Moving on with things

Willowtree222

What a lovely post, Alt. Sounds like your wife has been on her own journey as well and is also seeing things differently. 

It's a shame some of her relatives have to mention the past. I wonder if it makes them feel superior somehow. Their actions say more about their own personality and behaviour though. It only takes one wrong turn for any one of us to end up in difficult positions. Financially or personally. 

I love Christmas so I am in my element at the minute! 

katsu

Consider them to be suffering from foot and mouth @alt80. It's either being nosey or thoughtless.  They don't need to speak about the past and who you used to be.  You and your wife have changed so much. 

I think they are the people for the Mel Robins "let them" where you recognise they are just what they are and you focus on how you feel and making the best decisions for you. 

There are lots of people whose opinions add no value to my life I find 🤭  They aren't in my heart and I can't change what they think and feel. 

I'm really proud of Mrs Alt for recognising the limitations of her decisions and behaviours, and changing her ways in response.  Memories are the most valuable "thing".  

daisy_1571

Wow thats a sincere apology from Mrs alt there.  Glad she recognised her part in the whole sorry mess, hopefully over time you will be more understanding that EVERYONE  has regrets and they deserve not to be thumped over the head with them every day, you too will hopefully have more and more time between episodes of self reproach. 

I hope these awful rude people didn't spoil the day for you all.  Your inlaws and their wider family do seem incredibly outspoken and boorish (they maybe aren't and its just the tiny bits we hear about them, apologies if I offend).  I couldn't imagine ever bringing stuff like that up, especially in company,  if the person themselves didn't quietly bring it up themselves and want to talk.

I'm very glad to read so much positive in your news.  I hope you are also able to start to move on from keeping your son young and start to enjoy the growth towards his young adulthood and spending time with the person he will eventually become.  

Daisy xxx 

Humdinger1

@alt80 you and your family are utterly magnificent!  Pay no attention to negative wider family.  They seem stuck in the past.  Maybe it's worth slipping in that old saying 'Drop old grievances, if only to pick up new ones'. Made me laugh like a drain when I first heard it and it did help me to let go.  Love Humdinger x

daisy_1571

I like that one humdinger 😆 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

I hadn’t anticipated how busy September would have been; I don’t really know where it went, but here we are, Goose fair down and having welcomed October already. 

My boy is settling into senior school a lot better than we could have anticipated, he’s done great welcoming kids from other schools and seems to have found an interest in the academic side which is a surprise to us all. They had their year 7 welcome weekend away team building so my wife and I managed to go on a spa break. Got a really nice deal and learned our lesson from our last indulgent stay by keeping it alcohol free save for a bottle of wine with dinner. C63 performed faultlessly. It’s like a supercar in a coupe body, really impressive and a true last of an era car imo. 

We were going to go in the Mk2 but it needs a bit of tlc over this winter. My wife has the estimate from the garage - we both thought it’d be a few hundred pounds but it’s more like a few thousand, idk that car has needed a bit more love than anyone thought it would. 

Christmas seems to already be in full swing in the supermarkets and garden centres around here - mince pies have been in our local Sainsbury’s for the past month and the garden centre we went to today was in full winter wonderland mode lol. All a bit too early for me and a reminder summer is well and truly over. As most of you know I’m no fan of the Autumn/ Winter seasons. 

We are ticking along financially - business is steady and I made the first payment of the full repayment and overpayment to clear the additional taken for the car. My wife suggested that we could continue to sustain the overpayment after the car has been paid for and that would mean that we’d own our home outright sooner. Also started to put away £1,000 each month into an interest bearing account- it’ll eventually make up a personal emergency fund. 

My in-laws invited all their family to a bit of a get together for their son’s recent engagement, it was one of the hardest days I’ve had in a while - a couple of my wife’s relatives had to bring up the past. I wish that I’d have dealt with my demons long ago - if I had been honest with myself, I knew that I was in a bad place a long time before I even started to get help. However, all I can do now is make the most of the present and be mindful of the future. We’re in a much better position, worked on building a great marriage and aren’t struggling to get by. 

My wife said the other day that she is sorry for pressuring me to buy her things over the years and telling me that I needed to earn more when she knew I was struggling with chronic stress. I know neither of us have been saints but I still have times when I think she should have more for putting up with me. There are still days when I struggle to feel that I deserve my little family - luckiest man in the world ha. 

Checking in again.

The C63 sounds amazing and I absolutely agree with you in terms of it being a last of an era car, I really want one ha. Imagine it'll appreciate a fair bit for that reason.

What is the mk2? 

I know what you mean re: Christmas...Saw mince pies in with the halloween stuff at the supermarket...

Also not a huge fan of this time of year, if my job allowed I'd love to move somewhere with year round sunshine, even if I am rubbish in the heat.

That sucks about family members bringing up the past, so inconsiderate but as others have said, more of a reflection of their bad character than anything...things like that are a pet hate of mine. You've come an amazingly long way, it's so impressive.

As someone who saw your journey at the start and then dipped out for several years it's amazing how much progress both you and your wife have made and that apology from her epitomises that.

So glad to hear how well your son has taken to school too!

alt80

Thanks all. Reasonable week so far; managed to get a few things over the line which had been dragging on for a while just in time to start coming down with some cold/flu ha. Can’t have everything lol. 

