Moving on with things

alt80

Managed to have another fairly cheap Saturday and very little planned for today so should make another cheap weekend- much needed tbf ha. Especially since our son has decided he wants every !!!!!! option of sports uniform for September- really not sure that is normal ha. There’s so much !!!!!! uniform too even compared with his current lot. I am trying again with my sleep, have to hope that some day I will be able to get into more consistent better habits. 

My MIL said she thinks that both my wife and I are so !!!!!! anxious about our son going into the senior school because we’ve been through a lot and I fear him ending up like me. FIL worked with kids who got so out of control that they couldn’t be at home or school and he thinks we’ve no reason to think that he won’t be fine. I just want the best for him, give what I can but that can not compensate for him having a good dad. 

I have also started to plan out our big summer trip with my parents for next year. Really looking forward to it but it’s going to be expensive and tbh I’m not really sure how I’m going to pay for it in full unless we lower our standard of accommodation for some of it. My wife thinks that I can just forget about the SSAS monies for a bit, take out a 0% card or she is going to save the money from her work. Idk it’d be great if she could rather than make no contributions to the SSAS or wind up with a credit card balance but it’s not really right for her to do that especially as my parents have no money so I am paying for them as well. 

katsu

Dear Alt. Your wife is perfectly reasonable to save towards the family holiday. It's a big event and as your partner she's taking her share of responsibility. You are a couple, a family with your extended family not just the 3 of you. There's no reason she shouldn't help make this holiday a reality. 

Many congratulations to Mrs Alt.

(Also for sure it's fine to adjust the accommodation choices. That's very reasonable too).

It's wonderful to see you living this good life. 

alt80

I don’t know how we are halfway through May already. Time passes quickly. Son has been away on a school trip and had a great time. Apart from the hay fever, my wife and I have never seen it affect anyone like it does him. 

We need to decide what we are doing once the EQE is returned at the end of its lease. It has been good to us but even with the tax incentives the business has spent a lot to effectively just rent a car. We would like to buy something that we can keep long term although if it’s not through the business which limits what we can have from a tax perspective, we are looking at having to finance the purchase. We’d both love a Conti GTC, great car to drive and a great car to be driven in but it would financially kill us. Idk how I ever managed to find the money for all the car finance I used to have. She gets why I don’t want another Range Rover which I’m pleased about. We’re tempted by a C class AMG coupe with 3k miles that is a couple of years old but over £25k off the new price but we have no money saved for it and I feel awful about going back into debt. The other option is buying a LR 90 Hardtop through my business, buying the EQE from the lease company or leasing another electric car through the business. 

I did however own up to my wife that I felt awful about not being in a position to buy the GTC for her. She was really kind about it and the other things on her list that she says she now isn’t bothered about but still crops up in my thoughts. I hate that she has done so much for me and I can’t do better for her but I have to learn to move on. I accept that I need the time with my family now more than I need to be making more money. My wife said that I am not just some kind of cash machine and looking after myself is more important because she wants me to be healthy more than have more toys. 

This time of year is difficult- coming up to three years since I chose to 100% commit to recovery. I have been trying to mend myself since, never thought the therapy to work through all that was wrong with me and led to addiction, not that I realised it then, would give me a complete break down. I wouldn’t have faced it if I’d have known and I’m almost certain that I wouldn’t have my little family now and that I would still have ridiculous amounts of personal debt. I don’t know how far things would have spiralled tbf just as I didn’t know then what facing things would do and that I still struggle with my mental health now but I have my family, my business is still intact and doing well, we’ve a nice life that my wife and I work on together. It’s not just money tbh money means nothing without the right people around.

@katsu thank you. My wife said something similar to me and I struggled to process it. We are working through the logistics including paying for it and accommodation. My parents don’t care where they stay, they said it’s the experiences that matter not where we sleep idk I do think it’s important especially as it’s for my dad’s 80th. I know this sounds odd but I think it’s the last big birthday that he will be able to do this. He’s fit for his age but we see him slowing. Mum is too but not to the same extent- she’s a bit younger but also always has been more active.

PollyWollyDoodle

You have come such a long way in three years.  I hope you can reflect on that and see how much you have achieved; it’s great to hear your wife is saying things like that, too - you seem much more in sync with each other lately.  

I get that you don’t want to go back into debt, but you need a car, and it will be a (depreciating) asset, so it’s not throwing money away.  Time was, you would’ve gone for the most expensive option and not given it any thought.  I have no idea what option is going to be best for you (I have always bought decent used cars and drive them until they fall apart) but I I think you should buy something you will enjoy now that you are driving more again.  

alt80

Not been in the best frame of mind for the past week or so, just getting through each day one at a time and spending time with my family. Had some difficult conversations with the pros idk I get why people just don’t change their habits and challenge the belief structures that they have built from childhood. I asked for them to be challenged because I didn’t like what I had become and felt that following my getting help with addiction that the beliefs I had were fundamentally wrong and that consequently I was hurting those around me. I know forgiveness of myself is needed to move any further forward but I can’t because I can’t forget what I allowed myself to be. 

