Moving on with things

Sun_Addict

Well done on clearing the card, an amazing achievement. 

How would your wife feel about teaching young people to do nails? My workplace have a scheme where volunteers coach young people from deprived inner city areas and teach them employable skills. These are youngsters that would normally end up being unemployed (or worse) after leaving school. A lot of them are very keen to make something of their lives despite their upbringing. 

I hope you all have a fabulous time in Lapland and make some treasured memories. 

strawb_shortcake

I hope you all have a wonderful time in Lapland, I'm sure it'll be magical memories that last a lifetime. 

Regarding your Son growing up, I am finding it really hard, my eldest is just home from uni and he's spending the majority of it at his girlfriends house rather than ours. I'm fully expecting that next Christmas Eve he'll likely spend with her and come home boxing day. 
I've been a working Mum and it's shocked me how hard I've found it, to the point I've just self referred for CBT. 
I'm not sure how I could have prepared myself but parenting isn't getting any easier for me. 

I realised you raise your child preparing them for the big wide world, but you don't prepare yourself. If your wife can take a step back it's going to be a whole lot easier than your Son pushing her away.

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt any chance of your wife looking at this in the new year?

Want to Volunteer | nottinghamcvs.co.uk

katsu

That sounds amazing @Sun_Addict. I hope that might suit Mrs Alt


@alt80 there are indeed options like helping out at the national trust houses, being a guide dog volunteer (maybe not training one in your lovely house ), so a shift a week in a local charity shop maybe they want help to make the clothes look great?  Not everything is emotional or depressing I promise. She could volunteer for a big charity, maybe look at the websites for MIND or Diabetes UK as I think both do regional stuff... maybe someone more local to you knows more about what happens where you live? 

Try looking in your town for the Council for Voluntary Services or CVS. It might have a different name where you live? They are like a job centre for lots of volunteering locally and she could probably see what is about.  

Your wife needs something in her life as your son grows up so I hope she can find more joyful things to do that help her enjoy your new happy home more and more. 

katsu

@grumplestiltskins thanks for finding the right CVS. I wrote my post ages before posting and didn't see yours so great minds think alike! 

alt80

Thanks all, pleased to say my wife and son haven't caught this winter cold yet but I'm not too good. Came home from the office and just fell to sleep yesterday ha, not too much better today. Just hope it goes over next day or so. Still looking forward to Lapland tbf. 
We are looking to plan next year's holidays over the Christmas break as well as the coming year's budget.

@daisy_1571 I suspect you're right re your parents. We are all coloured by our upbringings. Mine didn't have time for excuses regarding cleanliness. We had the fear of god put in us about keeping our hands idle. My mum would be up at 5/5.30am cleaning then making breakfast before going back to cleaning, check out and getting everything set up for lunch. My dad would start baking at about 6.30am. They finished at 10-11pm every night except for the two weeks we went somewhere obscure where the goal was to be where no one spoke English and you couldn't get a copy of The Sporting Life. We were left alone as kids a lot of the time but they wouldn't stand for mess and brought us up with a work ethic, to value our education and get a profession. Rn my son doesn't have a work ethic and despite the amount I spend on school, he has little regard for his education. I love him to bits and only want the best for him, certainly don't want him to have my upbringing, but there is a part of me that thinks sending him to my parents for a few weeks would do him good. However, they have gone soft in their old age so would probably just spoil him, teach him a bit of cooking, take him to the beach and that be it.

We certainly were not allowed to decorate our rooms except for posters pre approved - no smut and nothing political haha. He's not at that stage yet but I'll be keeping to those rules. My wife is of the same thinking as you about his bed and levels of tidiness - that it doesn't matter too much.

@PollyWollyDoodle I am hoping she will take up my suggestion to speak to the pros in the New Year and will work things out herself. Although, I am considering suggesting a few things tbf. She is absolutely full of life and has next to no regard for lifestyle when she's at the bike school, enjoys the company and is upset about it ending when she passes her final test which she has booked. No doubt she'll be going back for the enhanced training. In a lot of ways she has a lot more going on than I do but it's either things that end quite quickly short courses, bike test etc or things that are just part of her life, gym, looking after our son, helping me out etc. No profession, lack of purpose really. Idk I just want her happy but I can't get into that !!!!!! spiral of shame and guilt over not being able to give her the lifestyle she would like.

Whilst I don't have any other goals personally than to reduce my mortgage. I have a few shorter and longer term projects which should lead to greater efficiency in the business. I also have the SSAS which is a very long slog. I do hear you re a holiday etc. and tbf I haven't approached my wife to ask if she would contribute to something for a predetermined goal over the coming year / two. 

Thank you for the reminder re forgiveness (and Christmas); it is something I am working on with the pros. If I don't hear from you before have a good Christmas yourself.

@warby68 I wanted to do better than just the repayment equivalent but that would be more palatable for my wife. Haven't worked out exact figures but it'd be c.25% of the surplus if I don't backdate to last year. I'll have to get the calculator out over Christmas.