@Willowtree222 my wife has been in therapy since the beginning of the year. We have also kept our promise to each other that we are going to work on our marriage every day. I know it’s cringeworthy to write it on a public forum but I strive to love her more than I did yesterday and less than tomorrow. 

Apart from my parents in law, most of her relatives just don’t want me around in the first place. It got a lot worse after they became aware of the extent of my addiction - they won’t accept that I don’t touch the stuff anymore. Tbf before I started to take recovery seriously I struggled to accept that it can just take one wrong turn for us to end up in difficult positions. I really do my best not to judge others these days but I wasn’t always like that. 

Haha can’t believe you’re already in the Christmas spirit, it’s barely autumn lol - Christmas doesn’t exist in this household until late November these days. 

@katsu thank you. I wish that I had seen that I needed to change before having what I can only call a complete breakdown but I didn’t.

I have come across Mel Robbins, she was on a Podcast that I was listening to and I keep meaning to buy her book. 

@daisy_1571 I still want her to have the best and more than I can give.

A lot of my wife’s relatives are pretty outspoken - not just about me.

I never thought I’d find letting my boy grow up as difficult as I do. However, I know you’re right that we need to gradually let him grow up. 

@Humdinger1 ha my parents used to say that.

@ryanm8655 good to hear from you - how’s the purchase going?

You won’t be disappointed if you pull the trigger. We plan to keep the C63 for a long time so really don’t think we’ll see it appreciate; it’s our main car so it won’t have sub 10k miles forever ha. 

It’s a ‘60s Jag Mk2 - sold the little MG back to our friends, it was too small now our boy is getting taller. Probably be taller than my Mrs this time next year.

Think we all dream of moving somewhere warmer from time to time, wouldn’t be realistic for me either. 

We’ve had to re-evaluate pretty much everything mate - when I got serious about dealing with addiction/ spending and engaged with therapy I fell to pieces. Been really unwell with my mental health for the most part over these years. Said to my wife that I feel like a porcelain vase someone’s thrown at a wall and glued back together sometimes. 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Thanks all. Reasonable week so far; managed to get a few things over the line which had been dragging on for a while just in time to start coming down with some cold/flu ha. Can’t have everything lol. 

@Willowtree222 my wife has been in therapy since the beginning of the year. We have also kept our promise to each other that we are going to work on our marriage every day. I know it’s cringeworthy to write it on a public forum but I strive to love her more than I did yesterday and less than tomorrow. 

Apart from my parents in law, most of her relatives just don’t want me around in the first place. It got a lot worse after they became aware of the extent of my addiction - they won’t accept that I don’t touch the stuff anymore. Tbf before I started to take recovery seriously I struggled to accept that it can just take one wrong turn for us to end up in difficult positions. I really do my best not to judge others these days but I wasn’t always like that. 

Haha can’t believe you’re already in the Christmas spirit, it’s barely autumn lol - Christmas doesn’t exist in this household until late November these days. 

@katsu thank you. I wish that I had seen that I needed to change before having what I can only call a complete breakdown but I didn’t.

I have come across Mel Robbins, she was on a Podcast that I was listening to and I keep meaning to buy her book. 

@daisy_1571 I still want her to have the best and more than I can give.

A lot of my wife’s relatives are pretty outspoken - not just about me.

I never thought I’d find letting my boy grow up as difficult as I do. However, I know you’re right that we need to gradually let him grow up. 

@Humdinger1 ha my parents used to say that.

@ryanm8655 good to hear from you - how’s the purchase going?

You won’t be disappointed if you pull the trigger. We plan to keep the C63 for a long time so really don’t think we’ll see it appreciate; it’s our main car so it won’t have sub 10k miles forever ha. 

It’s a ‘60s Jag Mk2 - sold the little MG back to our friends, it was too small now our boy is getting taller. Probably be taller than my Mrs this time next year.

Think we all dream of moving somewhere warmer from time to time, wouldn’t be realistic for me either. 

We’ve had to re-evaluate pretty much everything mate - when I got serious about dealing with addiction/ spending and engaged with therapy I fell to pieces. Been really unwell with my mental health for the most part over these years. Said to my wife that I feel like a porcelain vase someone’s thrown at a wall and glued back together sometimes. 

The first place fell through after 5 months of waiting. Essentially the vendors declared a boundary issue and having agreed to change the boundary on land registry then changed their minds. Mortgage company wouldn't lend with a boundary issue, no matter how minor. I ended up pulling out at that stage and viewed another place and offered on that. That's progressing well, approaching two months in and hope things will be ready to go soon, vendors are ready so am just waiting on solicitors to update me on searches and enquiries. The second property is so much nicer and walking distance to the train station, so no need to taxi back when I've been out on the beers with mates in London.

Love the fact you have a C63 as a daily! Ahh a Jag Mk2, now that is a cool car!!!

I feel you there mate, I think we're all porcelain vases that get dropped and knocked and bits have to be glued on overtime. You should be really proud of yourself for getting to where you are today. A good friend of mine has basically lost everything due to addiction, started out with a bit of coke on a night out, soon became daily use and being a functioning addict, then suddenly he's left his wife and kids for a hooker who has got him into crack...he's now lost his £200k a year job and stuck on benefits in a 1 bed flat on his own, the hooker went back to her pimp/boyfriend as soon as she'd exhausted all of his money (pretty early on in the process). I don't see him anymore, will exchange the odd message for old times sake but that's about it...

Went off at a bit of a tangent there but my point is you've done amazingly well to pick yourself  back up from where you were.