I don’t want to be a burden to my family but I need them. It was my mum and dad who helped me see I was still hurting my family last year when all I wanted was to know they would be financially secure without me because I didn’t want to be here. I worry about it now still and when my wife wants us to enjoy life but I haven’t managed to make the provisions I would like in the SSAS I’m torn between wanting her to enjoy the fun days and the memories but !!!!!! tearing myself apart for knowing that I cannot provide enough. I should have see this so many years ago and not been continually going after more money to squander in more destructive ways.

I am grateful for what I do have and I know it is more than most. I stand by what I put on here the other day I just have ups and downs especially related to self worth. 

On the positive front my wife and I are going to have a low spend June. Lots of bbqs if the weather allows, walks with our dog etc. 

@PollyWollyDoodle I am very fortunate that she has stuck with me also she is working through her own issues. I know what I’ve written above sounds negative but I have done the right thing. Idk this time of year is just one that I start reflecting. 

I would like to buy the GTC, my wife likes it and tbf it’s a lovely car but I am not in a position to get it for her and despite being told I shouldn’t be feeling guilty about it I do. The most balanced option is the AMG Mercedes and we both like those I just want her to have the best. 

daisy_1571

'The bes't is a very subjective term.  One could argue that a car you both like and can afford IS 'the best'.  It certainly sounds like i'd define it that way

Dxx

alt80

Not doing well with sleep so just taking each day as it comes. Still working out the logistics and cost of two trips next year - Scotland and Central Europe. Have to say that having these two expensive trips to plan is making me ensure that I am sticking with the budget elsewhere and not spending for the sake of it. My wife is on board with a frugal June, nothing like seeing the figures presented in front of you. Neither of us want to wind up with credit card balances for mindless spending. Been amazing weather for her to get out on the bike, can’t believe the miles she’s done on that thing. Apparently it’s ‘meditative’ lol. Idk another classic phrase there.

@daisy_1571 a lot of people in my life say I need to redefine what that term means to my family and I. Recipe for misery as my in laws say idk maybe I need to think about it.

RelievedSheff

Good to hear that you are all doing well and that your wife is enjoying getting out and about on her bike.

You have both turned things around so much in the last few years you should all be proud.

Your son will turn out just fine Alt. He has two great role models at home and a loving extended family.

alt80

Over the past few days I’ve managed to do a little better with sleep- it makes a massive difference to me. 

Month end finances have been done and we’re ready for the frugal June. I have reflected on getting wound up over the car situation, not quite being able to stretch to buying the things that I would like my wife to have and the source of annoyance which is my son’s school fees going up not just as expected for the senior years but plus the VAT too. It is what it is I know but it adds up to an additional £3750. 

Had a brilliant few days of family time. We’ve been back to the motocross, plenty of dog walks and managed to get a few jobs done on the house as well as set up a study at home and one at my office for our son ready for senior homework. This coming month he’s got transition days. He’s most worried about the fact that it feels like he’s leaving for a new school with all the new pupils/ teachers, new house, different buildings etc. I suppose he is really. We’ve got him a nice tech and stationary set up he doesn’t yet know about waiting for when he’s home from the first transition day. My secretary, sister and in-laws reckon we’re making too much of a fuss but we know it’s massive for him and I don’t see the harm. He’s absolutely smashed his last year of junior’s.

@RelievedSheff she’s still loving it and got the bike master 1 booked. Guaranteed to rain those days ha. Have to laugh how much she !!!!!! curses the weather with these bike courses. It’s a lot better for her than watching Dubai housewives on TikTok and Instagram though. Seeing that for what it is really upsets her but she’s still doing therapy so I hope she will accept that she doesn’t need to be upset and can just concentrate on the here and now. 

We’re trying to improve our lives together, really work out what’s right for us as a family. Idk this probably sounds mad but I think I was given an opportunity to start over, reassess my values and relationships so that I could make my family happier and hopefully in time forgive myself. I know that I’ve spent the majority of my life hurting others and also myself but I cannot punish myself for the rest of my life - that’s not recovery and hurts my family because they want me here and present in their lives. I know it sounds pathetic but I’m knocking on the door of 45 and last year my mum and dad saved me but also made me realise I want to be able to support my son if it’s something he wants/ needs no matter his age. I hope you are right that he will be fine and that he will not need us but will want to remain in our lives when he is older.

in_need_of_direction

So many of us wish we were only 45 with the knowledge we now have to do things in a better way.  You are doing so well especially with your realisations. Keep taking care of you.