Moving on with things

RelievedSheff

Enjoy the good weather while it lasts.

We have a few days off next week so it is bound to rain 

foxgloves

I reckon I spend more at JL than you these days, @alt80!! Mind you, the traffic & roadworks around the city have been so off-putting lately, that we don't go in for shopping as much as we used to. 
Great to hear you are doing so well. Guilt can show us we have learned a hard lesson (& we all carry it for one thing or another), but there comes a time when we have to let it go & move on & it's so good to hear that you are now actually prepared to entertain this idea. Keep up the good work. 
F

alt80

We really made the most of yesterday and today as the weather is going to turn. Wife and son rode all the way to the coast today, I went in the Mk2. It was absolutely glorious and has prepared us for the trip this coming week. Tbh I’m a lot more at ease having driven a long trip today. I really didn’t think I would be able to enjoy driving again, put the work in to deal with the what I was struggling with and it’s really starting to pay off. Everyday isn’t amazing but I seem to be able to believe it will pass rn which I didn’t before. Not sure the same applies to my son learning to tidy his own room though ha. Tried to relax about it a bit and the rest of the house because I was having some !!!!!! awful thoughts which led to spending hours cleaning. My son’s lack of respect for his home really trips me off. He’s aware our home doesn’t come for free but idk I suppose no one understands much at that age. 

@PollyWollyDoodle / @Baileys_Babe thank you both.

@warby68 thank you. Rn she’s still in therapy too and has been working on that together with the pros, defining her goals etc. as you know she never really considered making any money for herself was even an option. They’ve been working through her beliefs etc. She did therapy before and did !!!!!! brilliantly from it but didn’t realise that she needed more and to work on herself too as well as our marriage. 

To answer your question she’s not quite at the stage of being proud of herself because she’s still trying to just find her way with my support. I’m proud of her on her behalf rn but she’ll get there soon I’m sure of that. 

@RelievedSheff ha it’s my Mrs who’s cursed it, first bike trip was always going to be !!!!!! dismal weather so you can blame her. I already have lol. 

@foxgloves My wife still loves her makeup and tbh I’ve had to buy a few things recently. Last year I wasn’t well basically didn’t want my wife having the burden of dealing with my personal belongings when I’m gone so I got rid of an awful lot of things. Anyway I wouldn’t bet on it rn. 

I walk by the roadworks almost every day if we make it past Browns ha. Hopefully it’ll be “worth it” fml… idk although tbf they do seem to be doing a good quality job so far. 

Thank you. Guilt and tbh shame have really done a number on me idk I’m not 100% and I don’t think I’ll ever be the man my wife married rather than the one she renewed our vows with for good reason tbf. I hate that it took what it did for me to appreciate what I have but the only way forward is for me to start taking care of myself to better take care of my family. 

Willowtree222

I can empathise on the room sitiation. It's like they hit a certain age and forget where the wash basket is and what putting away means. 

Lots of positives in your post. I think having good and bad days is always going to be a thing, but how how you deal with them is what will make the difference. I think you know all of this. It's easier for people looking in to make comments and suggestions, but when you're in it, it's tough. 

The ride out sounds amazing. She has her own freedom now, which must be nice for her. 
Have a lovely Sunday x

ladyholly

If you find a cure for your sons untidiness please let everyone know as I am sure many are in the same place. My dd's bedroom always looked like a bomb had hit it.

I am so pleased you are getting to enjoy driving and are able to get out with the family.

You and your wife are doing really well and yes you have bad days (everyone does) but hopefully the good are more than the bad. You are sounding so much more positive it is good to read.

Baileys_Babe

You could earn a fortune if you found and bottled the magic formula for children keeping their rooms clean and tidy.

I try and remember that my children each have their own room and that it is their space where they can express themselves, but we have set rules we expect them to follow:
   Daily:

• put clothes away if clean or in the wash if dirty
• air and make the bed 
• all rubbish in the bin
• all dishes returned to the kitchen 

  Regularly 

• Change the bedclothes 
• clean the mirror and the inside of the window 
• Sweep the floor (wooden floors)
• Dust
• Empty the bin weekly or when it is full, whichever is first

They also need to keep their mess in their rooms.

If they stick to this I ignore the state of their rooms. We started this about a decade ago when my eldest was about your son's age. This works well for my eldest and most of the time for my youngest it occasionally spirals if they are unwell for longer than a few days and then they need support getting back on top of it, the support is generally breaking the task down for them into small focused chunks.

They are also expected to help with general household chores including laundry, dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms, sweeping, dusting, preparing meals, cutting the grass, weeding etc

alt80

Had a great Sunday and Monday. Today not so much ha. My Mrs has turned 37, seems to have eased into another year round the sun by showing our son and three of his mates how to do a back flip. Not grown up yet, no surprise ha. Wouldn’t have her any other way lol. 

She knew I wasn’t going to be able to get her anything amazing for her birthday because we are doing quite a bit holiday wise this year and next. It’s my dads 80th next year so I’ve agreed to indulge them with the Central Europe trip - idk you get one life and with all the will in the world my mum and dad probably won’t be up to it in 10 years time. My sister and I are lucky to have our parents in such good health now tbf thanks to the !!!!!! blue zone apparently haha. We’re also going to Scotland to drive the NC500. Tbh with the holidays to pay for and school fees, we don’t really have much left for other treats. 