Yes, I review pay for everyone else on an annual basis. I used to have the attitude of wanting to screw every penny I could out of my business into my pocket but it doesn't seem right now and the more that can be put into the SSAS, it will benefit my family in the future and is a lot more tax efficient than being taken in direct income. 

@ladyholly My sister thinks the same as you do, idk I'd like to think not. 

The last thing I want is for my son to become distant from either of us. I really find mess difficult to deal with but do wonder if my wife / others on here have a point about forcing myself to chill out a bit over it idk my parents wouldn't have accepted it but times are a lot different nowadays.  

We hope so, it's a long !!!!!! way to go if we don't get any haha. It is meant to snow when we are there but doesn't look like there's going to be a lot. My wife was in the office earlier and said with a straight face to my secretary that she keeps thinking that she hopes that only people who visit Lapland find out that he is, in fact, real. I'd like to say we were laughing with her and not at her but fml she does say some !!!!!! ridiculous things sometimes lol. 

@RelievedSheff thank you. I know it will, she doesn't help herself thinking she can mitigate him putting his friends first by trying to get into everything he is into then getting inevitably left out. I've told her she needs to let him have some of his own things. Tbf in a way I'm actually quite pleased he's pushing back.

@Sun_Addict thank you, it doesn't seem real yet tbf. I have had balances on credit cards for practically my entire adult life. Completely changed how I deal with my personal finances and I didn't think it was possible; tbh a lot of the stuff my FIL used to say about living on the never never etc hit so !!!!!! hard because it was far too close to home. 

Can you DM info / point me in the right direction of the scheme; I think she might be interested in that. Also I have started taking degree apprentices if any are interested, show the right aptitude and aren't too desperate to escape to another part of the country/ world.

@strawb_shortcake thank you and I think you're 100% right, she is going to find it really difficult. Tbh I will too, I've said on here before I really dread the day he stops letting me read to him. I suppose I won't know what day will be the last but will find out in time. Hope the CBT works out for you, it has been helpful for me in part - different issues but I have leant on the techniques to varying levels of success. 

@Grumpelstiltskin I'll get her to have a look in the new year 100%, thank you and I hope you are well. 

@katsu you made me smile re training a guide dog fml it'd be a !!!!!! danger to the poor soul it was allocated to and the public - our dog is a complete numpty and two Goldens in the house, no thank you, one is quite enough. He's calmed down a little bit tbf but still crazy and I'll admit at least part of it is down to our lack of discipline. I'm going to get Christmas out of the way first but I need to talk to her in the new year as I think she'd be happier for having a bit more purpose.

warby68

@alt80 thanks for taking the time to reply so carefully to everyone

If I'm honest, I don't think maximising tax efficiency on a few grand should be your priority. Yes as an overall aim but no when it comes to reasonable amounts that help you to achieve compromise with your wife and a more 'normal' way of living. You're still having to work so hard at that but its paying off slowly but surely. That's worth more than a couple of grand in my book.

Sun_Addict

@alt80 I’ve sent you a DM re the organisations. 

alt80

We are back! I’m just about completely over my winter cold and my wife and son didn’t get it. Had a brilliant time although it was cold and we all agreed there were elements that were a bit young for our son but for most of the activities age really didn’t matter. Glad I stuck with the pros, managed to deal with anxiety which threatened to spoil things early on. I am in a much better place now than I was a few months ago when I was really struggling with my mental health. I always turn away from my little family and to work of some kind because it feels safe to me but I have to accept that my wife and the pros are probably right that I make myself ill with doing that. 

My wife said that it was really nice to see me getting involved and my son said something similar. Usually I let them have fun and try to stay out of the way. My wife says that it is why I am always anxious he is going to want me to stop reading to him soon.

We are not at all prepared for tomorrow so wish us luck battling Sainsbury’s.

@warby68 I’m having a lot of trouble with the idea of surplus money sitting in our personal accounts. The thought of it makes me feel sick, I’m afraid that I can’t be trusted with money if it is out of my business and it seems to me both safer to have not taken it in the first place and better for my family’s future which I am behind with and idk what time I have left. 

I won’t take a wrong step if it never comes close to my personal accounts. On the flip side I would love to be able to give more to my wife and son and also pay off our home. Idk I do need to sort my head out with this and am paying out the usual this month which will mean a surplus. I have asked my wife if it can all just go to the mortgage but she said it’s been a waste if all we have from paying off the cards is paying off another debt. I love her to bits but I don’t think she understands that her future is more important than anything else. I do need to face 2025 personal finances over Christmas but I can’t let it negatively impact my mental health for the coming few days.

@Sun_Addict received with thanks. I do plan to talk to her over the coming few weeks.

RelievedSheff

Glad you all had a great time. You all deserve it.

Merry Christmas to you and your family Alt.