’m just not embarrassed anymore to say that things like this would be financially stressful and isn’t in the best interest of my family. 

Dipping in again and love this post.

Think you're making the right call avoiding the friend.

Also the brother in law story made me laugh, I remember reading about him doing that years ago. An excellent rule to apply to future meals. Reminds me how I'm always the one buying the first and last rounds for friends with multiple houses when I haven't bought my first (yet). Or family members who moan about me not being good enough at saving but happy to demand expensive Christmas/Birthday gifts for them and their kids. I suspect my family have the same view as your sister/BIL, if I spent less of my money on myself and my needs I'd have plenty to spend on them, so for some perverse reason feel entitled to it...again right call in telling them. The cheek to expect you to pay for their holiday, I'm stunned.