@Willowtree222 100% I am really working on how I deal with the bad days. I used to think so long as I got through the day at the office that was all that mattered but that was hurting both myself and my family. Can’t believe that I am saying this but I can understand that no one says that they wished they spent more time working when they are old. I genuinely used to think I’ll be the first to. I still enjoy business but idk it’s a bit of a means to an end really. It’s a way of keeping my brain active, contributing to the economy and providing meaningful employment albeit on a small scale but it’d be something else, different industry or whatever if it wasn’t profitable whereas my family are irreplaceable to me. 

She loves the bike although her and our son do look like two kids that have nicked a bike when they're on it together lol. I’m waiting for them getting pulled up.

@ladyholly thank you. I’ve worked really hard to stay on the program with the pros. I don’t want addiction and the mental health issues it has exacerbated and in part caused to rule my life and by extension my family’s. 

Ha don’t think I’ll find a fits all solution to that one and if I do I’m pretty sure I won’t be too worried about getting my mortgage paid off. My sister and I had to look after our rooms but I couldn’t deal with my son the way my parents dealt with me - he doesn’t care about earning money. 

@Baileys_Babe that’s where I need my son to get tbf he tests us and my wife is right that to get to this point we can’t just give up and do it for him. I can’t stand seeing him disrespect the home I pay a lot of money to keep us in and I can’t deal with it being filthy. It !!!!!! triggers me in multiple ways, it’s not just anxiety I can feel the anger building just thinking about it. Had a lot of success controlling my temper which used to be !!!!!! explosive before I really started working on recovery so I’m not going to let this put my work on that put me back. My anger had a negative impact on my family that I never knew until I had to face it so if I have to look after his room myself until he buys his own place it is what it is.

Willowtree222

That's a huge change in mindset. Most people i know like to keep going when they leave work but something they enjoy rather than caught up in the 9-5.

That's funny about being pulled up. My mum's neighbour came out thinking I was a delivery driver and asked me what I was doing on my parent's drive. She was shocked when I took my helmet off!

Holidays and making the memories are good. I'm sure your parents will appreciate the time with you and your family too. 

alt80

@Willowtree222 There's a couple of parts of my trading business that I think I'll package up and sell on within the next few years. I was approached a while back by one of my staff who deals with one of the areas that I'm not particularly passionate about and whilst profitable, isn't exactly lucrative. Idk alongside the ongoing therapy stuff and helping my wife out with an industry very different to my day to day it just got me thinking there's a bit more to life. 

I doubt I'll ever 'leave work' in the sense of true retirement but I've always told my staff whilst work is important and they should strive to achieve, it's not life or death. I need to heed my own advice to my staff a bit more, stop seeing myself as unworthy of family time and simultaneously depriving my wife and son of my presence when they have chosen to keep me in their lives. People on here have long told me I don't need to buy my family but I haven't been able to believe that. Too !!!!!! deep for a Tuesday ha. 

All the deliveroos round here ride scooters with massive boxes and a !!!!!! death wish so I don't think she'll be mistaken for one of those.

My parents know that they're getting no younger. They like spending time with us, yet another of my regrets is not visiting more.

alt80

We managed to have a fantastic holiday. Car made it there and back, had no doubts about the bike although it has high mpg it’s tiny tank meant we spent too much time in petrol stations haha. Neither of us even considered it until it almost ran out on Easter Sunday. The weather wasn’t as bad as we expected but it was so so. Didn’t spoil it though. I was a !!!!!! wreck when we set off, could have easily turned back but I didn’t and when we got there I honestly felt better than I have in years. I never thought I’d be able to enjoy driving again but I did and it was a pleasure to support my wife and son. It was a long way on the bike and some of the roads in Wales were quite challenging. Don’t mean this in a patronising way but she did amazing and our friends were mindful that she hasn’t been riding 6 months or I could be flattering myself and forgetting the 60 year old car for something that was quick in its day it isn’t so much now ha really realise how far cars have developed. Tbf it doesn’t hang around but it’s def no match for bikes or anything even mildly warm these days. We did manage a night off, our friends had our son for the night and my wife and I stayed at a very nice hotel/ restaurant tbh it was nice but neither of us drink much anymore so spent the day after really !!!!!! paying for it. Doesn’t really seem worth it anymore ha. 

Spent a bit too much but I have managed to keep what became a massive anxiety in check. I’m keeping up with the pros and it’s really helping although it’s not perfect. I’m struggling with month end because we’ve had two heavy months and am aware we need to have some quieter, less spendy ones. There are ways forward after a complete mental health breakdown I’m finding that doing what they say is helping me to keep in a relatively stable place. 

Last week was just about getting back into a routine and tbf resisting the temptation to stay at work later than I had planned and agreed. I managed to stick with the plan. We can’t quite believe that it’s our son’s last term in the junior school. Most of his friends are staying for the senior school but two are leaving to go to a state school and one has put off the boarding school for a couple of years. They’ll be an influx of new kids in September so hopefully he’ll make some new friends too.