Moving on with things

alt80

Just logged in to find that whilst we were away I got a part time ban from here for a post I made over four years ago?! Crazy. Although reading it back did remind me that I really wasn't in a good place then.

We've had a really good time away, we went to some lovely places but it's nice to be home now. Would've been nice to not have to come home to deal with the finances pretty much as soon as we walked in the door though, ha. Also had a reminder to say the low fixed rate for part of my home mortgage that I managed to port from the old house is coming to an end. I need to make my mind up how to deal with it - get the lot on repayment or i/o. My aim is to get the thing gone although over £500k of mortgage debt isn’t going to be gone within a few years. Appreciate repayment gives a feeling of a bit more certainty but it’s also not very flexible. Idk, need to have a think about it. 

These past few weeks have given me some chance to reflect on whether I’m ready to get back to focusing on business growth or if I need to focus on taking things slowly still. Unfortunately I know I’m not ready to go back to putting the business before my family and health. I worry that I’ll never get back to it and just spent too long in burnout to get back. These days I prefer keeping things ticking and spending less time at the office. My wife says she would rather we have the time together as a family but I can’t stop feeling guilty for not being able to give them the lifestyle that I think they deserve. 

@FootyFanDan thanks mate, I haven’t done any of this on my own and had a lot of help that I acknowledge most wouldn’t. 

@lucielle thank you, we had a brilliant time. Only thing that I’d change is a few less stops and a bit longer stay in a couple of places. We’re taking that on board for our trip to Central Europe for my dad’s 80th next year. 

@mark55man thank you. I have saved your post. He’s been great company on holiday and we can’t really believe that he’s grown so fast.

@Humdinger1 some of my in-laws have never liked me. Fortunately I don’t see them often. 

@crunchy_time thank you. I am blessed to have my little family. All I want is them happy and well provided for. Struggle with knowing what is ‘enough’ regarding the latter. 

mark55man

You are welcome alt80 -  I just wish I was that wise when mine were young!! although they are all OK and a credit to their mum!!

As for getting you thread banned - well flick that for a game of rsoldiers 

alt80

Brilliant to see the Lionesses smashing it again; there was an article documenting how the girls have got to play for England / professionally - great article for anyone interested in football or in mental resilience. Disappointing to see some of the comments online though. 

@mark55man thank you, can't say I consider myself wise, ha. I am in a fortunate position to be able to work as I do and it not be detrimental to plodding along.
I consider my son a credit to his mum too. She's stepped up when I was in a really bad place to make sure he didn't miss out on the things he's interested in that would normally be shared between a father and son. I know I joke on here about having two kids but the bond they have through what's become shared interests is brilliant. A lot of his mates have started already to have a pretty poor opinion of their mum but apart from him pushing her out of football games with his mates, they have a great relationship. 

katsu

Dear @alt80.  You should also save your own post as you've told yourself the truth about your old approach to work "putting the business before my family and health".

That focus on making money foryour family instead of spending time with your family isn't what they want and nor will it be what at your funeral your son praises.  People don't say "I didn't spend much time with my dad as he was always working but it was so great to have designer gear/ whatever".  It's the memories of the activities together and conversations that people treasure.

You know it to be true, as you wrote it   I wanted to draw your attention to a truth that you recognise inside and which you have done amazingly well in working on with Mrs Alt.  

I love seeing when you've posted and seeing how far you've come. I hope you can be as proud of yourself as we are. 

alt80

Not sure how we're in mid-August already but here we are. Having a really nice summer so far with a few things to look forward to still before September rolls around. Can't complain about the weather this week either. 

I'm working shorter hours than usual and not at all on Fridays until September to spend more time with my family. The strange thing is a few things business wise have just fallen into place but without the usual stress I put on myself. These days I can take a step back from trying to understand every little thing my staff are doing and just get on with my projects and managing my staff. My time away has given me some space to think about how I move the business forward without the ridiculous amount of stress and what was really nothing but absolute desperation to make more revenue. It's time for me to actively move away from the guilt that most other men my age are able to work harder than I am rn and embrace that I am in a fortunate position to spend this time with my wife and son. 

The past few weeks I've had a few really tough therapy sessions that have made me reflect on why I got to the point that I basically chose to tear myself up into thousands of little pieces everything I thought was important to me, the views I held and the way I was living my life. For the first time since I committed to recovery I've realised I wasn't stronger before and that all the people who have told me that it actually takes real strength to face up to harmful behaviour/ attitudes/ views, deal with aspects of your life that are harmful coping mechanisms, go all in with the pros and keep the wheels turning even when you think there's no hope and life doesn't feel like it's worth living anymore. I was in a real dark place last year, my mental health has never been that bad, I can see that now but I couldn't at the time. Because I thought giving up on myself meant I was doing right by my family I couldn't understand why I was breaking their hearts. I couldn't even celebrate or admit that I was proud of myself for paying off my credit cards and having no credit card debt because I was in such a low place.

I know most men don't talk about this stuff and tbf I've been back and forth to this draft for far too long but a few days ago I managed to look at myself in the mirror and say that I deserve to have my family. I've been trying to do this everyday for three years and the other day was the first time that I could do it. I'm not writing this stuff for a virtual pat on the back but because I want others to know that we all have the capacity to reflect on our past actions and behaviours, consider whether the road you're going down is the one which you wish to continue on and if it isn't, work out a different route.

On a lighter note I've given myself until the end of the month to make a decision about my home mortgage. Don't have the figures to hand but I'll definitely make a post; I'm keen to get some different points of view on how to tackle it. 

@katsu thank you, I still struggle with the thoughts that my family deserve the world or certainly more than I can provide despite being grateful for what we do have and knowing it’s a lot more than most. Managing these thoughts and working towards how I deal with them is a lot of the work I am doing with the pros and with my wife rn. Both my wife and I have had problems with spending money and using material things as a measure of our worth as human beings. Can't say I recommend it to anyone. 

Willowtree222

What a lovely post to read this morning.

Acceptance can bring a lot of peace and it sounds like you've made the first step towards it. 
My only hope is that yiu can continue forward. 

PollyWollyDoodle

“ a few days ago I managed to look at myself in the mirror and say that I deserve to have my family.”

It’s made my day to read this.  

Well done, @alt80. You’ve come a long way. 

I really hope that your honest and frank posts have helped others on a similar journey. 

in_need_of_direction

Truly inspirational post

lucielle

An exceptional post. Brilliant!!
L

daisy_1571

(You aren't posting for a virtual pat on the back, but it certainly must be nicer to log on and receive pats ratger than when you were getting a virtual row 😉 😀 ) 

Like others have said lovely post to read, very pleased for you that you are seeing real results from your hard work 

Dxx